G
Graknil
I have SN hidden in a sock drawer for 2 years.
- Dec 17, 2021
- 5
I live in the midwest north dakota to be specific. That means huge stretches of distance between roads and railroad crossings without gates. I stopped on the tracks today. There was no train insight, but I just sat on the tracks and wondered what it would feel like if the train was there. Would I be able to do it, if I decided it was time to CTB. I doubt it. But it is nice to fantasize about a way out. One big crunch and all of my problems are gone. My car is old and crappy not even a loss to auto enthusiasts, bitter chuckle. I have SN it is safely hidden in a duffle bag. I have COVID right now. Even though my respiratory symptoms are not severe I am sure the reduced function plus even any appreciable amount of SN would help me shove off quite well. I want someone to love me. I want to be someones reason to get up in the morning. I promise I was a great husband. We were retired in our 40s before she divorced me. Debt free, I had been reading about emotional validation and love language because I wanted to be a wonderful husband. No I am learning that I had a wife who wasn't. That I have been emotionally abused, gas lit and basically used as a cash cow for years. My self esteem is gone. I guess I was codependant and thought the care I brought to the relationship made me a good man. I don't want to feel this hurt and loneliness anymore. I don't know what feels good or bad I am so lost. I just want to turn to dust and be forgotten.