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i am so lainpilled :3 (? days left)
- Apr 15, 2023
- 247
eepy so this is written kinda poorly lol:
Was midway through a lovely session of trying to neck myself to freedom last night when I was interrupted and idk I still kinda wish I wasn't but also I'm glad I was. Doing it in a bathroom with no actual letter seems a bit too morbid for my liking. I might try to find someplace remote enough for nobody to find my body, I don't even want it to even be recognised as a suicide. I just want to simply fade to obscurity and cease to exist. It's hard to stay positive when I feel like I'm beginning to regress, especially with how this job has going thus far. Like idek anymore, they say "third time's a charm" but I think I'm just cooked in general honestly…third job and it's already going to shit and although I often blame myself for every bad thing that has ever happened to me, even this seems a bit ridiculous. No clue what I've done to warrant being treated like shit and like a burden at work. Like for once I powered through my chronic retardation and tried to force myself to actually put myself out there and actually talk as well as just trying to learn things quickly and never complain but oh boy is it getting difficult. Whilst the work itself can be exhausting, I don't care I love a challenge and feeling like I have a sense of purpose but what I don't love is being made to feel like the most useless person alive by certain shitty managers whom I can't avoid due to my extremely limited availability (basically live somewhere with zero public transport and have to rely on rides). I'd love to just get another job (for what feels like the billionth time at this point) but unfortunately I live in what is pretty much a job desert (significantly worse without a car…gotta love regional areas) but even if it wasn't, who says that job isn't gonna go to shit. I swear wherever I go, people don't like me and I'm just immediately an outcast and honestly there's no point in trying to run away from that anymore…it's time for me to truly accept that due to my god awful childhood (and all the insanely bad developmental consequences + the potential autism thing), I need to self-delete basically to avoid any further suffering. The only future I see for myself at this point is unemployed and in and out of psychiatric wards whilst likely being shit talked by everyone I know and continuing to be the black sheep of the fam or something. Idk I'm just so over it. Idk when I'll disappear but I will soon hopefully. Lie about my whereabouts, get a coach ticket to somewhere remote under a fake name, then disappear forever. I hate feeling like a parasite/burden so leaving this realm of existence forever or something would be really great. I would love to stay alive for certain few people in my life but it's far too painful for me. I need to do this so bad like it's the only way forward like I need to stop cheating fate and just CTB already. My biggest worry however is being sent to a psych ward like those places are godawful…you're made to feel like a criminal just for being suicidal, all of your symptoms basically get dismissed as attention-seeking, none of the staff seem to have a clue about what mental illness really is, forced toxic positivity (and of course if you don't engage, they extend your stay). My last experience left me physically sick (way too many people in one small ward ngl) and traumatised so definitely gonna try to avoid being caught this time. I'm sick of being the mentally ill/unstable person but it's so hard to not be when your childhood consisted of you mainly being beaten and told awful things virtually everyday whilst not being shown any real love. Truthfully I see myself as something to be destroyed. I am forever damaged and will never be like anyone else. My extremely physically and emotionally abusive childhood, prolonged social isolation and long term suicidal ideation mean that I am simply not suited for this world. The only way forward is death.
Was midway through a lovely session of trying to neck myself to freedom last night when I was interrupted and idk I still kinda wish I wasn't but also I'm glad I was. Doing it in a bathroom with no actual letter seems a bit too morbid for my liking. I might try to find someplace remote enough for nobody to find my body, I don't even want it to even be recognised as a suicide. I just want to simply fade to obscurity and cease to exist. It's hard to stay positive when I feel like I'm beginning to regress, especially with how this job has going thus far. Like idek anymore, they say "third time's a charm" but I think I'm just cooked in general honestly…third job and it's already going to shit and although I often blame myself for every bad thing that has ever happened to me, even this seems a bit ridiculous. No clue what I've done to warrant being treated like shit and like a burden at work. Like for once I powered through my chronic retardation and tried to force myself to actually put myself out there and actually talk as well as just trying to learn things quickly and never complain but oh boy is it getting difficult. Whilst the work itself can be exhausting, I don't care I love a challenge and feeling like I have a sense of purpose but what I don't love is being made to feel like the most useless person alive by certain shitty managers whom I can't avoid due to my extremely limited availability (basically live somewhere with zero public transport and have to rely on rides). I'd love to just get another job (for what feels like the billionth time at this point) but unfortunately I live in what is pretty much a job desert (significantly worse without a car…gotta love regional areas) but even if it wasn't, who says that job isn't gonna go to shit. I swear wherever I go, people don't like me and I'm just immediately an outcast and honestly there's no point in trying to run away from that anymore…it's time for me to truly accept that due to my god awful childhood (and all the insanely bad developmental consequences + the potential autism thing), I need to self-delete basically to avoid any further suffering. The only future I see for myself at this point is unemployed and in and out of psychiatric wards whilst likely being shit talked by everyone I know and continuing to be the black sheep of the fam or something. Idk I'm just so over it. Idk when I'll disappear but I will soon hopefully. Lie about my whereabouts, get a coach ticket to somewhere remote under a fake name, then disappear forever. I hate feeling like a parasite/burden so leaving this realm of existence forever or something would be really great. I would love to stay alive for certain few people in my life but it's far too painful for me. I need to do this so bad like it's the only way forward like I need to stop cheating fate and just CTB already. My biggest worry however is being sent to a psych ward like those places are godawful…you're made to feel like a criminal just for being suicidal, all of your symptoms basically get dismissed as attention-seeking, none of the staff seem to have a clue about what mental illness really is, forced toxic positivity (and of course if you don't engage, they extend your stay). My last experience left me physically sick (way too many people in one small ward ngl) and traumatised so definitely gonna try to avoid being caught this time. I'm sick of being the mentally ill/unstable person but it's so hard to not be when your childhood consisted of you mainly being beaten and told awful things virtually everyday whilst not being shown any real love. Truthfully I see myself as something to be destroyed. I am forever damaged and will never be like anyone else. My extremely physically and emotionally abusive childhood, prolonged social isolation and long term suicidal ideation mean that I am simply not suited for this world. The only way forward is death.
