Venting The moment of truth before the moment of truth

[falloutcarter13]

The time is almost here...I'm about to start getting dressed and I'll be leaving for court in a half an hour. If all goes as I think/hope it will, I will get my trial date today and come back home. Then I'll be able to pick my ctb date and be one step closer to being done with this entire mess called my life.

Thank you to everybody for being so supportive and kind, I know how hard it is to care about someone else's specific worries about their own life when we've all got major shit going on in our own.

Please, god, let things go how I need them to go for just once in my fucking life.

 

[Brick In The Wall]

The time is almost here...I'm about to start getting dressed and I'll be leaving for court in a half an hour. If all goes as I think/hope it will, I will get my trial date today and come back home. Then I'll be able to pick my ctb date and be one step closer to being done with this entire mess called my life.

Please, god, let things go how I need them to go for just once in my fucking life.

I was in a similar position late last year with balancing court and potential CTB. Luckily court went well and I was able to postpone my attempt. I know how scared you probably are right now. I hope everything goes in your favor

 

[Sinai Silence]

Best of luck in court today man, we're all routing for you!

 

[Ulisses]

I hope the court is in your favor. will be all right.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

Best of luck! Do you mind sharing the charges brought? If too insensitive, then never mind.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Best of luck! Do you mind sharing the charges brought? If too insensitive, then never mind.

Long story short, I couldn't stop self medicating with alcohol, and in blackout states I was arrested twice for driving under the influence. I had a previous conviction for this from 5 years ago, and I am facing a 16 year prison sentence. This post pretty much explains it all, if anyone is interested:

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/too-much-to-handle-right-now.44952/

Thank you for your support my friend. It really does matter to me.
I'm sitting outside the courthouse waiting for my name to be called. I am so fucking scared.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Why does this have to take so long? It's just prolonging the agony...this is a metaphor for my whole life. I can't describe the fear I'm feeling right now, I've always been afraid of everything my whole life but this is an entirely new level

 

[SNOB]

16 years for driving under the influence is crazy. American laws are crazy!

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Why does this have to take so long? It's just prolonging the agony...this is a metaphor for my whole life. I can't describe the fear I'm feeling right now, I've always been afraid of everything my whole life but this is an entirely new level

Whatever happens, you'll be able to go home after.
You will always have ctb, whatever happens.
It's still all under your control.
Neither the judge and nor anyone else in that courtroom has any control or power over you. You have all the power.

 

[EraseRewind]

I relate to this situation so well, I spent my whole life self medicating with alcohol and really did go down the pan with behaviours. My court appearance was hard to hear and I narrowly avoided prison, the judge seemed to understand addiction and gave me a chance to work through my issues.

I hope that you also get your chance, it's going to be a tough day and I hope that things go well for you and you can start to rebuild if that is what you want. Either way I wish you the best outcome for you.

 

[Life_and_Death]

literally just DUI? like you didnt do anything while drunk like commit a murder or have an accident?

 

[falloutcarter13]

Thank all of you guys and gals so effing much for your support, you have no idea how much it meant to me sitting outside of the court waiting to be called. It went even better than I expected...I wasn't remanded to jail, the issue of me being out on bond wasn't even brought up. My second biggest worry was a short time before my trial date, but they gave me 10 weeks. So I get to die in October like I was hoping for (and I may even choose to go earlier, if I feel totally ready.) I have all the time I need to settle my affairs, talk to everyone I want to talk to, I get to spend my last days in the house where I grew up with my grandparents who love me, and I get to choose exactly how and when I go. Its literally everything I wanted to happen, I feel incredibly lucky right now. Thanks again, everybody, both for listening and being there for me! I hope I can do the same for all of you in the time I have left ((hugs to all))

literally just DUI? like you didnt do anything while drunk like commit a murder or have an accident?

Nope. Literally just pulled over drunk twice in two days. The first one apparently I was swerving enough to attract a cops attention. The second one, I believe the police just knew I'd been let out of jail and were on the lookout for me (I live in a small town,) I may not have even been doing anything to attract attention. Even though that's profiling and is illegal, the cops around here do whatever they want and the judge backs them up. Its corrupt as fuck, but its also kind of good common sense in most cases lol. The cops here know who the criminals are and they take their job seriously to keep them from hurting innocent people. As much as I hate to admit it, I was being a criminal and I was endangering innocent people. They did the right thing by arresting me, I honestly feel that way.

 

[Life_and_Death]

Nope. Literally just pulled over drunk twice in two days. The first one apparently I was swerving enough to attract a cops attention. The second one, I believe the police just knew I'd been let out of jail and were on the lookout for me (I live in a small town,) I may not have even been doing anything to attract attention. Even though that's profiling and is illegal, the cops around here do whatever they want and the judge backs them up. Its corrupt as fuck, but its also kind of good common sense in most cases lol. The cops here know who the criminals are and they take their job seriously to keep them from hurting innocent people. As much as I hate to admit it, I was being a criminal and I was endangering innocent people. They did the right thing by arresting me, I honestly feel that way.

I can't see you getting any where's close to 16 years. They gave you the worse case scenerio and that's about it.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I can't see you getting any where's close to 16 years. They gave you the worse case scenerio and that's about it.

Yeah, maybe you're right. But that's what I'm facing if I stand trial and am found guilty, and I am guilty as fuck lol. Its actually more of a relief than anything...I've been looking for a way out for over half my life. Now I have every reason to "pull the trigger" so to speak and zero incentive to stick around to see just how much worse this life can get.

 

[GoneGoneGone]

But you wanna ctb bc you don't wanna go to jail? When is the sentencing? Or this was it today?

 

[I screwed up]

Am glad things went your way today ... Guess u can sleep well tonight . cheers ! Bro. What do u prefer single malt ?

 

[falloutcarter13]

But you wanna ctb bc you don't wanna go to jail? When is the sentencing? Or this was it today?

No, I don't want to ctb because of prison time. I've wanted to die for long before this ever happened. Now I just have every reason to do it and no reason to stick around, and its a reason my family will understand, because they're all good citizens who can't even imagine how awful prison is. They'll still be heartbroken but they'll still all say "well, lets be honest...he's in a better place than prison"

Am glad things went your way today ... Guess u can sleep well tonight . cheers ! Bro. What do u prefer single malt ?

I actually hate alcohol, ironically. I don't like the way it makes me feel or act and I don't even like the taste. Its just the only available drug here that can be gotten cheaply and legally, and it made me pass out so I didn't have to think.

 

[whywere]

Very best of luck to you. Hopefully everything works out so you can post pone and have time to think.


happy thoughts your way with a HUGE hug!!

 

[Fedrea]

No, I don't want to ctb because of prison time. I've wanted to die for long before this ever happened. Now I just have every reason to do it and no reason to stick around, and its a reason my family will understand, because they're all good citizens who can't even imagine how awful prison is. They'll still be heartbroken but they'll still all say "well, lets be honest...he's in a better place than prison"

I actually hate alcohol, ironically. I don't like the way it makes me feel or act and I don't even like the taste. Its just the only available drug here that can be gotten cheaply and legally, and it made me pass out so I didn't have to think.

I'm so so sorry. In the brief time you've been on here you just sound so lovely and kind and I'm so sorry it's come to this for you

 

[falloutcarter13]

Thank you so much, that's really, really sweet. I'm so glad I found this site, its so nice to be able to be totally honest with good people and not be judged for it

 

[SNOB]

hope everything works out. i feel for you brother. i got caught shoplifting when I was self medicating and in addiction. when I was waiting for the police to arrive it was the worse feeling ever. there was a chance I could have got remanded and gone to jail because I had gone equipped (apparently) but it all worked out ok in the end and was one of the reasons I cleaned my act up.

if it wasn't for drugs during that period I would have ctb. they saved my life at that time.

sending positive vibes and light x

 

[Meditation guide]

in blackout states I was arrested twice for driving under the influence.

What if you got 2 years? Would you still want to ctb?

 

[falloutcarter13]

What if you got 2 years? Would you still want to ctb?

100%. Even if I somehow got no time at all, I'd still want to ctb.

 

[Life_and_Death]

US criminal justice sucks but 16 years is not the sentence for third DUI without injury to another in any jurisdiction. In the worst states, it's 1-5 years and 1-2 in others. Without other convictions, it's possible for the sentence to be suspended.

Still tbh even 1 year in any southern state prison would be absolutely terrifying.

well here in canada you just go to jail if its under 2 years. idk if its the same in the states but they should have something like that, im just not sure how long the time is before you get moved to an actual prison there though

 

[CarbonMonoxide]

I relate to this situation so well, I spent my whole life self medicating with alcohol and really did go down the pan with behaviours. My court appearance was hard to hear and I narrowly avoided prison, the judge seemed to understand addiction and gave me a chance to work through my issues.

I hope that you also get your chance, it's going to be a tough day and I hope that things go well for you and you can start to rebuild if that is what you want. Either way I wish you the best outcome for you.

Self medication is an epidemic. I'm drunk right now, sitting on the floor listening to my wife and kid breathing in their sleep. I feel so sorry for the op. I've spent nights in police cells before for drunkenness but in my country the corruption levels are sky high. A tiny bribe and they release you in the morning. I can't imagine what court charges must be like. I hope the op finds a way out be it a lenient sentence or a successful ctb attempt.

What if you got 2 years? Would you still want to ctb?

Two years is a hellishly long time to spend surrounded by murderers, rapists, drug addicts and evil prison guards

 

[falloutcarter13]

US criminal justice sucks but 16 years is not the sentence for third DUI without injury to another in any jurisdiction. In the worst states, it's 1-5 years and 1-2 in others. Without other convictions, it's possible for the sentence to be suspended.

Still tbh even 1 year of imprisonment in any southern state would be absolutely terrifying.

Without giving out too much info and possibly revealing my location with it, the compounded nature of the charges make it 16 years as the maximum penalty, which I'd be sure to get based on cases similar to mine. I spoke to the public defender yesterday evening, who brought even worse news...in my case, a non-adjudicated DUI that I plead no contest to when I was sixteen can also be brought to bear, which means I would be looking at a *fourth* dui, which increases the possible sentence to 36 years. I was committed 100% to ctb before I heard that...after I heard it, my commitment level went up to somewhere in the 123407230572039478032740293748% range lol. Its hard to explain that prison is *not* my reason to ctb, I've been planning it and wanting it for half of my life. It just ensures that I cannot back out and absolutely have to succeed this time.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

possible sentence to 36 years.

That's absolutely insane. If someone was hurt, I would understand, but to get that kind of sentence (even if it's a multiple dui) without actually having hurt anyone is crazy.

 

[so tired or manic]

Self medication is an epidemic

the reason liquor stores stayed open here is because the states would lose a drastic amount of money from what they'd collect from the state tax

and of course covid is a reason a lot of people drink.

ahhhh capitalism.

he says, while drinking

 

[Life_and_Death]

Two years is a hellishly long time to spend surrounded by murderers, rapists, drug addicts and evil prison guards

he wouldnt be anywheres near those kinds of people. ok maybe the guards but they are everywhere. they have different prisons for the really bad criminals

 

[so tired or manic]

they have different prisons for the criminally insane too. was in a state mental hospital where the next floor up was for that.

still, any kind of prison is not a good time.