Story The ride

[Lifeiswildsuperwild]

This is long-

I wanted to update last night but i got home late after seeing some friends. Trying to see them as much as I can before it comes, I've been telling them I love them and miss them and it hasn't thrown anyone off since I don't get to see them too much ever since moving up to the city. Also everyone is growing up- everyone is busy trying to get their life in order, prepare themselves for the future. I get it. But it gets lonely up here...

It's been that way ever since I moved up here- I thought I would make new friends and hangout with them. Never really did. City life... Instead I worked all the time, tried to keep myself busy, did some martial arts like Muay Thai and Boxing- which was pretty cool but i stopped going around December because I could just feel myself not being able to fill that void. I always tried to buy myself nice things when I could. I was very materialistic. Realize now, that, that doesn't fill it either. What a waste. I could have been helping other people in need. Don't get me wrong. I love giving my singles to homeless or buying things from vendors I didn't need- that made me happy when i did. Supporting the community ya know? Giving back, and in turn maybe one day when I really needed help if i was really struggling, something would come out of the blue and support me. But I never really expected anything, just what if ya know?

And now over having these thoughts over the past few months, I have finally stumbled upon a great thing. That is this community. I am new to it but If i had know this was here sooner I would have loved to connected with some of you and just talk. If I would have never found this place I think I would have gone mad- continuing to wake up, work, gym, sleep. Doing things I'm not happy doing. Living with regrets- not seeing my family enough, making them proud the way I wanted them to.

And now that I've found this community I would like to share my Journey as I can feel time is ticking and would love to still do my part till its over.

I talk about it in my other post- I've decided to go for the SN method. So here is what I did in the past two days.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday night-

Smoked some weed to "focus". Used to be a huge stoner for a bit back in the day. I made a new Email that is going to send timed Emails once I set it all up. I made it funny so hopefully people don't think i was such a huge downer in the end. Especially my mother. i Dunno if she will get the joke though. Anyway. I looked up ways to clean up my computer in-case my mother decides to pawn it/sell it/donate. I'm not old but old enough to have a bunch of financial documents and IDS stored- and once watched a video about how people that just go out and buy used computers to steal logins and credit card information/ which might still remain open for a few months after you pass. My mother doesn't have a lot of money as it is- she never did. I wouldn't want her to be in more debt because of me. That was always a big thing when I moved with her. Money, never really had enough. She is always sending money back home to her family there because they are super poor as well.

I was so high and flustered and sad, with all this on my mind, I used the email that was going to send my timed emails and ekpt putting in the card info wrong...it detected it as fraud. So I had to deal with that the next morning-

RedKeyusb. is the website.
You can go online and find out how to use it. its super easy.

Friday-

Went to work- didn't work... couldn't focus. all of this stuff is taking over my thoughts ya know? but- continuing

Mid day,Got a call from "russia" probably from those scammers from those websites where I tried to buy generic reglan. Also got an invoice from them in paypal from some lady which freaked me out cause I used my paypal Card. Not my paypal account. So i figured they have an idea of what Email I was using due to me signing up on their site. That made me paranoid that they were gonna try to get into any account they could Banks and Social Media even my netflix which has my card on it. Basically would just be a bump in the road. So I figured I'll just scrap my main email all together to avoid money problems. I can't run out of money/have my accounts frozen. It would prolong this journey. And with fixing my fraud thing from the RedKey- I was able to get into some old Email accounts i don't use too often. Which will be cool to read some of my old school stuff- some emails from my friends back in the day.

Went down to workout with some friends and hangout for a little bit- I wanna make sure I see everyone I can one last time. We smoked a little bit and I started focusing again. Switching around Emails for financial and social media accounts so these people don't drain me. Then it hit me that my name is in these email accounts and they could still try to figure it out. So ill just switch everything over to my forwarding account over the next few days, which just has the funny name. Doubt they can get that one.

Also made a new Icloud so my mother can't contact my friends when I'm gone. She doesn't really know any of my friends but I'm worried she will try to talk to them when im gone- try to ask questions- get photos of me- stuff like that. I want her to move on as easily as possible, even though I know as her son that might be impossible. In my last post I talk about how I want to just be erased - I only want a few people whom i to really have a last message from me. I blocked a lot of people on my snapchat that wouldn't suspect anything. Still gotta leave some people added though otherwise they will ask. I deleted my side of the instagram chats but I looked it up (same goes for snap) messages don't erase even if you delete your account and there are too many people on instagram to go down and block them all. So screwed there.

Paid for a burner Phone number app as well cause I don't have all of friends emails and If i ask they might be like wtf- so I thought I could send automated text. there used to be an app that did that back in the day but this one did not so scrapped that idea too. Ill figure it out.

Saturday (today)-

Since I didn't do any work whatsoever yesterday I felt bad- so I woke up and pounded out a lot of a side task they have me doing here. God i hate it. its so boring. draining. unfulfilling... but thats nothing new. And now im here- updating you all on my journey. It's been hectic, all these obstacles that are trying to prevent me from CTB. I'm not sure if its God or some test the universe has put onto me. How far are you willing to go to do this. I am determined. More determined than anything I've ever really done I think.



It's midday now- there is a get together at a friends tonight. Works perfectly. I gotta work on moving those accounts today and writing up some Emails after a nap.

Thank you. -lifeiswild.





I write all this so that if anyone has already decided on their destiny and is going the route im going- just to vanish. that it could help someone avoid the same bumps I had.



I might also donate my clothes- not really sure how to go about doing that but I don't want my mother to have any of that stuff either. It would just make her really sad. Looking at it all- imagining me. Ill let you guys know on what I decided to do.



Talk soon.

 

[Ghost2211]

Sounds like you are planning everything out quite thoroughly. We are here for you whatever you choose to do, I hope you find peace on your journey.

 

[TAW122]

Wow, that's a lot of things to do and I can relate to the paranoia and wanting to keep things under the wraps until you are ready. Yeah trying to delete everything will be difficult and I suppose the best you can do is get all that you can secure and lock down, delete, before you decide to go. Whatever you do up until your last day and even on your last day, I wish you peace and calm.

 

[Lifeiswildsuperwild]

Sounds like you are planning everything out quite thoroughly. We are here for you whatever you choose to do, I hope you find peace on your journey.

It just seems fair for my family and friends. But mainly my family.
I was really good at working hard and finding solutions which is why i wasn't ever in a position where I didn't have a job after high school. So im treating this the same. I hope to find peace too.

Wow, that's a lot of things to do and I can relate to the paranoia and wanting to keep things under the wraps until you are ready. Yeah trying to delete everything will be difficult and I suppose the best you can do is get all that you can secure and lock down, delete, before you decide to go. Whatever you do up until your last day and even on your last day, I wish you peace and calm.

It is a lot to do. But I was thinking if my friend passed away. I would probably think about them from time to time then look at their accounts and it would just make me even sadder. I don't want anyone to be sad more than they already will be.

Wow, that's a lot of things to do and I can relate to the paranoia and wanting to keep things under the wraps until you are ready. Yeah trying to delete everything will be difficult and I suppose the best you can do is get all that you can secure and lock down, delete, before you decide to go. Whatever you do up until your last day and even on your last day, I wish you peace and calm.

Also Thank you. I've made peace with the process. I have all this time and I would hate myself if I wasted any more of it. I get anxious about the end result when I think about it. But talking about it here calms me. Kinda like story time back in grade school. I'm having fun with it.

 

[Time]

I'm sad that life brought you to this but I'm glad things are coming together for you. I hope everything works out & you find peace, Lifeiswildsuperwild.

 

[Lifeiswildsuperwild]

I'm sad that life brought you to this but I'm glad things are coming together for you. I hope everything works out & you find peace, Lifeiswildsuperwild.

I am too. I'm at my friends for a little get together right now. I've been telling everyone I love them as they leave throughout the night. I'll be the last one to leave. Thank you. I appreciate you.

 

[Time]

I am too. I'm at my friends for a little get together right now. I've been telling everyone I love them as they leave throughout the night. I'll be the last one to leave. Thank you. I appreciate you.

Nice. I hope that you had a good time.

No problem.

 

[BadRNG]

This is long-

I wanted to update last night but i got home late after seeing some friends. Trying to see them as much as I can before it comes, I've been telling them I love them and miss them and it hasn't thrown anyone off since I don't get to see them too much ever since moving up to the city. Also everyone is growing up- everyone is busy trying to get their life in order, prepare themselves for the future. I get it. But it gets lonely up here...

It's been that way ever since I moved up here- I thought I would make new friends and hangout with them. Never really did. City life... Instead I worked all the time, tried to keep myself busy, did some martial arts like Muay Thai and Boxing- which was pretty cool but i stopped going around December because I could just feel myself not being able to fill that void. I always tried to buy myself nice things when I could. I was very materialistic. Realize now, that, that doesn't fill it either. What a waste. I could have been helping other people in need. Don't get me wrong. I love giving my singles to homeless or buying things from vendors I didn't need- that made me happy when i did. Supporting the community ya know? Giving back, and in turn maybe one day when I really needed help if i was really struggling, something would come out of the blue and support me. But I never really expected anything, just what if ya know?

And now over having these thoughts over the past few months, I have finally stumbled upon a great thing. That is this community. I am new to it but If i had know this was here sooner I would have loved to connected with some of you and just talk. If I would have never found this place I think I would have gone mad- continuing to wake up, work, gym, sleep. Doing things I'm not happy doing. Living with regrets- not seeing my family enough, making them proud the way I wanted them to.

And now that I've found this community I would like to share my Journey as I can feel time is ticking and would love to still do my part till its over.

I talk about it in my other post- I've decided to go for the SN method. So here is what I did in the past two days.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Thursday night-

Smoked some weed to "focus". Used to be a huge stoner for a bit back in the day. I made a new Email that is going to send timed Emails once I set it all up. I made it funny so hopefully people don't think i was such a huge downer in the end. Especially my mother. i Dunno if she will get the joke though. Anyway. I looked up ways to clean up my computer in-case my mother decides to pawn it/sell it/donate. I'm not old but old enough to have a bunch of financial documents and IDS stored- and once watched a video about how people that just go out and buy used computers to steal logins and credit card information/ which might still remain open for a few months after you pass. My mother doesn't have a lot of money as it is- she never did. I wouldn't want her to be in more debt because of me. That was always a big thing when I moved with her. Money, never really had enough. She is always sending money back home to her family there because they are super poor as well.

I was so high and flustered and sad, with all this on my mind, I used the email that was going to send my timed emails and ekpt putting in the card info wrong...it detected it as fraud. So I had to deal with that the next morning-

RedKeyusb. is the website.
You can go online and find out how to use it. its super easy.

Friday-

Went to work- didn't work... couldn't focus. all of this stuff is taking over my thoughts ya know? but- continuing

Mid day,Got a call from "russia" probably from those scammers from those websites where I tried to buy generic reglan. Also got an invoice from them in paypal from some lady which freaked me out cause I used my paypal Card. Not my paypal account. So i figured they have an idea of what Email I was using due to me signing up on their site. That made me paranoid that they were gonna try to get into any account they could Banks and Social Media even my netflix which has my card on it. Basically would just be a bump in the road. So I figured I'll just scrap my main email all together to avoid money problems. I can't run out of money/have my accounts frozen. It would prolong this journey. And with fixing my fraud thing from the RedKey- I was able to get into some old Email accounts i don't use too often. Which will be cool to read some of my old school stuff- some emails from my friends back in the day.

Went down to workout with some friends and hangout for a little bit- I wanna make sure I see everyone I can one last time. We smoked a little bit and I started focusing again. Switching around Emails for financial and social media accounts so these people don't drain me. Then it hit me that my name is in these email accounts and they could still try to figure it out. So ill just switch everything over to my forwarding account over the next few days, which just has the funny name. Doubt they can get that one.

Also made a new Icloud so my mother can't contact my friends when I'm gone. She doesn't really know any of my friends but I'm worried she will try to talk to them when im gone- try to ask questions- get photos of me- stuff like that. I want her to move on as easily as possible, even though I know as her son that might be impossible. In my last post I talk about how I want to just be erased - I only want a few people whom i to really have a last message from me. I blocked a lot of people on my snapchat that wouldn't suspect anything. Still gotta leave some people added though otherwise they will ask. I deleted my side of the instagram chats but I looked it up (same goes for snap) messages don't erase even if you delete your account and there are too many people on instagram to go down and block them all. So screwed there.

Paid for a burner Phone number app as well cause I don't have all of friends emails and If i ask they might be like wtf- so I thought I could send automated text. there used to be an app that did that back in the day but this one did not so scrapped that idea too. Ill figure it out.

Saturday (today)-

Since I didn't do any work whatsoever yesterday I felt bad- so I woke up and pounded out a lot of a side task they have me doing here. God i hate it. its so boring. draining. unfulfilling... but thats nothing new. And now im here- updating you all on my journey. It's been hectic, all these obstacles that are trying to prevent me from CTB. I'm not sure if its God or some test the universe has put onto me. How far are you willing to go to do this. I am determined. More determined than anything I've ever really done I think.



It's midday now- there is a get together at a friends tonight. Works perfectly. I gotta work on moving those accounts today and writing up some Emails after a nap.

Thank you. -lifeiswild.





I write all this so that if anyone has already decided on their destiny and is going the route im going- just to vanish. that it could help someone avoid the same bumps I had.



I might also donate my clothes- not really sure how to go about doing that but I don't want my mother to have any of that stuff either. It would just make her really sad. Looking at it all- imagining me. Ill let you guys know on what I decided to do.



Talk soon.

Very emotional
May I ask you what makes you want to ctb?

 

[Lifeiswildsuperwild]

Very emotional
May I ask you what makes you want to ctb?

Regret really. Loneliness as well. I've been working since high school. Moved out and just worked. That's all I did. Didn't finish college cause I decided to work full time (freelance video and editing) so it was 14 hour days all the time for a bit there. Then I went through a really depressive state drove all the way across the country in my car back to my home town. Had to go to the hospital cause I just was losing my shit. Came back eventually and I thought I was better ya know. But I don't think I ever really got better. Took a lot of ecstasy at one point in high school and I think it caught up to me. Forgetting everything. Losing my keys and wallet everyday and just being sad all the time. But again came back out here. Was lazy smoking weed 24/7 went back working at my part time job I had back in high school. Then working at this company that treats me well but I've just been unhappy still. It's like I'm forcing myself to like it. But as time goes by I realize I've just been doing the same shit ever since I finished HS. Working. Not seeing my mother. I really wish I got to live with her for a little longer. And now I have all these bills and obligations, there isn't anyway to do that. It's far too late. I can't finish school. She would have never seen her son get a degree. I buy all this nice camera gear in hopes my motivation to film and take more photos to make a business for myself but I just can't seem to find that passion anymore. So Here I am back to just working. Stuck in a cycle.
A few months back the thoughts of doing it came back hard around my birthday. Then early January I think, my friend from back home hit me up they were coming out here for a vacation and asked if I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon. And the timing seemed perfect. I never really take vacations. Just weekend trips. I don't like screwing over work cause there aren't too many of us at the office and I feel bad if I miss a bunch of days. But as the time to go out to the GC came closer I started thinking about how I was gonna execute this all. Making sure my mother and friends don't dwell on it too much. Erasing my social media so they can't look back on the past and making sure my mother can't really talk to my friends after I'm gone. That's the biggest thing for me. So I thinking about maybe jumping. I know that's extreme- then it was too scary for me and I couldn't do that to the people that I was with in the trip. Kinda scaring. i don't remember when I found this site (my days have been starting to blend together, can't sleep, not eating) but found the SN method. And here I am. Just preparing every. Overly preparing everything like I usually do. It's been tiring. But I have all this time so I figured this is my job now. And imma make sure I do my best make it easy for everyone.

Sorry for the long reply- I probably went on a tangent. It's just nice talking/letting out things you keep in your head.

I thought about waiting longer. Maybe spend more time with my mother over the next few months. But I realized that's only going to make things worse for her. To keep showing up a ton and then I'm just gone... fucked up. So just a few more. AndI won't lie. This has become an obsession in a way. It's like taking over my head. I remember closing my eyes last night and I swear I was hearing like a

 

[BadRNG]

Regret really. Loneliness as well. I've been working since high school. Moved out and just worked. That's all I did. Didn't finish college cause I decided to work full time (freelance video and editing) so it was 14 hour days all the time for a bit there. Then I went through a really depressive state drove all the way across the country in my car back to my home town. Had to go to the hospital cause I just was losing my shit. Came back eventually and I thought I was better ya know. But I don't think I ever really got better. Took a lot of ecstasy at one point in high school and I think it caught up to me. Forgetting everything. Losing my keys and wallet everyday and just being sad all the time. But again came back out here. Was lazy smoking weed 24/7 went back working at my part time job I had back in high school. Then working at this company that treats me well but I've just been unhappy still. It's like I'm forcing myself to like it. But as time goes by I realize I've just been doing the same shit ever since I finished HS. Working. Not seeing my mother. I really wish I got to live with her for a little longer. And now I have all these bills and obligations, there isn't anyway to do that. It's far too late. I can't finish school. She would have never seen her son get a degree. I buy all this nice camera gear in hopes my motivation to film and take more photos to make a business for myself but I just can't seem to find that passion anymore. So Here I am back to just working. Stuck in a cycle.
A few months back the thoughts of doing it came back hard around my birthday. Then early January I think, my friend from back home hit me up they were coming out here for a vacation and asked if I wanted to go to the Grand Canyon. And the timing seemed perfect. I never really take vacations. Just weekend trips. I don't like screwing over work cause there aren't too many of us at the office and I feel bad if I miss a bunch of days. But as the time to go out to the GC came closer I started thinking about how I was gonna execute this all. Making sure my mother and friends don't dwell on it too much. Erasing my social media so they can't look back on the past and making sure my mother can't really talk to my friends after I'm gone. That's the biggest thing for me. So I thinking about maybe jumping. I know that's extreme- then it was too scary for me and I couldn't do that to the people that I was with in the trip. Kinda scaring. i don't remember when I found this site (my days have been starting to blend together, can't sleep, not eating) but found the SN method. And here I am. Just preparing every. Overly preparing everything like I usually do. It's been tiring. But I have all this time so I figured this is my job now. And imma make sure I do my best make it easy for everyone.

Sorry for the long reply- I probably went on a tangent. It's just nice talking/letting out things you keep in your head.

I thought about waiting longer. Maybe spend more time with my mother over the next few months. But I realized that's only going to make things worse for her. To keep showing up a ton and then I'm just gone... fucked up. So just a few more. AndI won't lie. This has become an obsession in a way. It's like taking over my head. I remember closing my eyes last night and I swear I was hearing like a

I know what it's like to be lonely , I bet it feels worse since you are older than me , but I feel like things can get better for you , it seems that you just need 1 person to give you motivation, I advice you to visit a psychiatrist and talk to him about your troubles with no filter, just the blunt truth , he will probably prescribe some anti depressant. Personally it helped me a lot , it gave me ((fake happiness)) at the start, but then it turned into real happiness. I was in a good mood most of the time, I went into self improvement for a whole year and it was amazing. I then stopped taking it because reality hit me again. The pills just helped me temporarily look at the good side of life , I didn't forget the mess I am in , but it kind of didn't have that weight , but sadly it gets worse every month to the point that I can't ignore it anymore , aaaand here I am.
So I really recommend you visit a psychiatrist!

 

[Lifeiswildsuperwild]

I know what it's like to be lonely , I bet it feels worse since you are older than me , but I feel like things can get better for you , it seems that you just need 1 person to give you motivation, I advice you to visit a psychiatrist and talk to him about your troubles with no filter, just the blunt truth , he will probably prescribe some anti depressant. Personally it helped me a lot , it gave me ((fake happiness)) at the start, but then it turned into real happiness. I was in a good mood most of the time, I went into self improvement for a whole year and it was amazing. I then stopped taking it because reality hit me again. The pills just helped me temporarily look at the good side of life , I didn't forget the mess I am in , but it kind of didn't have that weight , but sadly it gets worse every month to the point that I can't ignore it anymore , aaaand here I am.
So I really recommend you visit a psychiatrist!

I was on anti depressants. Made me like a zombie. But I appreciate your though.