The Pain of Unfairness

[etherealgoddess]

I have been healing a lot and slowly getting my life together. But, I was wondering how this resonates with others. I feel a deep sense of pain for how my childhood played out. I would never replay my childhood. Dad completely ignored me, my mom screamed at me 24/7 calling me names for every single mistake I made at the top of her lungs for almost 2 decades. I had no space to grow as an individual and learn life skills. I can't help but look at other people and wish I had a more normal childhood. My childhood was so emotionally abusive. No guidance, no understanding, just stress and shame. And all I can think about is how former classmates I know are ahead of me because they just happened to not be in an abusive environment. They get that unique college experience while I don't. They get to function so easily while it's so hard for me because of my mental health issues. It's so crushing. The worst part is it feels so incredibly hard to say it was abusive because my mom cared so much and tried so hard, but she really was abusive. All I can think about is if I had parents who would asked me my opinion or what I really needed… how much farther would I be right now in my life. I always was a very ambitious person but never had the right place to flourish. Picking up the pieces and putting it back together is what will be done but it doesn't make it any less painful. I won't give up and know that I shouldn't compare my life and my backstory to other people's, but it's so hard to not.

 

[Sulyya]

You seem intelligent and empathetic. It's good that you are understanding it all and continuing. Best of luck

 

[emptyenvelopes]

I have walked a mile in your shoes and I too know that that pain stays even when you leave childhood. In order to move on, I had to acknowledge and accept that my parents sucked. Then I had to stop hoping they would be better. Finally I had to decide how/if I could incorporate them in my adult life. I learned to expect nothing more than what they could provide (even if it is far less than what a parent is supposed to do). And setting boundaries with them helped me set it with others and grow in a way that helped me a better adult. I know it's harder than it sounds. I read a lot of self help and psychology related books that helped me accept my past and grow into my future. Feel free to PM me if you would like to know the book titles & authors