Sad_Autistic_boy_101
When I die, you'll love me.
- Nov 19, 2019
- 453
Hey Folks,
It's me again!
I finally purchased the item that i'm planning to CTB with but it won't arrive for another week or two.
I just need a rant and I do apologize that I talk about this a lot. When you're Autistic, your brain repeats itself over and over again and I probably sound like some sort of annoying robot, but when I'm gone - who will annoy you guys!?
This whole National Lockdown (UK) is really messing things up for everybody. This is also messing up my support. I still am on the waiting list for a placement I was meant to start in July. The support place that i'm transitioning from are just a pile of shit and all my staff left. So I have no one to talk to from that side and no one around that I built a relationship with.
I'm also going to be stuck in a house with people I do not get on with and everything just feels so god damn hopeless. Everyone talks about if you're in a toxic place then get yourself out of there and cut those people out of your life, but in reality it isn't that easy. I've tried for 3 years and still haven't been able to. The only person that could help me is dead and everyone (apart from my therapist and another person) tells me to get over him as he's been dead for a year and half. This guy was my role model and surrogate father figure - I felt loved for the first time in my life. I don't want to be here without him anymore.
It feels like in order for people to see my pain and to believe that i'm feeling suicidal, it so complete suicide. I've had 5 failed attempts and I feel like people just either sees me as an attention seeker or they see it as like a parasuicide. Which neither is the case, i'm just shit at everything so of course it wouldn't work.
I've given life so many goes but all I experience is discrimination, ableism, lack of understanding, isolation, grief, pain, flashbacks, nightmares, hopelessness ETC.
Just having this item in possession gives me that little extra control. This way when the time is right I can just attempt. In my opinion, even if someone had 100 attempts and they finally succeed on their 101 attempt, they are still valid - It just took them an extra bit longer to get it right.
I also had a shit session with my therapist so that isn't helping. Her WIFI kept dropping and so we barely got to discuss anything and then today is a PTSD trigger because it's a certain persons birthday and I didn't get to discuss this with her.
Anyway have a good Halloween everyone! I've been watching horror films. Halloween is my favorite holiday out of all of them (though it's a PTSD trigger) now it's time to go to bed and see what tomorrow brings!
It's me again!
I finally purchased the item that i'm planning to CTB with but it won't arrive for another week or two.
I just need a rant and I do apologize that I talk about this a lot. When you're Autistic, your brain repeats itself over and over again and I probably sound like some sort of annoying robot, but when I'm gone - who will annoy you guys!?
This whole National Lockdown (UK) is really messing things up for everybody. This is also messing up my support. I still am on the waiting list for a placement I was meant to start in July. The support place that i'm transitioning from are just a pile of shit and all my staff left. So I have no one to talk to from that side and no one around that I built a relationship with.
I'm also going to be stuck in a house with people I do not get on with and everything just feels so god damn hopeless. Everyone talks about if you're in a toxic place then get yourself out of there and cut those people out of your life, but in reality it isn't that easy. I've tried for 3 years and still haven't been able to. The only person that could help me is dead and everyone (apart from my therapist and another person) tells me to get over him as he's been dead for a year and half. This guy was my role model and surrogate father figure - I felt loved for the first time in my life. I don't want to be here without him anymore.
It feels like in order for people to see my pain and to believe that i'm feeling suicidal, it so complete suicide. I've had 5 failed attempts and I feel like people just either sees me as an attention seeker or they see it as like a parasuicide. Which neither is the case, i'm just shit at everything so of course it wouldn't work.
I've given life so many goes but all I experience is discrimination, ableism, lack of understanding, isolation, grief, pain, flashbacks, nightmares, hopelessness ETC.
Just having this item in possession gives me that little extra control. This way when the time is right I can just attempt. In my opinion, even if someone had 100 attempts and they finally succeed on their 101 attempt, they are still valid - It just took them an extra bit longer to get it right.
I also had a shit session with my therapist so that isn't helping. Her WIFI kept dropping and so we barely got to discuss anything and then today is a PTSD trigger because it's a certain persons birthday and I didn't get to discuss this with her.
Anyway have a good Halloween everyone! I've been watching horror films. Halloween is my favorite holiday out of all of them (though it's a PTSD trigger) now it's time to go to bed and see what tomorrow brings!
