arslongavitabrevis

arslongavitabrevis

Hermit
Feb 11, 2020
15
Hello,

I'm new here but have been circling the drain for some time now.

Posting this to vent or try to make some sense of the most illogical experiences.

I feel like i'm in a constant cycle of pain-grief-apathy. Very fucked up childhood/adolescence and adulthood which has left me with CPTSD and major depression. I can't hold on to happiness, never have been able to. I can see the shape of it but I can't really touch it.. I know it only has one foot in the room. As do I, I guess.

I want to make music. The only thought that keeps me somewhat buoyant is that I will make this one record, capture all the horror that's in my mind and soul and then I can die. But, I don't believe in the work as I can't hold on to any positive though for long. Everything is shit eventually. I'm shit at the only thing I feel might be my purpose.

My family has been through a lot of grief and pain. Losing me would be shit on them. But, me staying for however long in prolonged pain isn't fair either.
So, I'm looking for a way to disappear. I have commitments/performances for a few more weeks and I'm thinking I'll save my fee's, find some remote part of this cold rock, book a hotel and off myself there. There are so many treacherous mountains that I could die of exposure on. Or bodies of water I could offer myself to. I don't want to be found by anyone I know.
 
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Reactions: Brink, highlyvolatile, Indieblue and 2 others
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HopeDiesLast

self-banned
Dec 28, 2019
254
I feel like i'm in a constant cycle of pain-grief-apathy. Very fucked up childhood/adolescence and adulthood which has left me with CPTSD and major depression. I can't hold on to happiness, never have been able to. I can see the shape of it but I can't really touch it.. I know it only has one foot in the room. As do I, I guess.


This is probably the most poetic description of depression that I've ever read.
 
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Reactions: highlyvolatile and arslongavitabrevis
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Deleted member 1465

_
Jul 31, 2018
6,914
I can see the shape of it but I can't really touch it..
That's quite descriptive. I've always felt the same. The effort to feel something good is exhausting. For some people that is just the way. The only way to fight it is to find something you love doing and do it lots, but that's easier said than done.
 

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