When I was younger up until I moved out which came with more problems than help at this point I don't know I would rather be abused than lose my companion because my dog was the only thing that helped me through everything and right now I'm sleeping in my car with her cause idk what else to do and I'm so fucking stressed I had her since I was like 15 she's part of the only reason why a lot of my suicide attempts failed I believe cause I didnt wanna leave her behind so I subconsciously sabotaged my attempts even though I had 2 that were close and landed me in the hospital for a few days. I just wish I had a different life and I had stability I can't lose her and I don't know what to do and I'm trying everything I even got a factory job even though I have health problems and spine issues just cause it's the highest paying job I can get I don't wanna lose hers I feel like I want to die and all my dreams are failing and I'm so overwhelmed. I don't even know if I can accomplish mh dreams I'm studying to be a therapist and got some certifications cause I want to help people that hurt like I do but I don't even know if I would live long enough to reach that point bc I want to die so fucking bad and I feel so helpless and depressed and there's just so much I don't even know how to explain everything I'm trying so hard but I feel like no matter what I say or do it will never be enough and I plan on beginning self harm again to help cause I don't know what to do.
My bf wants me to put her in a shelter but I don't want to and he told me that she won't be happy with me and it broke my heart cause he said even if I got a house cause I'm working full time she won't be happy bc I won't be there for her enough and I feel so stressed I just want it all to stop I feel like there's no way out and I'm trapped I don't want to lose her and I love her and her not being happy with me or not being with me breaks me cause she's all I had for years and I have a connection with her she's the only thing I had when there was no one and I could hug at night I'm debating trying to go back to my mom and asking her to hold onto her idk if she would or not and idk if it's a good idea cause she abused me and she hates me since I called the cops on my brother cause he was threatening me and stabbing my door and I'm his little sister and he's like 7 years older than me and I'm an adult now but it still scared me and upset me bc I remember when I was in highschool he's choked me out and my mom didn't care and she was mad at me bc that's just what siblings do and it's just normal arguments and she says I shouldn't b upset bc it's just normal sibling stuff and I feel so broken …. Even though both my brothers would hurt me all the time or steal from me cause they wanted to buy heroine I would still try and get them Christmas presents or help them and same with mh mom I would try to make her birthdays and mothers day special but they still kept hurting me everyone in my family and idk why they couldn't just love me I don't know what I did wrong … but no matter what my dogs always loved me and I'm scared and I wanna run away just run away and not know where I'm going cause I'm so scared and live in my car with her idk my plan was that my sister was gonna watch her whenever I was at work and in the day time then at night she would just sleep w me in car and we would cuddle (my sister is on better terms with my dad than I am so she lives with him and would be able to watch my dog for multiple days but she's not allowed to spend the night) and idk I guess I'm also just really upset about what my boyfriend said about how my dogs not going to be happy with me even if I had house bc I work full time 40hrd week. And I thought there was Atleast hope if I put a down payment on a house or got an apartment or something but when he said that it felt like everything vanished everything's gone . I don't know if I want to live or die or if I want to die but I'm to afraid of death or what I might miss like if I hold on would future me be glad I didn't die or would I just regret not killing my self sooner there's no way for me to know and I don't even know if it's what I want at this point but I know I don't want to live if there was a space of existence and no existence that would probs be what I would want to do. I don't know
My bf wants me to put her in a shelter but I don't want to and he told me that she won't be happy with me and it broke my heart cause he said even if I got a house cause I'm working full time she won't be happy bc I won't be there for her enough and I feel so stressed I just want it all to stop I feel like there's no way out and I'm trapped I don't want to lose her and I love her and her not being happy with me or not being with me breaks me cause she's all I had for years and I have a connection with her she's the only thing I had when there was no one and I could hug at night I'm debating trying to go back to my mom and asking her to hold onto her idk if she would or not and idk if it's a good idea cause she abused me and she hates me since I called the cops on my brother cause he was threatening me and stabbing my door and I'm his little sister and he's like 7 years older than me and I'm an adult now but it still scared me and upset me bc I remember when I was in highschool he's choked me out and my mom didn't care and she was mad at me bc that's just what siblings do and it's just normal arguments and she says I shouldn't b upset bc it's just normal sibling stuff and I feel so broken …. Even though both my brothers would hurt me all the time or steal from me cause they wanted to buy heroine I would still try and get them Christmas presents or help them and same with mh mom I would try to make her birthdays and mothers day special but they still kept hurting me everyone in my family and idk why they couldn't just love me I don't know what I did wrong … but no matter what my dogs always loved me and I'm scared and I wanna run away just run away and not know where I'm going cause I'm so scared and live in my car with her idk my plan was that my sister was gonna watch her whenever I was at work and in the day time then at night she would just sleep w me in car and we would cuddle (my sister is on better terms with my dad than I am so she lives with him and would be able to watch my dog for multiple days but she's not allowed to spend the night) and idk I guess I'm also just really upset about what my boyfriend said about how my dogs not going to be happy with me even if I had house bc I work full time 40hrd week. And I thought there was Atleast hope if I put a down payment on a house or got an apartment or something but when he said that it felt like everything vanished everything's gone . I don't know if I want to live or die or if I want to die but I'm to afraid of death or what I might miss like if I hold on would future me be glad I didn't die or would I just regret not killing my self sooner there's no way for me to know and I don't even know if it's what I want at this point but I know I don't want to live if there was a space of existence and no existence that would probs be what I would want to do. I don't know
