Venting The part of me that still wants to live

[WinterFaust]

Someone told me yesterday that deep down I still wanted to live, someone trying to get me to see that my life wasn't over. I was irritable and annoyed at first. They couldn't possibly understand how broken I've been, the fact that my suffering was caused by me and me alone. I did this to myself, all of it (well, except for the shitty childhood and inherited bipolar). I can't wait to get my hands on SN, I'm desperately impatient.

But I thought about it, really truly thought about it today and there is still a small part of me that wants to live, just not like this. There is no part of me that has hope in this life or my ability to turn things around. Instead, the part of me that wants to live is jealous, bitter, and resentful. It's the part of me that reads about people's triumphs from rock bottom, their recovery, their unyeilding will to live, their moments of happiness however fleeting. I see the statics, I see that the majority of people with my disorders live. And that little part of me doesn't want to be left out, just like a child. "Why can't I be like them? Why can't I push through the pain? Why didn't I give myself the chance to see the otherside? How come I've doomed myself to die alone? Why am I so weak? Why didn't I just try?"

The part of me that wants to live is sad and mired in despair just like the rest of me. No part of me can see any other way out but all my mistakes are agonizingly clear. When I hit rock bottom several months ago, I thought my life was over so I waited and hoped that my life would end. That's it. I didn't try to get out, I just sunk deeper into guilt, shame, and grief. Things didn't get better, they only got worse. Rock bottom has a basement and you don't get out miraculously. You have to try and I didn't. That small part of me resents the fact that I ruined any chance of recovery. The part of me that wants to live wishes I were stronger.

 

[faust]

Hello, I am sorry you are dealing with all of these.
The part of you which wants to live actually wants to live another life, full of joy, happiness, care and love especially if you have never truly lived.
We often think that we want to die, however, if everything would miraculously change, we would be likely to stay and enjoy the moment.
Unfortunately, these changes do not happen in an instance.
A decent life might be dream-like for us and it is okay if you have dreams, but the thing that stops us from being happy is realizing that the way out is not clear and entering this path does not mean we will find the exit. So, we know that there is something on the other side of the mountain, but can't be sure what is there. A part of you thinks that there is a paradise on the other side, but these are simply our hopes, may be it is far from reality, may be not.
The only way to check is to climb up the mountain, descend and see what is on the other side. The rest is just a dream.
All the things we know is that if our dreams die, we become literally dead souls.
However, if we die, our dreams die with us.

 

[Crows]

Sounds like me.

 

[WinterFaust]

Hello, I am sorry you are dealing with all of these.
The part of you which wants to live actually wants to live another life, full of joy, happiness, care and love especially if you have never truly lived.
We often think that we want to die, however, if everything would miraculously change, we would be likely to stay and enjoy the moment.
Unfortunately, these changes do not happen in an instance.
A decent life might be dream-like for us and it is okay if you have dreams, but the thing that stops us from being happy is realizing that the way out is not clear and entering this path does not mean we will find the exit. So, we know that there is something on the other side of the mountain, but can't be sure what is there. A part of you thinks that there is a paradise on the other side, but these are simply our hopes, may be it is far from reality, may be not.
The only way to check is to climb up the mountain, descend and see what is on the other side. The rest is just a dream.
All the things we know is that if our dreams die, we become literally dead souls.
However, if we die, our dreams die with us.

Ah, thank you for this lovely and very accurate response. My heart is so heavy because it was the unknown on the otherside after losing paradise that stopped me from entering the path again. And then I learned that even when you lose everything, there is always more to lose. I didn't mean to lose my health in my grief, I just didn't see a future, life any longer. I believed there was nothing for me and it became a self fufilling proohecy. Or maybe confirmation bias, who knows?
I lived for a brief moment, even in the midst of my depression. That was paradise but much of that is lost to me now. What dreams can I have now, how do I make the climb with even less than I had before?

 

[faust]

@WinterFaust "even when you lose everything, there is always more to lose" I think this is the most accurate description of so-called fate. I know I don't have to ask this now, however are these just dreams or memories from the past?

 

[WinterFaust]

@WinterFaust "even when you lose everything, there is always more to lose" I think this is the most accurate description of so-called fate. I know I don't have to ask this now, however are these just dreams or memories from the past?

Both but certainly memories of the past. That was my only frame of reference for any measure of happiness and it all disappeared in one fell-swoop.
It's funny, I think if I had been able to attribute it to fate or anything beyond myself, I would have fared better. In the end, it was the guilt and shame the got me really.