Discussion The "outsider" feeling

[derpyderpins]

So yesterday after work we had this "meet-and-greet" for some summer interns. These types of gatherings are normal in my field. Drinks and finger foods, you walk around to the different circles and try to talk to people. You know, you have to be 'on' and contribute.

I hate that shit. Always have. As long as I can remember I'd be the one kind of awkwardly hovering on the outside of the circle, and there's not really quite room to step in.

That's how things always were for me growing up. As soon as I transferred to public school. I'd be kinda associated with a group, but not really in it. On the edge of the pictures. If there were one too few seats, I'd have to go find another group. I'd get invited to some stuff, but I had to nose in and basically ask to be asked. I had it pointed out to me one time, that the people I wanted to be my friends just weren't and didn't think of me that way. Middle school, high school, uni.

God it's an awful feeling. It's such a passive form of rejection. It keeps you there in case there's need of a substitute sometime. If no one else is around, you can be fallen back to. You, a person. Your whole existence relegated to backup. It's like the friend equivalent of the "friend zone", as weird as that sounds. The backup zone. It has the same characteristics as the romantic friend zone. There's no way to permanently move up. You will wait there to get your 5 seconds in the game then get back to the bench. There's no criteria or metric you can hit, because fundamentally you aren't as appealing for whatever reason, and once that impression is made, that you're the 'great value' person, you can't convince someone you're just as good as the name brand.

Mmmm. Just thinking about it and writing this out. . . what a great pit in my stomach. I haven't felt this strongly in a while, even after my accident yesterday I was just numb. The hurt is something special. Oooh man I used to feel like this all the time. Throbbing. It's destructive, so I should pull out, but it's kinda like a drug. I sure am some sort of sick fuck.

 

[Blue Elephant]

You know, for a very long time I felt the same, but these days I don't feel sad because I'm not included anymore. I'm actually annoyed when I am included. These humans are so dumb that my brain hurts when I hear them speaking so I stay away and practice my hobbies. : )

 

[derpyderpins]

You know, for a very long time I felt the same, but these days I don't feel sad because I'm not included anymore. I'm actually annoyed when I am included. These humans are so dumb that my brain hurts when I hear them speaking so I stay away and practice my hobbies. : )

Happy for you. I think since I still don't like myself I crave the validation and masochistically crave the rejection.

 

[lemonbunny]

this is rlly accurate to my experience. i remember a time in summer camp where the counselor was going around saying what he liked about everyone in our group. he had personalized compliments for every person except when it came to me, he just said: "well, you're part of the furniture now. you're just there." basically confirming i don't really mean anything, im the disposable friend

 

[derpyderpins]

this is rlly accurate to my experience. i remember a time in summer camp where the counselor was going around saying what he liked about everyone in our group. he had personalized compliments for every person except when it came to me, he just said: "well, you're part of the furniture now. you're just there." basically confirming i don't really mean anything, im the disposable friend

Jesus Christ fuck that guy.

 

[astr4]

idk why but just from reading your comments and stuff you always give off the energy of being popular and well liked. it's kind of surprising reading this and some of ur more recent comments have been very relatable.

just wanna say ur super valid and u seem like a cool dude and i think its a shame that some people don't see it.

 

[Beyond_Repair]

I can really relate to feeling like an outsider. That's been my experience most of my life. Always the afterthought

I used to force myself to go to social events and on outings with "friends" from work. Until I eventually realized I didn't actually even enjoy being around them I don't enjoy small talk or have a family to talk about so I don't have much to add. And my interests don't overlap with many people I know

Now I actually enjoy spending time alone and prefer it, and people have accused me of being a snob/narcissistic b/c of this. The irony

 

[derpyderpins]

idk why but just from reading your comments and stuff you always give off the energy of being popular and well liked. it's kind of surprising reading this and some of ur more recent comments have been very relatable.

just wanna say ur super valid and u seem like a cool dude and i think its a shame that some people don't see it.

Thanks for saying that. It's hard to evaluate me because my self-evaluation is so bad. I have a lot to be grateful for, but I also have hurt a lot for good reason or because it's all in my head.

People like me, especially these days. In the times I described in this post, I overcompensated by acting super over-confident to the point of being a jerk and that probably put some people off. Even back then, there were people who probably wanted to be closer to me, but they weren't the people I was trying to be closer to. I guess that's the thing: I decide to base my worth on the opinions of people I admire and if they don't reciprocate I think I'm a complete waste, as if people are to be judged on a linear scale and it has been determined I'm down low.

 

[AshersGirl]

I think I've always felt like the odd one out because my thought processes appear so vastly different from my peers. When I say what I really think I get looked at like an alien being so over the years I think I learned the art of assimilation and only showing the palatable bits. It's a very rare occurrence for me to be able to be my true and complete self with anyone, in fact I think it's only happened once. But maybe we all do this to a degree. I used to crave acceptance and validation so I'd try to be what people wanted / expected, but that was detrimental to me and only beneficial to them - and I don't have the mental energy or the motivation to bother anymore. Now I'm just me and so… my circle got smaller. It's almost non existent. And mostly I'm ok with that, even though it's isolating. I've become an observer rather than an active participant. It's probably not that great for my mental health, but either was boxing myself in.

 

[derpyderpins]

I think I've always felt like the odd one out because my thought processes appear so vastly different from my peers. When I say what I really think I get looked at like an alien being so over the years I think I learned the art of assimilation and only showing the palatable bits. It's a very rare occurrence for me to be able to be my true and complete self with anyone, in fact I think it's only happened once. But maybe we all do this to a degree. I used to crave acceptance and validation so I'd try to be what people wanted / expected, but that was detrimental to me and only beneficial to them - and I don't have the mental energy or the motivation to bother anymore. Now I'm just me and so… my circle got smaller. It's almost non existent. And mostly I'm ok with that, even though it's isolating. I've become an observer rather than an active participant. It's probably not that great for my mental health, but either was boxing myself in.

All rational and makes sense. Similar to my path, although now I suddenly am looking for another piece to add to my small circle. I mean, different people fill different roles, right? My uptick in posts here clearly indicates that I am looking for some sort of . . . something that I'm not getting regarding my depression. I can't just unload it all on my partner, because she doesn't operate in this world. She's mentally healthy.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

God it's an awful feeling. It's such a passive form of rejection. It keeps you there in case there's need of a substitute sometime. If no one else is around, you can be fallen back to. You, a person. Your whole existence relegated to backup. It's like the friend equivalent of the "friend zone", as weird as that sounds. The backup zone. It has the same characteristics as the romantic friend zone. There's no way to permanently move up. You will wait there to get your 5 seconds in the game then get back to the bench. There's no criteria or metric you can hit, because fundamentally you aren't as appealing for whatever reason, and once that impression is made, that you're the 'great value' person, you can't convince someone you're just as good as the name brand.

This is a really interesting way of putting things, I like it. The friend zone of the friend zone. The object zone. You, like @lemonbunny said - become just there. Part of the furniture. Becoming an object. An extra in a movie about these able, mentally healthy main characters.

At the same time, you sound like a fish out of water. A puzzle piece of a dark tunnel mixed into a box of puzzle pieces of a sunny landscape painting. If you're truly not at the end of your life, as in, have made the formal decision to CTB, perhaps find some dark fringe groups to mingle in. You might find going further into the darkness instead of trying to fight it and force yourself into the light may extend your life.

Some people were never meant to be a part of sane, healthy, 'in the sunlight' society. I learned that very early in life as a born Schizo. Go further into the darkness, instead of trying to squeeze yourself into the light. Don't worry so much about fitting in with your coworkers. There are groups out there where it's possible you'll feel more like a part of the group than an object on the shelf.

 

[derpyderpins]

This is a really interesting way of putting things, I like it. The friend zone of the friend zone. The object zone. You, like @lemonbunny said - become just there. Part of the furniture. Becoming an object. An extra in a movie about these able, mentally healthy main characters.

At the same time, you sound like a fish out of water. A puzzle piece of a dark tunnel mixed into a box of puzzle pieces of a sunny landscape painting. If you're truly not at the end of your life, as in, have made the formal decision to CTB, perhaps find some dark fringe groups to mingle in. You might find going further into the darkness instead of trying to fight it and force yourself into the light may extend your life.

Some people were never meant to be a part of sane, healthy, 'in the sunlight' society. I learned that very early in life as a born Schizo. Go further into the darkness, instead of trying to squeeze yourself into the light. Don't worry so much about fitting in with your coworkers. There are groups out there where it's possible you'll feel more like a part of the group than an object on the shelf.

Thanks for the nice words.

And lol I think going towards the darkness is what I'm trying to do here but it's . . . not working.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

My eyes won't let me read any of this except for the postz but it sounds like you're pissed at yourself enough to take initiative and stride in a different style the next time you have to be a person in public. With friends, you find your circle. You don't want a mediocre circle cut out from a magazine or a commercial friendship, literally. This stuff is fixable. When I've talked to people online they are surprised at how reserved I am in person, and I'm just like, "I'm just perpetually shy damn it."

 

[derpyderpins]

My eyes won't let me read any of this except for the postz but it sounds like you're pissed at yourself enough to take initiative and stride in a different style the next time you have to be a person in public. With friends, you find your circle. You don't want a mediocre circle cut out from a magazine or a commercial friendship, literally. This stuff is fixable. When I've talked to people online they are surprised at how reserved I am in person, and I'm just like, "I'm just perpetually shy damn it."

Eh tbh I'm not really worried about the work event thing it was just what prompted the rest of it. I just needed an excuse to get into the topic because of how I feel right now.

 

[selfhazard]

So yesterday after work we had this "meet-and-greet" for some summer interns. These types of gatherings are normal in my field. Drinks and finger foods, you walk around to the different circles and try to talk to people. You know, you have to be 'on' and contribute.

I hate that shit. Always have. As long as I can remember I'd be the one kind of awkwardly hovering on the outside of the circle, and there's not really quite room to step in.

That's how things always were for me growing up. As soon as I transferred to public school. I'd be kinda associated with a group, but not really in it. On the edge of the pictures. If there were one too few seats, I'd have to go find another group. I'd get invited to some stuff, but I had to nose in and basically ask to be asked. I had it pointed out to me one time, that the people I wanted to be my friends just weren't and didn't think of me that way. Middle school, high school, uni.

God it's an awful feeling. It's such a passive form of rejection. It keeps you there in case there's need of a substitute sometime. If no one else is around, you can be fallen back to. You, a person. Your whole existence relegated to backup. It's like the friend equivalent of the "friend zone", as weird as that sounds. The backup zone. It has the same characteristics as the romantic friend zone. There's no way to permanently move up. You will wait there to get your 5 seconds in the game then get back to the bench. There's no criteria or metric you can hit, because fundamentally you aren't as appealing for whatever reason, and once that impression is made, that you're the 'great value' person, you can't convince someone you're just as good as the name brand.

Mmmm. Just thinking about it and writing this out. . . what a great pit in my stomach. I haven't felt this strongly in a while, even after my accident yesterday I was just numb. The hurt is something special. Oooh man I used to feel like this all the time. Throbbing. It's destructive, so I should pull out, but it's kinda like a drug. I sure am some sort of sick fuck.

So yesterday after work we had this "meet-and-greet" for some summer interns. These types of gatherings are normal in my field. Drinks and finger foods, you walk around to the different circles and try to talk to people. You know, you have to be 'on' and contribute.

I hate that shit. Always have. As long as I can remember I'd be the one kind of awkwardly hovering on the outside of the circle, and there's not really quite room to step in.

That's how things always were for me growing up. As soon as I transferred to public school. I'd be kinda associated with a group, but not really in it. On the edge of the pictures. If there were one too few seats, I'd have to go find another group. I'd get invited to some stuff, but I had to nose in and basically ask to be asked. I had it pointed out to me one time, that the people I wanted to be my friends just weren't and didn't think of me that way. Middle school, high school, uni.

God it's an awful feeling. It's such a passive form of rejection. It keeps you there in case there's need of a substitute sometime. If no one else is around, you can be fallen back to. You, a person. Your whole existence relegated to backup. It's like the friend equivalent of the "friend zone", as weird as that sounds. The backup zone. It has the same characteristics as the romantic friend zone. There's no way to permanently move up. You will wait there to get your 5 seconds in the game then get back to the bench. There's no criteria or metric you can hit, because fundamentally you aren't as appealing for whatever reason, and once that impression is made, that you're the 'great value' person, you can't convince someone you're just as good as the name brand.

Mmmm. Just thinking about it and writing this out. . . what a great pit in my stomach. I haven't felt this strongly in a while, even after my accident yesterday I was just numb. The hurt is something special. Oooh man I used to feel like this all the time. Throbbing. It's destructive, so I should pull out, but it's kinda like a drug. I sure am some sort of sick fuck.

It's one of the worst in the world. Seeing something so obtainable be so out of reach... It really is a curse to be so alone.

 

[todiefor]

I 100% understand what you mean. I do think literally no one enjoys these experiences, except maybe the free food, but many pretend to. It makes me feel less alone somehow knowing everyone hates these events and I'm not alone in that feeling. It is just one of those things. I totally get the constant feeling of otherness and lack of belonging and feeling alone in a room full of people , it has always pained me my entire life. I will say for me it did get better over time as I actively sought out people I actually respected and liked as friends and stopped hanging out with people merely because we were put together due to circumstance, be it school or job, and then blaming myself for really not enjoying things others seem to enjoy. It also helped after I stopped having the expectation that friends could understand me and be there for me to help me fill the hole inside my heart, because it isn't really their responsibility I guess, even though it would be nice and wonderful. I guess this concept of not taking things personally, you are who u r, and sure perhaps many people may not like you but also many will, just got to find the right people for you.

I dunno though because I did also ghost all my friends when I became suddenly extremely suicidal, because I didn't think they could understand me and I didn't want to burden them with something that isn't their responsibility, that was the wrong thing to do perhaps and perhaps was detrimental to my wellbeing. But at the time my wellbeing is the last on my priority list.

 

[DefinitelyReady]

Eh tbh I'm not really worried about the work event thing it was just what prompted the rest of it. I just needed an excuse to get into the topic because of how I feel right now.

Well it wasn't solely geared towards work events, or even just work. I meant it applicable to everything. Going to starbucks for a coffee and intentionally being seen. Taking up space. Letting yourself be known sort of thing. Then the same concept among groups or putting yourself out there by asking a girl to hang out or something. They can't reject you if you not in it to begin with. Insert yourself. Then insert an inappropriate pun here.

Happy for you. I think since I still don't like myself I crave the validation and masochistically crave the rejection.

Attention whore. Thirsty af. Boys tryina show their peacocks to any female bird with viewing range

idk why but just from reading your comments and stuff you always give off the energy of being popular and well liked. it's kind of surprising reading this and some of ur more recent comments have been very relatable.

just wanna say ur super valid and u seem like a cool dude and i think its a shame that some people don't see it.

How very Breakfast Club of you

 

[lamargue]

early periods of highschool i used to roam around so that i wouldn't look like a loner. i would always hide from situations where i would be confronted with tight-knit social circles, like in sport. i hid in the bathroom so often it became like a second home to me lmao

 

[derpyderpins]

early periods of highschool i used to roam around so that i wouldn't look like a loner. i would always hide from situations where i would be confronted with tight-knit social circles, like in sport. i hid in the bathroom so often it became like a second home to me lmao

I've gone through phases of that at work. Like just to get away from where someone could walk by my door and bug me.