The right words...

[soontobedone]

Every day I am here searching for the courage to ctb. I have SN and Meto but have fear of pain and failure.
I'm in my late 50s. Tired of the bi polar roller coaster that meds and therapy can only do so much for.
I can't stand the way I look and feel. I've had acne my entire adult life. Mixed with wrinkles it's quite disturbing. (Not looking for acne advice I've seen plenty of docs etc).
I have no kids and am estranged from my siblings.
I have no purpose. No desire to be here.
How do I find the courage to ctb?

 

[MrDarkness]

That's up to you honestly, there isn't courage to ctb, more of either being so depressed you do it, or you just accept it, just me tho

 

[day]

Benzos can help alleviate some anxiety though they're hard to find also they probably won't help much with SI. I know you can't really practice physically with SN but maybe try running it through your head often and make up plans for every step whether it goes right or wrong how you'd respond to that outcome. I've found with careful and very meticulous planning that my "courage" has gotten much better. I can practice physically with a rope despite it not being my primary method. Almost passing out several times now my SI has dropped significantly since first trying to practice.

Sorry the world has mistreated and brought you here OP.. I hope you find plenty of peace and happiness moving forward.

 

[Darkover]

it's a hard one with SN because it's not the best of method with vomiting headaches fast heart rate gasping for air
and chance or failure, the way to over come survival instinct is to put yourself into a state of being uncomfortable
like if you where to become homeless and had to sleep on the streets

 

[mazzy]

It's okay to fear it, it's natural

 

[LittleJem]

I don't know if it helps, but cocaine is good for confidence. Some of the people I read about who hanged themselves were on a combo of cocaine and alcohol.

cocaine makes me happier so I don't know if it would help me CTB or not.

 

[FuneralCry]

I imagine that many people manage to go through with ctb when they just get so desperate and determined to finally leave, I envy those who succeeded but I get that suicide can still be very difficult even if one has access to a reliable method.
After all only the individual knows when the time is right for them to leave but I understand that it's so tiring feeling trapped here.