Venting The pain is unreal

[Øystein]

I can't even grasp the idea of people not feeling like this. It seems impossible. The pain is drilling a continuous hole inside my chest. I can physically feel my mental state in every tissue of my body and every move that i make. It hurts, god, it fucking hurts and makes me vocally whimper like a dog. I feel so trapped. I wish i got run over and had to deal with those sort of injuries instead of what i'm going through in my mind. Im slowly stopping believing that it could be real, because no one ever told me that it will hurt so bad. I can't even describe how painful it is, but i want to smash my head into the wall just to make it stop. I don't know how im supposed to live with this for so long, every day is a fucking nightmare. I'm tired, man, i'm tired and want to scream. I don't know how to deal with this. Everyone expects everything from me but no one gives a shit about anything other than that. Please just make it stop. Please please i didn't deserve this.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling so terrible. Do you want to share what the source of your pain is?

 

[JoeFailure]

Is this a breakup? I had a really bad one like 7 years ago that felt a lot like what you're talking about. I never thought it would go away and it was constantly in my head. It's really, really tough to go through that.

I can say that part, even though it's super cliche...it will actually go away with time if you take the right steps and you'll be stronger.

This is of course if you are talking about a breakup and not a physical/mental illness type of thing.

 

[Øystein]

Maybe i should have clarified, but i didn't think anyone would care enough to reply. I'm only speaking about dealing with mental illness, everything outside of my head is better than ever. That's why i feel like there is nothing to fix, nothing to escape from, nothing to heal that would make it better.

 

[WillOxyWork]

Maybe i should have clarified, but i didn't think anyone would care enough to reply. I'm only speaking about dealing with mental illness, everything outside of my head is better than ever. That's why i feel like there is nothing to fix, nothing to escape from, nothing to heal that would make it better.

Oh I see. The anguish of mental illness is awful. Objectively, nothing should be wrong, but at the same time, everything feels very wrong. I found distractions like video games to be very helpful when feeling like that, and music that matches my mood to be cathartic. I hope you can find something to help alleviate your pain.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

It's crazy to believe that other people's thoughts just work differently and they don't intend to kill themselves. I don't understand it at all.

 

[Øystein]

Oh I see. The anguish of mental illness is awful. Objectively, nothing should be wrong, but at the same time, everything feels very wrong. I found distractions like video games to be very helpful when feeling like that, and music that matches my mood to be cathartic. I hope you can find something to help alleviate your pain.

Thanks for answering. I'm just desperate for any connection with anyone who understands even a little bit. Finding a distraction is the most obvious way of dealing with this besides professional help, but at this point everything hurts too much to concentrate on things i should be enjoying. That's what i mean, i don't know where to escspe, every day is just me silently begging to be able to sleep and avoiding having to manage my time while awake.

It's crazy to believe that other people's thoughts just work differently and they don't intend to kill themselves. I don't understand it at all.

I guess you're being sarcastic, sorry, I know it sounded stupid.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

Thanks for answering. I'm just desperate for any connection with anyone who understands even a little bit. Finding a distraction is the most obvious way of dealing with this besides professional help, but at this point everything hurts too much to concentrate on things i should be enjoying. That's what i mean, i don't know where to escspe, every day is just me silently begging to be able to sleep and avoiding having to manage my time while awake.


I guess you're being sarcastic, sorry, I know it sounded stupid.

Hi. I'm new here, but have been viewing the forum for a long time. I"m wondering if we have anything in common. I can't get out of bed. I can't shower. I can't perform daily functions - because of depression. I can't be here. I don't want it to be this way, but it is. I have lost all hope - did some time ago. All I think about is dying and can't figure out a way. Have researched everything. Does anyone else have these symptoms? I have no energy to do anything.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I feel you. Currently I can't enjoy anything either. I'm just suffering. Shit sucks.

Hi. I'm new here, but have been viewing the forum for a long time. I"m wondering if we have anything in common. I can't get out of bed. I can't shower. I can't perform daily functions - because of depression. I can't be here. I don't want it to be this way, but it is. I have lost all hope - did some time ago. All I think about is dying and can't figure out a way. Have researched everything. Does anyone else have these symptoms? I have no energy to do anything.

Sounds like you are in a deep depression - I'm really sorry. Have you ever tried seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? I'm not saying it will cure you, but it is something one should try if they've never done so.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

I feel you. Currently I can't enjoy anything either. I'm just suffering. Shit sucks.

Sounds like you are in a deep depression - I'm really sorry. Have you ever tried seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? I'm not saying it will cure you, but it is something one should try if they've never done so.

Are you able to get dressed?

I feel you. Currently I can't enjoy anything either. I'm just suffering. Shit sucks.

Sounds like you are in a deep depression - I'm really sorry. Have you ever tried seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? I'm not saying it will cure you, but it is something one should try if they've never done so.

I couldn't figure out if you were replying to me or the OP.

 

[WillOxyWork]

Currently yes, but barely. I've been in your position before though. Lately, I pretty much migrate between my bed and my couch all day
The "I feel you part was to the OP". We shouldn't hijack this thread. I can message you if you want to talk

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

I feel you. Currently I can't enjoy anything either. I'm just suffering. Shit sucks.

Sounds like you are in a deep depression - I'm really sorry. Have you ever tried seeing a therapist or psychiatrist? I'm not saying it will cure you, but it is something one should try if they've never done so.

Me? I've gone to a psychiatrist (and psychologists) for years. Hospitalized myself last year (to get off of benzos so that I could have ECT), and that didn't work. I suddenly came out of it in early December, had a very intense, wonderful relationship that seemed like it would be very long-term, it ended suddenly without explanation and no contact, and I fell into a depression that I've never experienced. I'm all alone. I have a daughter.

Currently yes, but barely. I've been in your position before though. Lately, I pretty much migrate between my bed and my couch all day
The "I feel you part was to the OP". We shouldn't hijack this thread. I can message you if you want to talk

That sounds good. I'm unclear as to how to message privately here.

Currently yes, but barely. I've been in your position before though. Lately, I pretty much migrate between my bed and my couch all day
The "I feel you part was to the OP". We shouldn't hijack this thread. I can message you if you want to talk

Tried to message you, but haven't figured that out yet.

 

[WillOxyWork]

Me? I've gone to a psychiatrist (and psychologists) for years. Hospitalized myself last year (to get off of benzos so that I could have ECT), and that didn't work. I suddenly came out of it in early December, had a very intense, wonderful relationship that seemed like it would be very long-term, it ended suddenly without explanation and no contact, and I fell into a depression that I've never experienced. I'm all alone. I have a daughter.

That sounds good. I'm unclear as to how to message privately here.

It seems we can't private chat yet because your account is new.

Just wanted to make sure you've at least tried seeing a professional. Sorry it hasn't helped in the past. And the breakup sounds brutal :(
I'm not trying to trivialize your pain, but you're not completely alone. You still have a daughter

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

It seems we can't private chat yet because your account is new.

Just wanted to make sure you've at least tried seeing a professional. Sorry it hasn't helped in the past. And the breakup sounds brutal :(
I'm not trying to trivialize your pain, but you're not completely alone. You still have a daughter

Yes, I have tried for years. It's just that this was seemingly the flip that switched me. I was happy for the first time in maybe 20 years - and finally felt there was hope. Have already been through so much pain and abuse (life's most important relationships ending - much was my fault - after intense physical and emotional abuse throughout all of my childhood and teens) that this pushed me over. I'm not able to feel anything - even for my daughter. So much trauma...and then this just happened. I knew I couldn't sustain much more in my life, but never imagined being completely unable to function.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

It seems we can't private chat yet because your account is new.

Just wanted to make sure you've at least tried seeing a professional. Sorry it hasn't helped in the past. And the breakup sounds brutal :(
I'm not trying to trivialize your pain, but you're not completely alone. You still have a daughter

How do I get to the point where we can chat privately?

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I am so sorry for your suffering. I wish I could make it better for you.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

I wonder if Øystein, the OP, is experiencing something similar. I posted a reply a few minutes ago, but it tells me: " This message is awaiting moderator approval, and is invisible to normal visitors."

 

[WillOxyWork]

How do I get to the point where we can chat privately?

The permissions to create a thread, send and receive PMs, and to use the chatroom will be granted automatically after you post a certain secret number of times and are active for at least 24 hours. This is to avoid spam and abuse of accounts.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

The permissions to create a thread, send and receive PMs, and to use the chatroom will be granted automatically after you post a certain secret number of times and are active for at least 24 hours. This is to avoid spam and abuse of accounts.

That makes sense. Thankful the site is allowing me to post on this thread. And thankful for you.

The permissions to create a thread, send and receive PMs, and to use the chatroom will be granted automatically after you post a certain secret number of times and are active for at least 24 hours. This is to avoid spam and abuse of accounts.

I've always been high-functioning and have been able to control myself (Ivy League school, run a business, manage a household), and this was seemingly the last straw. BPD. Abused nonstop as a child and adolescent. I think this was just the last straw. Everyone I know has someone - even a parent.

I can't even grasp the idea of people not feeling like this. It seems impossible. The pain is drilling a continuous hole inside my chest. I can physically feel my mental state in every tissue of my body and every move that i make. It hurts, god, it fucking hurts and makes me vocally whimper like a dog. I feel so trapped. I wish i got run over and had to deal with those sort of injuries instead of what i'm going through in my mind. Im slowly stopping believing that it could be real, because no one ever told me that it will hurt so bad. I can't even describe how painful it is, but i want to smash my head into the wall just to make it stop. I don't know how im supposed to live with this for so long, every day is a fucking nightmare. I'm tired, man, i'm tired and want to scream. I don't know how to deal with this. Everyone expects everything from me but no one gives a shit about anything other than that. Please just make it stop. Please please i didn't deserve this.

I'm feeling similarly. But not sure of whether it's the same thing.

 

[WillOxyWork]

Yes, I have tried for years. It's just that this was seemingly the flip that switched me. I was happy for the first time in maybe 20 years - and finally felt there was hope. Have already been through so much pain and abuse (life's most important relationships ending - much was my fault - after intense physical and emotional abuse throughout all of my childhood and teens) that this pushed me over. I'm not able to feel anything - even for my daughter. So much trauma...and then this just happened. I knew I couldn't sustain much more in my life, but never imagined being completely unable to function.

Ugh, that's awful. I get what it's like to feel hope for once and then lose it. I had really turned things around for myself and then last November, I needed surgery for an infection which caused me to have to drop out of my masters program, and shit has been really downhill from there. 2 months ago I was afflicted with a chronic health problem (tinnitus and visual snow) and I've just completely lost it. I don't think hope is ever coming back with the loss of my health
I'm barely functional anymore either. I'm at my parents place and they basically feed me and harass me until I bathe, while I lay around all day in agony.

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

Ugh, that's awful. I get what it's like to feel hope for once and then lose it. I had really turned things around for myself and then last November, I needed surgery for an infection which caused me to have to drop out of my masters program, and shit has been really downhill from there. 2 months ago I was afflicted with a chronic health problem (tinnitus and visual snow) and I've just completely lost it. I don't think hope is ever coming back with the loss of my health
I'm barely functional anymore either. I'm at my parents place and they basically feed me and harass me until I bathe, while I lay around all day in agony.

I'm so sorry. This sounds incredibly terrifying -and due to a surgery! Are you able to eat? I haven't been. I wish to be cautious with my words as I don't want to offend, but I only wish that I had parents to be with - whatever the struggle is.
I think this is what they used to refer to as a "nervous breakdown."

Ugh, that's awful. I get what it's like to feel hope for once and then lose it. I had really turned things around for myself and then last November, I needed surgery for an infection which caused me to have to drop out of my masters program, and shit has been really downhill from there. 2 months ago I was afflicted with a chronic health problem (tinnitus and visual snow) and I've just completely lost it. I don't think hope is ever coming back with the loss of my health
I'm barely functional anymore either. I'm at my parents place and they basically feed me and harass me until I bathe, while I lay around all day in agony.

It sounds like you were feeling a bit better a couple of weeks back. I assume that wasn't long-lasting.....:/ ? You must be in great physical pain.

 

[WillOxyWork]

I'm so sorry. This sounds incredibly terrifying -and due to a surgery! Are you able to eat? I haven't been. I wish to be cautious with my words as I don't want to offend, but I only wish that I had parents to be with - whatever the struggle is.
I think this is what they used to refer to as a "nervous breakdown."

It sounds like you were feeling a bit better a couple of weeks back. I assume that wasn't long-lasting.....:/ ? You must be in great physical pain.

Everything with the infection is better now, but it just led to a snowball effect shitstorm. Tinnitus and visual snow were from a different cause and aren't necessarily painful, but they have destroyed the quality of life. Certain sounds are painful to my ears though.

I'm barely able to eat. I eat a small meal like once a day when I start to feel like starving. I've lost a lot of weight. Yes, I'm lucky to have my parents, and it makes me feel so guilty that I still may end my own life when they're looking out for me.
If you're interested in my story, I made a really long post when I first joined the forum: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/long-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-a-right-to-be-suicidal.42474/

 

[cantgetoutofbed]

Everything with the infection is better now, but it just led to a snowball effect shitstorm. Tinnitus and visual snow were from a different cause and aren't necessarily painful, but they have destroyed the quality of life. Certain sounds are painful to my ears though.

I'm barely able to eat. I eat a small meal like once a day when I start to feel like starving. I've lost a lot of weight. Yes, I'm lucky to have my parents, and it makes me feel so guilty that I still may end my own life when they're looking out for me.
If you're interested in my story, I made a really long post when I first joined the forum: https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/long-i-feel-like-i-dont-have-a-right-to-be-suicidal.42474/

Thank you for your response. I'm going to read your story. Have you been close to CTB, or just trying to hang on and hope for better times? I've hear how horrible tinnitus can be.

 

[WillOxyWork]

Thank you for your response. I'm going to read your story. Have you been close to CTB, or just trying to hang on and hope for better times? I've hear how horrible tinnitus can be.

I've been close to CTB, even before the tinnitus started. Tinnitus is really pushing me over the edge now. I don't feel any hope for better times with chronic health problems

 

[JerJoh]

Thanks for answering. I'm just desperate for any connection with anyone who understands even a little bit. Finding a distraction is the most obvious way of dealing with this besides professional help, but at this point everything hurts too much to concentrate on things i should be enjoying. That's what i mean, i don't know where to escspe, every day is just me silently begging to be able to sleep and avoiding having to manage my time while awake.


I guess you're being sarcastic, sorry, I know it sounded stupid.

I suffer from CPTSD and it can be very debilitating, sometimes all I can do is bury my head into a pillow and scream until I feel so numb and tired that I fall asleep.

It's a massive struggle and nobody in my life save for one person understands me, to everyone else I appear fine, they dont understand what its like to struggle with such a debilitating illness and don't know how to treat or talk to someone with my condition.

If you need to vent, someone to reach out to DM me and I will listen and let you feel heard. Mental illnesses of any kind are very serious and nobody should have to go through them alone.