supergold#2
sapphic, suicidal, and stupid
- Oct 20, 2024
- 80
like, idk why i've just been putting things off for so long now, like, in my head it almost seemed "noble" or something, like that i'd just voluntarily let myself suffer for almost two years now, keeping up appearences just to have to lie to their faces every time they ask how i'm doing, and that shit sucks.
truth is that i've known for years now, that if i ever moved back home, it'd be it for me, the final chapter, and like, i tried my best to avoid it (i think?), when i came back i invested heavily in giving therapy/psychiatry an honest shot, but, like, it just doesn't help,
it never has.
no matter how seriousy i try to take it, no matter how hard i push, i'm just watching myself wither away with no end in sight. like. i straight up cannot hold a job anymore, i can barely get my meds covered, and the government is paying for the very little food i do manage to eat these days.
i am genuinely just taking up space and hating every second of it: but i especially fucking hate seeing how much i make the people around me worry so much, for what? just a long cycle of never-ending disappointments.
so i think i've decided to catch my buss tomorrow.
i've got a few lorazepam, probs like 800? mg of clozapine, a couple of amitriptyline's i've been hoarding, a couple bags of shitty gas station kratom lmao, 600mg of belsomra
my plan is to start off the lorazepam/amitriptyline to mellow out a bit first, then about 30(ish) minutes later i'll add the clozapine and belsomra to the the mix
while the seditive do their trick, I'll get my bathroom airtight (and hang some signs outside too), and settle down next to a nice bath (filled with both some of magnesium sulfide and draino)
like, my plan is that HOPEFULLY all the various cns depressents put me pretty out of it, while the gas builds up and take me out
like, i've got all the parts here, don't even gotta do any shopping, i think it'll be nice
truth is that i've known for years now, that if i ever moved back home, it'd be it for me, the final chapter, and like, i tried my best to avoid it (i think?), when i came back i invested heavily in giving therapy/psychiatry an honest shot, but, like, it just doesn't help,
it never has.
no matter how seriousy i try to take it, no matter how hard i push, i'm just watching myself wither away with no end in sight. like. i straight up cannot hold a job anymore, i can barely get my meds covered, and the government is paying for the very little food i do manage to eat these days.
i am genuinely just taking up space and hating every second of it: but i especially fucking hate seeing how much i make the people around me worry so much, for what? just a long cycle of never-ending disappointments.
so i think i've decided to catch my buss tomorrow.
i've got a few lorazepam, probs like 800? mg of clozapine, a couple of amitriptyline's i've been hoarding, a couple bags of shitty gas station kratom lmao, 600mg of belsomra
(though just in case something goes wrong, i've got 5grams of duloxetin, 1g of trazadone, 800mgs thorazine, 1.8 grams depakote, and a handfull of verious other one off' bottles here and there, just waiting in reserve lol")
while the seditive do their trick, I'll get my bathroom airtight (and hang some signs outside too), and settle down next to a nice bath (filled with both some of magnesium sulfide and draino)
like, my plan is that HOPEFULLY all the various cns depressents put me pretty out of it, while the gas builds up and take me out
like, i've got all the parts here, don't even gotta do any shopping, i think it'll be nice
