Venting The light at the end?

[SterileMoth]

Hi, this is my first post here. I frequented this website when I was younger, when I first began feeling depressed. I had forgotten about it until I ran across it the other night while researching methods. Now I can actually post! Wooh. 7 years later and I'm back ... but things get better, right?
Well, I'm done. I'm tired. I've been planning on ctb for over a month now. I was thinking about it before my fiance left me. Then he left. Which just made it worse. Honestly, he was not good, he was very manipulative and psychologically abusive. I made excuses and was ignorant to it for a long time, then as soon as he broke up with me my family and friends decided to be more upfront about how they felt. The majority of them never liked him, thought he was an asshole, that it was one sided, and that I could do better. Now don't get me wrong, and don't drag my friends for not speaking up, a lot of them did. They didn't say it as directly while I was with him, they tried to gently show me, but they weren't silent about it. All my good friends weren't anyways, the ones who only SUDDENLY had the revelation that he treated me badly after we broke up, I have dropped. I can look back at the relationship and see the bad now, see how bad it really was, see all the empty promises he made.

Anyways, back to the point. My fiance left me. He was bad. I should be happier, right? I should feel like there's a weight off my shoulders. I should be looking forward to a brighter future without someone who disregarded my needs, my dreams, and frequently ignored me and used me. The only hope I had though, was the future I had agreed to build with him. Really, I had almost no life goals or dreams for the future, the only one I had was quickly squashed by my ex-fiance. At least I was with someone I loved though. It didn't matter that my one life goal would never happen. At least I could build a life with him, and maybe, maybe one day I would be satisfied with my life. It was like the last strand on a rope. I had no other reasons to continue, but I didn't want to leave him like that. I would keep fighting so that I could have a future with him, so that he would be happy, so I wouldn't be more of a burden than I already am, because he chose me. Me, with my depression, with my insecurities, with my self destructive tendencies and impulses, all my baggage, ALL my anxieties ... and he proposed to me! His friends all told me they had never seen him happier. I had something I thought was good. Someone I loved to wake up beside. Someone who's arms felt like home. Someone who could instantly calm me down with just a hug. It's hard to remember all the bad because he was my last hope. It was good enough.
He was also the last partner my Grandma met before she passed away, she knew we were engaged ... that meant something. That's gone now. In hindsight, maybe she would be happy. I think he reminded her of my grandfather, who was also abusive, whom she stayed with till death because that was the promise she made, even though he frequently told her he wished he never married her, among worse things. I don't know though. I'll never get to know now. She was important to me, I wish I could talk to her about this. All I have is my cat, my friends, and my immediate family, but I know that they will all be okay. They have other people, better people, that will look out for them. Right now all I'm doing is prolonging suffering. I don't know if things will get better, people constantly say that, but it's been years. Nothing has gotten better. Therapy helps temporarily, medication doesn't seem to be enough, seeing my friends is cool and all, but at the end of the day I still lay in bed and daydream about shoving a metal rod through my skull. I have no reason to be here other than sparing the feelings of those who care for me. I'm not sure that's enough. Honestly, last night, I decided definitively that I would ctb as soon as possible, and I've felt so much better since. Cried because I still miss my ex-fiance, but not as much as before, because it will be over soon. The suffering will end. I can finally rest. I'm trying to act normal, make plans, go out. If I seem normal, then no one will know to worry, no one will think to check. The only person who might is an online friend that's on the opposite side of the planet, they cannot do much when I decide to go. I'm just so tired of fighting, this is all bittersweet. I'm actually smiling right now. It will end. I just regret that it will hurt those around me. They don't really understand though ... they tell me things will get better, they don't want to lose me, that I just need to give it time. "Day by day, moment by moment." Well, I've given it time, I've waited, I've tried medication and therapy and going out everyday and staying home to look after myself and picking up hobbies and exercise and going to the hospital and meditation and distraction after distraction. It's just not getting better. It isn't even about me anymore, it's about them and what they want.

Life is a long, dark tunnel. I've been trying to see the light at the end for years now, and it just never comes. No matter what I do. No matter what changes I try to make. No matter how much effort I put into something. I land right back on my ass. There is no point. There is nothing to keep fighting for. Things won't get better, and I've lost the only thing I thought was worth sticking around for. I can't wait to finally have some peace, it's the only reason I've not ctb yet; because I have to get it right. Maybe that's the real light at the end of the tunnel, I finally feel a little relief with the knowledge that I will be leaving.

 

[Soulless Angel]

7 yrs later and you are back, I thought this forum was only a couple of years old? Unless it was on a different site previously?

as for light at the end of whatever, is life really a tunnel or is it simply a wonky journey on a forever changing path? Up's, down's, mistakes, and lessons learnd.

I am sorry you feel the way you do, it can't be easy, Can I ask what was your life goal? Have you thought about going back there, trying again?

 

[SterileMoth]

7 yrs later and you are back, I thought this forum was only a couple of years old? Unless it was on a different site previously?

as for light at the end of whatever, is life really a tunnel or is it simply a wonky journey on a forever changing path? Up's, down's, mistakes, and lessons learnd.

I am sorry you feel the way you do, it can't be easy, Can I ask what was your life goal? Have you thought about going back there, trying again?

It might have been more recently than 7 years. From a quick Google search it sounds like there was an old subreddit of the same name that started up in 2016 and got shut down, may have been that I was thinking of that or a totally different website, the name sounds familiar though.

I wanted to move to an island on the west coast, my ex was very against it because it "cost more" and would have "less work available". The cost is roughly the same as where I currently live, some aspects such as public transit are even cheaper, so that part was bs. Not sure about work availability, although every time I've visited many stores had help wanted signs out. The issue I have with moving there now is that I would be going alone, and do not have any friends or family there. I'm not an extrovert and tend to be rather shy so I'm not sure I'd be able to meet anyone there, and would most likely end up isolated and alone. My ex was more extroverted, I had hoped that if we went together that I'd have an easier time meeting people because he'd push me to go out and I generally felt more comfortable around him in new social situations. Not sure it is something I could accomplish financially by myself either.

 

[SterileMoth]

I've decided I will just use this thread for further vent posts, rather than creating a new Thread each time.

I met some cool people today, I was really awkward though. Every time there was an awkward silence I'd start rambling. I was also a little baked going in though. I'm supposed to meet another friend next week that I've really only texted and never met in person, and an old middle school friend during the week. If only they knew. I wont be here long. I'm sort of tempted to just ghost them, they'll be better off not getting involved. It was still nice though, it reminded me of when I was in high school. Getting picked up after not sleeping at all with just 20 minutes notice. I miss those days. I miss the time before my ex. Things were better then, I had gained some confidence and was going out a lot more and made more friends because I wasn't scared to talk to new people. It was a good 3 months of it. I was heavily abusing substances too though ... drank throughout the day most days. I don't want to glorify a time of my life that I really only got through because of substance abuse. Anyways, I've started doing this thing where I tense my neck muscles and turn my head when I'm distressed, I'm not sure why. It just started. It's not a tic because it isn't fast and repetitive, but it's uncomfortable, and new. I never used to get so upset that my muscles would just ... contort. Earlier I think I lost a bit of time too, I was watching netflix and then suddenly I was holding and petting my cat. It was like my brain disconnected but my body kept running. It was really startling and weird to realize I had been petting (albeit a bit aggressively and haphazardly) my cat, that wasn't there as far as I knew, but then just was there. About an hour earlier I sent my friend a text that read "It's because they're trying to kill you" and it was like I didn't even write it. I looked at it a minute later and had no clue why I said it or what I meant. It wasn't relevant to the conversation at all. It's hard to explain ... I feel like it doesn't really make sense. How do you just ... not know your cat is on you and that you're petting it, or send a text like that without being aware of it.

I think I'm in denial about my break-up too, and I'm sure some people would call me delusional. Sometimes I really think I'm just in a bad dream, that I will wake up and he will be there and I will still have my one last hope to cling to. That none of this is real. I've de-realized before, but this feels different ... I'm convinced of it sometimes. It's shattering to realize that this is reality, this is where I live. Other times I'm have this idiotic hope that he is going to realize what he lost, and come back. I know he wont, he's probably a narcissist and I've served my purpose to him, I started sticking up for myself and he left. Simple. It sucks. I am better off, I just wish it felt like that. From where I'm standing, I wanted to kill myself but had no plans to follow through yet, and now all I want to do is follow through. It doesn't feel any better at all. I want to hate him but I also don't want to lose him, even though I already have, even though I should cut contact completely, even though it will kill me to see him move on. I hope that I'm gone before that point. I don't even care about anything else anymore. All the pictures he's posted of himself since the breakup don't look happy. There's pictures I took of him where he is really smiling, and he doesn't look happy in these new ones. I've had basically every male friend hit on me in the past month, and obviously the guys who met me briefly and also tend towards heavy manipulation hit me up as SOON as the breakup happened. I'm so sick of this. I'm not interested in anyone except him, I don't want stupid ass hookups with no feeling in them. I don't want to go out and try at this shit again. Everyone keeps saying it will get better and I'll find someone, but I don't want to find someone, I don't even want to live. I just want this to end, and I want to be treated like a person. Everyone is only in it for their personal gain.

I'm just so tired of trying, I really thought that I had a solid plan forming. I had figured out how I would pay for SN, and was working on finding a reputable website and deciding where I wanted to do it. Then I found out that it is basically illegal here and will be incredibly difficult to obtain. I found a place that sells curing salts, but it's only 7% SN so it looks like I'm screwed. I have very few options now, none that are known for being relatively pain free and successful. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't fucking know what to do. I'm stuck. I'm stuck I'm trapped I don't know what to do. I've been putting on this facade the past few days, trying to seem like I'm okay, trying to go out, trying to keep people from worrying too much. It's so hard. It's so tiring. I've let slip that I plan to ctb to more people than I intended. I don't think any of them are too concerned. I'm not sure. I just wish I had some way to leave, I wish I could just choose to stop and that my body would follow suit. I've contemplated burning myself several times today and still haven't gotten around to it. I also only slept for 4 hours aaand now it's 4 A.M. and I'm still awake. We're doing GREAT though. I'm really living it up. Really loving life. It's all just fucking fantastic. GOD, why does this gotta be so complicated. I'm so TIRED OF THIS. I don't even know what to say anymore. I want to die, there's no point in sticking around anymore. Nothing gets better, the most consistent thing in my life is my depression, self harm, and suicidal ideation. I can always count on the fact that no matter how "good" a day was, I won't want to breathe by the end of it. I don't know what to do with all this self destructive energy, I sit and it's like I'm boiling from the inside out. I want to scream, I want to throw things and hit stuff and destroy absolutely everything around me. I want to down a bottle of pills. I can't though, I can't throw a fit as an adult, I can't worry anyone, and I can't risk coming out the other side unsuccessful. So I just have to sit and simmer and wait till the time is right. It's getting worse every day though. Every day I want to end it more, I want to be reckless, I want to do something to stop all this pain. I have nothing to hope for. I'm acting like a totally different person. Everything feels wrong.

It feels like things are getting worse, at least some of them. I feel more and more like this isn't real, not in a "Logically I know this is real it just FEELS like it isn't real" kind of way, in a I really don't think this is reality and when I finally come back and realize it is, it hurts even more all over again. I've also been disconnecting more, autopilot, not really aware of what I'm doing or what's going on around me and having little to no memory of what happened. The muscle tensing and writhing, the urge to ctb, panic attacks so bad that it feels like my vision is going black. Everything. I don't even know if all these symptoms are negative side effects of my new medication, or side effects of everything that's happened in the past month. They ended up coinciding with each other. I hate feeling all of this, I desperately want to leave. I don't know what to do anymore. I just want this to end.

 

[SterileMoth]

I've just taken some sleep medication so this might get messy.

I think I've been doing okay the past few days, I signed up for some mental health thing about a month ago where you're supposed to do activities to help cope better, but I haven't done any. Anyways, it has a bi-weekly/monthly reassessment thing, and I scored higher this time than last time (Higher score = better) although it was only by a bit. Still not sure if the change is because I acknowledged that I am going to ctb eventually or if it's unrelated. I know as soon as I decided I felt better to a degree though.
Today I went to IKEA and saw a friend for a bit, just smoked weed and talked, which was nice. He offered me a cigarette and I actually didn't want one this time. So, that makes me feel like maybe I'm a bit better too. My ex and I chatted today just over text as well, it was nice but weird ... we talked a bit about the breakup, he said he needs to change for the better but he doesn't want it to just be because of me, and he thinks if he's with me then there won't be change. I don't know why there couldn't be change while we're together, it sounds sort of bullshit. The way he phrased some things makes me wonder if he still wants to be with me though. Issue: He may be a narcissist, that's what the general agreement has been between people on here and people I know in real life. I don't know if I can trust anything. He didn't say he wanted to get back together, and he did say he didn't want to lean on me so heavily, so I don't know. I told him if there's change while we're together, that doesn't necessarily mean it's going to end badly, and he said that the change has to happen first. Both the "Change has to happen first" and "I don't want to lean on you so much all the time" made me wonder if I'm still in his mind ... I mean he said specifically me, not that he just want's to be more independent and not lean on anyone, me. THEN he said change has to happen before we can be together. I don't know.
Most of the conversation was just chatting, he teased me a bit, I don't know if it felt like flirting or if I just hope it does since I still have feelings. So far I've been right. Every time I think someone is flirting or has feelings for me, it eventually comes out that they do or that they used to. He asked if I'd like to go biking on the weekends. Not sure if I can. It'll hurt to see his stupid face and not give him a hug. Also not sure why he asked me, unless I'm the only one who would be available. Whatever, it's stupid. I read too much into things, and I'm attached. I can't give an unbiased view.
I did a tarot reading (Judge me, whatever. I'll take comfort where I can get it.) and it basically told me that if me and my ex get back together, that there won't be compromise OR there will be abuse of power. That the ideal outcome would be a happy partnership. Another card said "You're obsessing over things you can't control". Which all sound ... pretty accurate. I asked if I should stop loving him, and got a card that was about recovery and self healing, so I'm not sure what that means. Feels like the spiritual version of "Don't worry, things will get better." Last time the cards were right though, they said that the relationship would work AS LONG as there was increased communication. There wasn't. It ended. I don't care if it's real magick or just my subconscious picking and choosing what meaning feels right, it still tells me something either way, even if it's something I don't want to hear and have intentionally ignored within myself. It's better than nothing.

The way time's moving feels very odd, the past week has felt like ages ... the past month has felt like several. June was probably my worst month for a long time. I've taken up burning myself, I don't have anything sharp right now but I have lighters, I used to smoke cigarettes and now I smoke weed. They're accessible, and I have quite a few laying around. I think I gave myself a second degree burn last night, the skin was white and shiny, which fits the descriptions online. It's obviously blistered too. I was drunk and didn't really care so I guess I heated up the metal for longer. It was nice, although burning always makes me flinch/twitch. I don't do that with cutting, but the pain is different. Someone described burning as a short, painful, orgasm, and I think that is a pretty accurate statement. At least it's something to keep me from going crazy. It all feels so heavy, so often. I get so overwhelmed by it all. The uncertainty of everything, the current state of the world, the fact that really I can't control anything. The only two certainties are life and death, everything else in between is just chance. Like seeing my middle school friend. That's weird. That was not expected. I still want to ctb all these years later, except now I have a nicotine addiction and less fucks to give. I feel like I'm the disappointment of my Private Christian Middle School, and her mom happens to be staffed there ... can't wait for the judgement. So, might go really awkwardly! I will need an escape plan handy, just in case it's really uncomfortable. Who knows.