Venting The long wait

[DrinkingInHell]

I cant find it in me to ctb while my mother is still alive. She's currently in her 60s and though not in the best health definitely no where close to death(thankfully?). I feel terrible but I sometimes wish everyone in my life would disappear so I could just get this over with. I plan to partially hang myself whenever my mother passes, or do it sooner rather than later if I simply can't stand living anymore. I've been imagining myself die for a while tonight, wishing I could just get up and find a tree outside my house to tie a cord up to. I'm so tired of being alive, atp in time I've only been living for others sake.

 

[ForeverCaHa]

The "thankfully?" very much resonates with me. Do I want my mum to die soon? Of course not. At the same time, she is essentially the only reason I'm not already dead and buried. I have everything I need to CTB in the drawer next to me. I could do it now, but I know how it would devastate her.
That said, she could live another 20 years or more. And that's a long time to stick around when I can barely imagine making it to Christmas.

 

[anonymousperson]

I feel you. My mom is my best friend and I love her more than anyone. I've thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that I would feel too guilty bringing so much pain on her. I know she would blame herself and not understand it was what I wanted or see it as good thing. So I will wait. My mom is in her 70s so even less time. It will probably be very easy then as I will be shattered since she is my everything.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

If your mom is still around and you can't bring yourself to ctb because of her needing you and/or because you don't want to hurt her, then you just don't and you wait your turn. You reach down deep inside yourself and find the strength to "soldier on" until your time comes. People who ctb reach a point where they just don't care, where the pain they feel outweighs any their death may cause others. Your own words say you're not at that place.

 

[FuneralCry]

I really understand feeling so tired of it all, I just wish to be free from all the suffering as well, to not exist is all I personally hope for. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[DrinkingInHell]

I feel you. My mom is my best friend and I love her more than anyone. I've thought long and hard and came to the conclusion that I would feel too guilty bringing so much pain on her. I know she would blame herself and not understand it was what I wanted or see it as good thing. So I will wait. My mom is in her 70s so even less time. It will probably be very easy then as I will be shattered since she is my everything.

I can relate very much to this. My mom is also my best friend. She knows everything about me and my life even into my adulthood. I feel like losing her would shatter me too. Hoping the best for you and your mom. Glad you have a good relationship with her

The "thankfully?" very much resonates with me. Do I want my mum to die soon? Of course not. At the same time, she is essentially the only reason I'm not already dead and buried. I have everything I need to CTB in the drawer next to me. I could do it now, but I know how it would devastate her.
That said, she could live another 20 years or more. And that's a long time to stick around when I can barely imagine making it to Christmas.

This is exactly how I feel! I of course do not ever want my mom to die or anyone in my life, but the fact that they're all im sticking around for is conflicting.

If your mom is still around and you can't bring yourself to ctb because of her needing you and/or because you don't want to hurt her, then you just don't and you wait your turn. You reach down deep inside yourself and find the strength to "soldier on" until your time comes. People who ctb reach a point where they just don't care, where the pain they feel outweighs any their death may cause others. Your own words say you're not at that place.

You're right. That honestly made me self reflect a bit and where I am in my mental state currently and how I really feel about my urges to ctb. Thank you for the reply.