Venting The Loneliness

[RedEther]

I think I would be used to it by now, but Its been hitting me really hard lately. Especially since Iv made this decision. Iv pushed everyone away in fear of hurting them and for the fear of sabotage. The one person I knew I could trust is breaking down so Iv had to lie to destress them. Every morning I wake up the weight of how alone i am in this crushes me immediately. I hate that I cant talk to anyone with out them stressing out or wanting to lock me away. Im running out of edibles to numb the pain but once I run out Idk what Ill do. I start thinking about when Ill finally find my ticket and how ill be alone with no connection.
I try the hotline to talk to someone whenever the loneliness gets over whelming, but having to reexplain everything over and over again get so frustrating, especially in the same day. All they really do is give you links to things and send you on your way.
I honestly need someone to talk to. People who understand. Its hard since i know none can be there for me 24/7 and the feeling of being a burden kicks in.

IDk I suck at explaining my points though text. I have one of those phone apps with throw away numbers, is it in the rules to share it?

 

[Chiisai]

I think I would be used to it by now, but Its been hitting me really hard lately. Especially since Iv made this decision. Iv pushed everyone away in fear of hurting them and for the fear of sabotage. The one person I knew I could trust is breaking down so Iv had to lie to destress them. Every morning I wake up the weight of how alone i am in this crushes me immediately. I hate that I cant talk to anyone with out them stressing out or wanting to lock me away. Im running out of edibles to numb the pain but once I run out Idk what Ill do. I start thinking about when Ill finally find my ticket and how ill be alone with no connection.
I try the hotline to talk to someone whenever the loneliness gets over whelming, but having to reexplain everything over and over again get so frustrating, especially in the same day. All they really do is give you links to things and send you on your way.
I honestly need someone to talk to. People who understand. Its hard since i know none can be there for me 24/7 and the feeling of being a burden kicks in.

IDk I suck at explaining my points though text. I have one of those phone apps with throw away numbers, is it in the rules to share it?

I feel you. Having no one to open up to makes me feel so down its like my heart is going to explode. I preoccupy myself with this forum instead. As for sharing personal info, I believe it was stated in the rules. However, members here can communicate through PM's and, I believe, from there settle on some agreements and/or better means of communication.

 

[RedEther]

You right. I guess Il just keep PMs open.

My dyslexia makes it terribly difficult to type out how what im trying to get across, especially when its about something as tough as why I want to ctb. Iv managed to make up for it by working on my articulation, hence the Spoof number. I come off incredibly differently and so much easier to get thoughts out with voice. Makes texing and message boreds hard T_T.

 

[Chiisai]

You right. I guess Il just keep PMs open.

My dyslexia makes it terribly difficult to type out how what im trying to get across, especially when its about something as tough as why I want to ctb. Iv managed to make up for it by working on my articulation, hence the Spoof number. I come off incredibly differently and so much easier to get thoughts out with voice. Makes texing and message boreds hard T_T.

I feel you. We all have our own preferences of communication. Though mine's the opposite. I prefer to be able to read messages because Im hearing impaired from being exposed to loud exhausts. Haha

 

[RedEther]

I feel you. We all have our own preferences of communication. Though mine's the opposite. I prefer to be able to read messages because Im hearing impaired from being exposed to loud exhausts. Haha

That remind me of my friend I used to chat with on discord that never talked. She would always text while everyone would talk. I miss her alot, but ya know... tiz how it is now

 

[Chiisai]

That remind me of my friend I used to chat with on discord that never talked. She would always text while everyone would talk. I miss her alot, but ya know... tiz how it is now

I see. If you really wish for someone to talk to, there's a chat feature here in this forum. Maybe you can ask there for someone to call with?

 

[RedEther]

I see. If you really wish for someone to talk to, there's a chat feature here in this forum. Maybe you can ask there for someone to call with?

I dint want to interrupt conversations and seem needy so I made this thread on the side. Im sure there's at least a few people that would like a person to personally vent to

 

[RedEther]

Been Doing non stop research and searching and it seems like SN is the most logical method. If By any slim chance I don't want to ctb, I can keep the tickets around just in case I wanna take a ride. So far the maid issue is finding the ingredients. Mostly Metro. I might have found a websight, but the payment method was...unconventional, leaving me skeptical if it'll go though. Finding sn on AMz seems ez enough, but I can only hope the description is true.

I also dont sleep much so if anyones up for Pms while i chill on my couch waiting to ctb, please indulge me

 

[rosie93]

I feel alone all my life but it's my doing mostly. I don't let people come to close. When I do, they use me. I'm in hell.

 

[RedEther]

(I guess this will be my diary as I dont really have another outlet)
A friend came over In hopes of her presents being help. I appreciate her doing that instead of calling the hospital. Of all my years, of suffering though this she's the only one to try this. To be fair, she the only one who works at home and can just bring a laptop with her.

I hate Admitting it, but a guy breaking up with me was the final straw. He is not the reason I will be ctb, but the straw that broke the camels back. The person I thought would have faith In me and turned his back. It hurt more than anything because I gave him no reason to, really did my best. This has happned to me so many times that I just cant anymore. Being generalized as a welfare queen not trying to make anything of her self eats at you when those same people do everything they can to go out of their way to find excuses to not help you and make it your fault.

I would love for things to go back to how it was right before he was confined I he was better without me. We where actually very happy. I know he doesn't truly believe all the things his friends bombard him with, but theres nothing I can do to defend myself. All i can do is hope he breaks though his hatred for confrontation work with me. and We had alot of plans. I dream of him calling me up and wanting to work things out and making all of this pointless...
but that's just a dream and I know it.

It will take a long While for Metro to get here (or find out if its a scam) until then I have friends messaging if Im ok, tiring to fit in to this new life where pain has returned. Whenever its 8 I wonder if he winding down and at 9 if he remembers to go to bed on time to not be tired in the morning cause I know I was the only one who cared to remind him. Thing reminding me of him and of times when I was happier. Im sure the pain would numb with time (as it always does) but going though this cycle so many times I cant do it again. I could have a million dolor's coming in a few months, and I dont think I could last

 

[RedEther]

I just got back from the store with Antacid. Sn Should be here Thursday, and just got Charged and an Email for Meto. If non of the orders was a scam I should have everything I need in at most 2 weeks. All the dramatic stuff should figure it self should figure it self out by then. IDK how things will go with in 2 weeks, but its a bit soothing to have a plan Z on the back burner. Its like being trapped in a cage but holding on to a key.

All the time in-between is very stressful. Waiting for the stuff to come in the mail, waiting for the conversation the guy promised hell call to have. Im just sitting here numbing in limbo waiting for all these answers, As though its a race for my life and non of the contenders know it. For now I just scroll here and watch videos and play videos to distract my mind until at least one of the choices are made 100% clear. Ether way having a SN as a safety net is reassuring.

 

[RedEther]

I got SN In the Mail. I now Have everything but Metro.

My anxiety got the best of me and I ended up finding a physic to talk to. She basically reaffirmed what I already knew, needed to do, but was getting really antsy about. I need to wait. Not only until I get everything I need to ctb correctly if I chose to, but get any regrets out of the way just incase. That includes communication with my ex. I have to hear what he has to say and decide weather or not if its worth the Bs. I want nothing more than just to go "fuck it!" and just down the SN now, even if its just for science if it doesn't work, but I know I wish for happiness more than death. I may just have to be patient. And if everything fails the SN with always be there.

The loneliness its what has been making me antsy. I want to talk to my friends. The people that has known me for years. That understand my situation, but I know if i do itll hurt them and halt my chances. Its just been me and youtube for a while. I have tried to talk to people from the sight, my therapist, its not the same. When i do try to talk to my friends and leave out SS I feel like Im going to burst if i dont get the thoughts and feelings out. When i do, they break down and try to get me to change my mind and i end up pretending to be ok to make them feel better. Regardless of what ends up happning, it will be over soon...hopefully

 

[RazzleDazzle]

The loneliness is something inside of me. It's... There are probably people who I could talk to, but they don't have any way of understanding what I'm going through and what it's like living like this. It's worse having to talk to people but holding things in. My brain is just broken. I'm a broken person. I'm so tired of trying to keep going and trying to get better.

And I know that I'm pushing people away because I don't want to hurt them. It's easier this way.

 

[FuneralCry]

Loneliness is a painful feeling and it can send many of us into despair. I'm sorry you are suffering. I hope you find the peace you are looking for.

 

[RedEther]

At the beginning all I wanted was for things to go back to the way they were. I know now that I was only masking how I was truly feeling, hoping it would eventually fade away. It has grown so much now that I can never go back. Ether things will have to be truly good or I will die as soon as I get metro. Things will not be good for me.

I almost cracked today and just SN on its own. I would have just kept drinking until it took even if I puked, just to stop the pain. I caved and called a friend to calm me down. The realization that everything I was doing up until this point was creating an illusion, and doing everything I could to keep it from breaking. If i could just pretend that things wernt as bad as it really was, I could move forward. No matter what I do now, I cant pretend anymore. The illusion is broken, and I can see though everything. The constant reminders of how things are, The cockroaches, the screaming neighbors on drugs, constant noise outside my window making it impossible to sleep,the lack of food...all keep me planted in reality. Knowing the only way to escape this kind of life, is death. I am very tired. I don't know how much longer I can last

 

[RedEther]

I think that scares me more than anything, more than dieing, is being unable to die. All this time alone has left me with nothing but thinking up scenarios in my head, preparing myself to cope with each one. Good or bad, the thing that keeps me from being in a constant state of crying and anxiety is knowing that I wont have to live with it long. But if it dosnt work, if something stops me, I have to live with this, it would be hell.

Iv been just staring at my cup of SN wondering why Im bothering waiting. I can just drink it now. Drink as much as I need. There is no possible good outcome of any of this. It happens again and again and its always terrible. I try to think of positive outcomes and I have nothing. But still I sit here waiting, crying. I dont know what this hope is, but its keeping me from remaining numb to everything. I know I cant trust anyone. I will be hurt again. Abandoned again, betrayed again. but the small part of me is still reaching out wanting to be saved. I need to snuff that part of me out. Im so deep now that itll take so much more than anyone is emotionally capable of dragging me out, and im no longer willing to climb.

Iv started cleaning and packing everything. Iv labeled a box just incase i dont make it to the post office on my own in hopes it gets mailed on my behalf. Iam not afraid to die and have accepted my death years ago. I cry because of the unfairness of it all. I worked for happiness I deserve it, but now Im here preparing for my death while worse people are living peaceful for filling lives. Those who have lead me to this dont even have me in a single brain cell, let alone care that my life will be gone in about a week. Even if they did know, they wouldn't regret it. If anything they would probably dubble down. Nothing puts people against you like the news of you being ss. You know the usual shit "shes probably doing it for attention" or some shit...or worse, Im being stuck with because Im ss...

I just want the metro to get here to end all this anxiety. Decades of built up pain have led to this and I need an end

 

[RedEther]

Iv been waking with panic attacks, realizing its A dream and snapping awake. This time was the worst
I woke in another bed thinking this reality was nightmare. He was there to comfort me. Confirming it was all just a dream and holding me to remind me the pain was over,promising me a future of happiness. I held him close promising the nightmare would never become reality.
I was suddenly jolted awake and broke down. Still having the feelings of him in my harms and hair in my hands
I had just accepted every thing. Emotionally numb to it all. Ready to let it all go and this happens. Having me clinging on to a unattainable dream.
I don't understand why I'm being punished.

The more I wait the more I suffer