Venting The only thing holding me back

[Anxious_Panda]

I've thought about CTB for so long. I've suffered, and I mean suffered with severe depression for about a decade now. Have tried multiple medications that never seem to work or always make things worse, have seen over 12 doctors and psych doctors, multiple counselors, multiple hospital stays ect and I'm just at the point now where I don't care to live. I feel I have so little left to fight for.
The only thing holding me back.. Is my sweet elderly disabled grandmother I live with. If I ever attempted or succeeded in anything, she would be the one to find me. Or whats left of me. She's raised me basically from birth and she's one of the only bright lights I have left. I could never do that to her and put the financial burden of clean up and a funeral on her. I couldn't ever leave her with the burden of finding me, or the questions that always run through everyones mind after a sucicide, note or not.
I've thought about public suicide. But I've never been one for attention and the chances of being saved are too high. I've thought about hotels, but it just never seems like the right thing. If I'm going to CTB, I want to be home, in my own bed, surrounded by my own things of comfort.
I feel like a failure whether I live or die. Either way I'm hurting people I love, through them watching me suffer, or through them knowing I ended it, and leaving all my burdens on them.

 

[FF777]

The only thing holding me back.. Is my sweet elderly disabled grandmother I live with.

How old is she?.. and in what condition?.. Do you think you could wait until she dies naturally before you ctb?..

man i used to care a lot about my family, and I still do to some extent.. But life just keeps bearing down on you relentlessly, and eventually you get so tired and exhausted from the pain of living that you eventually and naturally stop caring as much about living for other people, and are forced to gradually care about your own well-being first..
So I've almost reached the point where I just can't continue living for family.......They will be left to their own devices and deal with my ctb how ever they will.. I will try to make it as easy on them as I can, but I can't keep living in the pain that I am in any longer.. Eventually the pain of life forces you to change your mind about living solely for other people..

 

[Anxious_Panda]

How old is she?.. and in what condition?.. Do you think you could wait until she dies naturally before you ctb?..

man i used to care a lot about my family, and I still do to some extent.. But life just keeps bearing down on you relentlessly, and eventually you get so tired and exhausted from the pain of living that you eventually and naturally stop caring as much about living for other people, and are forced to gradually care about your own well-being first..
So I've almost reached the point where I just can't continue living for family.......They will be left to their own devices and deal with my ctb how ever they will.. I will try to make it as easy on them as I can, but I can't keep living in the pain that I am in any longer.. Eventually the pain of life forces you to change your mind about living solely for other people..

She's in her 60's. Unfortunatly, my mother had me EXTREMELY young. (At age 14) so my whole family is a lot younger than the norm. (Literally, my mom is under 40 years old) As for her disability, its been improving dramatically with some extreme weight loss (about 150 pounds over the last two years, which I'm so insanely proud of her for) She's pretty much raised me as my mother has her own issues shes had to deal with. I keep taking things day by day for her and probably will continue to do so until I just can't anymore.

 

[wendydong1]

my parents are in their 80s and 70s. I am not sure they would survive my suicide.. My suicide would basically kill them emotionally... They are very healthy now... so if I wait for them to die, it may be another 10 years or so... selfishly, i can't take it for another 10 years