Venting the lowest I've ever been

[lawlietsph]

I am extremely tired. No matter how hard I try, I cannot find a job that I can do from home. I am broke as fuck, my biggest dream is to have new clothes, I barely have any clothes and they are 5+ years old ones.
I am so so so so tired of trying everything they say about "making money online" and all that bullshit. I can never succeed no matter how hard I am trying.
My grandma is in hospital, she looks really bad. My grandpa is sitting next to her, it breaks my heart. I'm not sure if she's ever going to leave that hospital ever again.
My heart is broken by an avoidant, narcissistic fucking asshole man.
I hate people with a passion, I see them and it makes me feel disgusted - all the stupid talk, all the unneccessary shit they care about so much.
I hate people. I truly truly hate them.
Last week I've tried partial hanging but as soon as I start to feel dizzy, I panic and grab something instantly and there it fucking goes.
I cannot tell you how much I hate to be broke. I am 28, a piece of shit. I live in a small village far away from any job opportunities, everyone who works in the cities here are fucking zombies from traveling and their biggest goal in life is to rot in a factory, come home, sleep, repeat. Am I so bad for not wanting this kind of lifestyle?
I am so incredibly tired of all the job searching, applying, phone calls from fucking assholes just to tell me "uhm yeeees, so unfortunately our business requires a lot more experience, but we wish you good luuuuck yeah I am so important and mhmm our company yeaaaah our company mmhmmm the company standards, yeeeahh so I've been a business manager for 15 years noooow ahaaa yeah I am incredibly important here I am so much better than youuu this is business okay, this is the business industry mhmmmm"

I HATE THIS SO FUCKING MUCH. I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF YOUR COMPANIES I DON'T WANT TO WORK FROM 8 TO 4 JUST SO I CAN BUY THE BARE MINIMUM

I told the avoidant guy about trying to end my life. He does not give a single fuck. I told my sister about it. She does not give a fuck. Nobody gives a fuck. I was never loved in my entire life. My mother beat the shit out of me as a child when I didn't understand math homework. She gave me the silent treatment when I did something "bad". She refused to talk to me for 2 or more weeks. She acted like her own child doesn't exist. My narcissistic father was too busy searching for validation from other places.
I am still a 6 year old little girl, my body developed but my brain didn't.
I fucking hate my life, myself and all the people around me. I want it to end, can I please just die so I don't have to suffer through another day please?
Let me die, please it hurts so so so fucking much.
I can't stand another day thinking constantly about money and suicide. This is all I think about. The fucking money and suicide. MAKE IT STOP IT HURTS TOO FUCKING MUCH EVERYTHING HURTS LIKE HELL

 

[whywere]

I cried so darn much reading your story, as no one should ever have to not only have to struggle to such a degree, but to have loved one in the hospital

NOW, I am a stupid person, HOWEVER I was at a company for 29.5 years and was laid off in 48 hours with nothing but a get out. Cold, greedy, yep that is a lot of folks.

BUT there is also, like everyone here on SaSu, folks who love each other, have empathy towards each other and truly want the very nest for each other.

You are a VERY loving and caring soul with so much sensitivity towards others, so wonderful and I am 68, I mention this only because you mentioned that you are 28 and 1005 believe me, I care about you so very much as, I was called "the mistake" by my "parents" and they went way beyond hating me, kicked me out the day after I turned 18, I can understand where you are coming from.

You ARE family to/for me, and I do NOT take it lightly when I say family, as besides this site, I have no family nor friends.

I send you hugs for yourself and your grandmother. I will say a prayer for your grandmother when I retire this evening as we ARE all the same and we ARE all family here. I never speak for the community here when I say that we are family here, but for me and also when I think of others here hurting and in turmoil, then we are ALL family here period.

Walter

 

[lawlietsph]

T

I cried so darn much reading your story, as no one should ever have to not only have to struggle to such a degree, but to have loved one in the hospital

NOW, I am a stupid person, HOWEVER I was at a company for 29.5 years and was laid off in 48 hours with nothing but a get out. Cold, greedy, yep that is a lot of folks.

BUT there is also, like everyone here on SaSu, folks who love each other, have empathy towards each other and truly want the very nest for each other.

You are a VERY loving and caring soul with so much sensitivity towards others, so wonderful and I am 68, I mention this only because you mentioned that you are 28 and 1005 believe me, I care about you so very much as, I was called "the mistake" by my "parents" and they went way beyond hating me, kicked me out the day after I turned 18, I can understand where you are coming from.

You ARE family to/for me, and I do NOT take it lightly when I say family, as besides this site, I have no family nor friends.

I send you hugs for yourself and your grandmother. I will say a prayer for your grandmother when I retire this evening as we ARE all the same and we ARE all family here. I never speak for the community here when I say that we are family here, but for me and also when I think of others here hurting and in turmoil, then we are ALL family here period.

Walter

Thank you so much for the kind words I wish I could get half of the support in real life that I get here sometimes... I would be a very, very different person. I just don't understand why is it so hard for people to love, or at least care to some degree about their child.
Sometimes I see successful people and I envy them like crazy. Most of the time they've had a supporting family/friends/husband/wife/something.
What does it feel like to be loved? To be supported? To be heard? I'll never know. I have to leave this place, because it became unbearable. The pain is unbearable.