The person I once was doesn't exist anymore

[Lolkillme]

I'm starting to believe that trauma can change a person to their core. Trauma after trauma, betrayal, being belittled, etc.. these things have chipped away at my soul for a lifetime. I'm not sure there's anything left anymore, with the exception of my kind and caring nature. But that's it. No hopes, no dreams, no belief things can be any different. I've tried. Failed. I've done everything you're supposed to do, but in the end it seems like the only people that have any hope in being successful are the ones that step on others. I can't. I know what it's like to be stepped on myself. The things I've been through have changed me permanently. Into a hollow shell of who I could have been. I'm not sad. Just empty. My soul has been shattered so many times that every time I try to piece it back together it's always missing pieces. But now all that's left is dust. I want it to end. I need it to end. The only reason I'm still here is for others. But that's it.

 

[chocolatebar]

In my mind, I suffer from the conflict of three individuals: The person I once was, the person I wanted to be and the person I turned myself into.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really can be cruel. I feel like I have died inside but yet I am still conscious and breathing. Over the years I have became more and more tired. We can never forget what has happened to us and we are forced to live with memories. It can be hopeless.

 

[imaloserbaby]

I'm starting to believe that trauma can change a person to their core. Trauma after trauma, betrayal, being belittled, etc.. these things have chipped away at my soul for a lifetime. I'm not sure there's anything left anymore, with the exception of my kind and caring nature. But that's it. No hopes, no dreams, no belief things can be any different. I've tried. Failed. I've done everything you're supposed to do, but in the end it seems like the only people that have any hope in being successful are the ones that step on others. I can't. I know what it's like to be stepped on myself. The things I've been through have changed me permanently. Into a hollow shell of who I could have been. I'm not sad. Just empty. My soul has been shattered so many times that every time I try to piece it back together it's always missing pieces. But now all that's left is dust. I want it to end. I need it to end. The only reason I'm still here is for others. But that's it.

Wow, you put that so beautifully. I'm so sorry for everything you've been through, and can relate to pretty much every word. I feel like the people encouraging me to stay alive are only doing so because they believe the "old me" will come back, but that me has been dead a long time. There's no happy person hiding underneath, this is just who I am now. I feel incredibly sad looking at family photos. Me as a little kid, unaware what was in store for the future. Me as a young teen right before this all started, so full of hope for the future. It really is like looking at a different person.

 

[IanUK]

I'm starting to believe that trauma can change a person to their core. Trauma after trauma, betrayal, being belittled, etc.. these things have chipped away at my soul for a lifetime. I'm not sure there's anything left anymore, with the exception of my kind and caring nature. But that's it. No hopes, no dreams, no belief things can be any different. I've tried. Failed. I've done everything you're supposed to do, but in the end it seems like the only people that have any hope in being successful are the ones that step on others. I can't. I know what it's like to be stepped on myself. The things I've been through have changed me permanently. Into a hollow shell of who I could have been. I'm not sad. Just empty. My soul has been shattered so many times that every time I try to piece it back together it's always missing pieces. But now all that's left is dust. I want it to end. I need it to end. The only reason I'm still here is for others. But that's it.

God that's so true. I was a completely different person before November 2008 when my father died; I internalised my grief to support my mother and in August 2013 when mum died it all came out. In hindsight I realised I was increasingly unhappy with the world and losing both parents very suddenly in the case of both focused all my other negative thoughts. I'm no longer the same person in any way.

 

[contramundum]

I agree with all you have described. Every time I searched happiness and failed, something in me died. And I changed as a person. I was an extremely joyful person, today I don't know what joy is. I just can't feel it anymore. The same for hope. All those feelings have died in me gradually, and now they are gone. I don't recognize me anymore. Every kick we get from life transforms us. The only feeling I have right now is sadness. I don't believe there is a way back.

 

[VicMackey]

I'm starting to believe that trauma can change a person to their core. Trauma after trauma, betrayal, being belittled, etc.. these things have chipped away at my soul for a lifetime. I'm not sure there's anything left anymore, with the exception of my kind and caring nature. But that's it. No hopes, no dreams, no belief things can be any different. I've tried. Failed. I've done everything you're supposed to do, but in the end it seems like the only people that have any hope in being successful are the ones that step on others. I can't. I know what it's like to be stepped on myself. The things I've been through have changed me permanently. Into a hollow shell of who I could have been. I'm not sad. Just empty. My soul has been shattered so many times that every time I try to piece it back together it's always missing pieces. But now all that's left is dust. I want it to end. I need it to end. The only reason I'm still here is for others. But that's it.

Very well said.
We are perishable. Not just our mortal bodies, but our souls and hearts. One broken so bad and so many times, we will never be the same. A part of us dies.

 

[vita min]

Oh, this one is really relatable. I grieve for the people I have lost, including the old me.

 

[ForbiddenSiren]

Damn I feel like I wrote this. Can totally relate. So much has happened over the years that I feel absolutely fucking detached from the world and other people. I have even been feeling like that with my girlfriend of 9 years.

I dont even recognise myself.

Im struggling to feel things anymore and its fucking weird. Everything is so cold and empty.

Trauma one hundred percent can cause this.

I hope you are okay friend.
I wish we could all fly away to a another planet with a different existence without having to die.

 

[watchingthewheels]

"In conversation, it could be said/
that after war, your heart is dead/
Well, it's not hard to understand/
There is no heart in Harold Land/"

-Yes, "Harold Land

 

[whywhywhy]

I have a similar experience. I used to be hopeful, selfless and trying to help people as much as I could.

But after so many years living as a reject, somehow I dont care about any of that anymore, it feels like im a way worse person because of that now which makes it seem that the only good traits I had are gone.

Its hard to compare myself with my younger hopeful self. Im not the same person anymore and it feels like there is no hope of me ever coming back to who I was. And lately hobbies that I used to enjoy and helped me to get through hard times seem to bore me. Day by day I feel everything is going worse.

 

[logan]

Traumatic experiences can change us completely.

Some make it back into life - others break apart.

I always thought I would make it - but circumstances can develop so unfavourably that there is simply no way out.

Every person has an individual limit to what they can bear.
When this threshold is permanently exceeded, sometimes CTB is the only option left.

 

[watchingthewheels]

I have a similar experience. I used to be hopeful, SELFLESS and trying to help people as much as I could.


Its hard to compare myself with my younger hopeful SELF Im not the same person anymore and it feels like there is no hope of me ever coming back to who I was.

"My client claims that the person they once were does not exist anymore. Your honor, I submit that the philosophical and spiritual contradictions inherent in the ideas taught to my client have led to suicidal ideation. How could it be otherwise?. My client was taught it was bad to be "selfish", and now wonders why they are not the same "younger, hopeful self? If these ideas result in suicide, then I submit that those who teach such ideas are complicit in murder, not of the body, but of the mind."

"We have come to hold, in a kind of mawkish stupor, that greatness is to be gauged by self-sacrifice. Self-sacrifice, we drool, is the ultimate virtue. Let's stop and think for a moment. Is sacrifice a virtue? Can a man sacrifice his integrity? His honor? His freedom? His ideal? His convictions? The honesty of his feeling? The independence of his thought? But these are a man's supreme possessions. Anything he gives up for them is not a sacrifice but an easy bargain. They, however, are above sacrificing to any cause or consideration whatsoever. Should we not, then, stop preaching dangerous and vicious nonsense? Self-sacrifice? But it is precisely the self that cannot and must not be sacrificed. It is the unsacrificed self that we must respect in man above all."

-Ayn Rand, THE FOUNTAINHEAD

 

[Neowise]

I'm starting to believe that trauma can change a person to their core. Trauma after trauma, betrayal, being belittled, etc.. these things have chipped away at my soul for a lifetime. I'm not sure there's anything left anymore, with the exception of my kind and caring nature. But that's it. No hopes, no dreams, no belief things can be any different. I've tried. Failed. I've done everything you're supposed to do, but in the end it seems like the only people that have any hope in being successful are the ones that step on others. I can't. I know what it's like to be stepped on myself. The things I've been through have changed me permanently. Into a hollow shell of who I could have been. I'm not sad. Just empty. My soul has been shattered so many times that every time I try to piece it back together it's always missing pieces. But now all that's left is dust. I want it to end. I need it to end. The only reason I'm still here is for others. But that's it.

As if this was written by me.

Besides default attributes like liking nature, being kind and calm nothing else is left of my personality. I'm an empty shell. It's sad but also a bit fascinating how depression can consume your character. Literally consume it, as if it is taking one bite every day and then shitting it out again, completely unrecycable.

I occasionally compare depression to cancer. Both are continually growing bigger, both eat you alive from the inside and both kill you after a long time.
"Mind cancer", yeah. I think that is a nice term.