Venting The lie that sealed my fate

[Giraffey]

As those who saw my recent thread will know, the main reason I have not CTB up until this point is my ongoing friendship and close relationship with my ex-partner; whom I have been helping to recover from a mental health crisis. Throughout that time I have lived in hope that whilst my help to her is unconditional, it might eventually lead to reconciliation.

A couple of weeks ago I suffered some mild symptoms related to an ongoing condition. I don't know what possessed me to do it, but I lied to her and told her that I had been in hospital again. I was desperate for her sympathy and affection, and whilst it was most unlike me to lie - I did. But not just that, I maintained the sporadically for the next two weeks.

She confronted me about it this morning, my entire world collapsed. My last remaining reason not to CTB is now teetering on the very edge of cutting me out of her life and I find myself, not relieved or hopeful as I should be given the now substantial simplification of the life vs death equation, but devastated that the very last, the faintest sparkle of hope I had in my life has been extinguished.

I burned down the castle because I wasn't allowed in the King's Quarters'.

This may be cliche to say, but it's true - I deserve to die.

 

[Huntfish34]

My goodness, I am very sorry to hear that has all happened to you. I think you still Deserve to live, everyone makes mistakes. Im also not in your situation so Idk.. Best wishes to you regardless, hope you find peace.

 

[Giraffey]

My goodness, I am very sorry to hear that has all happened to you. I think you still Deserve to live, everyone makes mistakes. Im also not in your situation so Idk.. Best wishes to you regardless, hope you find peace.

Thank you Huntfish, I appreciate those kind words and sentiment. I feel particularly egregious about what might otherwise be brushed off as a stupid, impulsive and immature mistake because my abusive ex-partner used to invent fake illnesses all the time to get attention from people (including me). She tricked an ex-boyfriend into thinking she had cancer and he was guiding her into remission, she claimed to me that she was terminally ill at one point.

So although I never said anything as serious as that, I feel that I've become just as bad as her, inventing an illness ostensibly for attention, or because of a lack of nurture... I'm feeling disgusted in myself :(

 

[Lostandfound7]

Hey love..Lemme get this correct: So the ex you lied to is the same one who lied to her ex? If she did the same thing (actually worse), how in the HELL could she judge u for lying to her for the same reason, attention!!???

On the other hand, if ur just more condemning yourself, try to forgive YOU. We ALL make mistakes. Ur lie was a desperate attempt to get the attention of someone u love..Totally understandable. Don't beat yourself up too much over it..

It would b totally hypocritical of her to NOT forgive u for something that she herself has done in the past..

*EDIT: This is my PG-13 version of what I really wanna say to u about her..

 

[Giraffey]

Hey love..Lemme get this correct: So the ex you lied to is the same one who lied to her ex? If she did the same thing (actually worse), how in the HELL could she judge u for lying to her for the same reason, attention!!???

On the other hand, if ur just more condemning yourself, try to forgive YOU. We ALL make mistakes. Ur lie was a desperate attempt to get the attention of someone u love..Totally understandable. Don't beat yourself up too much over it..

It would b totally hypocritical of her to NOT forgive u for something that she herself has done in the past..

*EDIT: This is my PG-13 version of what I really wanna say to u about her..

I managed to make a grammatical clusterfuck of that post didn't I, (a fustercluck if we're PG-13...). Let's call the two exes Lil and Lol - because for some confusingly obscure reason I can't think of two actual names to use instead. Lil was the abusive one - the one who lied to her ex, and to me; and who made a sport of beating the shit out of me. Of course, she needed daily practice to hone her abuse of me just like any dedicated athlete.

Lol is the nice ex, the lovely one and the ex who I lied to, or rather exaggerated the truth - because I have been quite ill, but I made out to her that it was worse than it was and said I was in the hospital on one occasion when I wasn't - it was pathetic, I was pathetic.

...And so, I managed to burn down what little relationship I had left with Lol (the nice one), act as sickeningly manipulative as Lil (the abusive one) did to me on many occasions; and in the process, I burnt up my last remaining reason to be alive.

My self-loathing is second to none today.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@SlowMo, standing outside of this situation, I see something very interesting.

First, I acknowledge your self-awareness. Your helping her does not come with strings, but there is a hope attached. Perhaps without that hope, you would have helped her anyway.

Then there is the error in judgment, a manipulation to get your needs/wants met when a more direct request either did not garner the desired results, or for some reason you felt that a direct request would not garner results. So you took a gamble. Had the gamble paid off, would you be suffering such a degree of self-recrimination? Would you be operating under a belief that the ends justified the means? And are you experiencing a hyperbolic response in your hindsight because the result has such a significant backfire?

What I find most intersting is how this relates to your post in recovery. If she is considering cutting you out of her life because of this incident, cutting out you who is standing between her and a steamroller of a boulder, then she is capable of dealing with the boulder in her life and will find other ways to confront or avoid it. She is capable, and you cannot control if she connects with that capability or not. King Sisyphus can take a break and let her manage her own boulders as she sees fit, as is her right and responsibility, and as is her challenge, not yours. (If you're interested, see this analogy. Perhaps she actually needs the problem if she is to heal and become capable, autonomous.)

So now it seems to me, and of course this is from my limited perspective, that a challenge has arisen. She was one of your reasons for staying alive. Her problems gave you purpose and motivation. Hope that she would renew the romantic relationship also gave purpose and motivation. If ctb is your authentic desire, then you are more free to pursue it. If it is not, then there needs to be a different purpose and motivation, which, ideally (imo) would be self-focused rather than other-focused. All that attention, capability and great power that you focus on others for their benefit and well-being is something you are worthy of. They are resources that could greatly benefit you, if you desire them. (The linked analogy speaks to this as well.)

While it may feel right now as if, say, you wilfully blew up something you cherished, I think it's also possible, when the dust dies down a bit, to see that you actually blew open an escape route that leads to things which would better serve you, rather than being chained so service of others who do not serve your well-being or any of your best interests. Now as she can deal with her own problems, you are free to focus on dealing with your own, which may lead to ctb, or may lead to new strength and focus to pursue your own healing, your own support, your own potential in life.

Anyhow, those are just my personal thoughts. While spoken from a removed and analytical stance, I feel what you wrote, and I have compassion. I am forgiving of such a human foible, whether committed by you or someone else. Personally, I've learned it serves me to have to a gentle chuckle now and then at the ways we humans go about things, and how disproportionately huge we can experience them as being. I hope you don't take that as belitting; it is affectionate, and minimizes only that which is not as big as we humans have a propensity to make them, not because we are at fault, but because that's how we are wired -- like seeing what appears to be the face of monster and being scared, only to realize it's just a trick of shadow and light, just a knot in the trunk of a tree, and laugh in relief, which is an emotional regulation. This is my way of emotional regulation.

Sending you compassion and support. You're not a bad person. You did not commit a great sin. You were human. It's okay. I join @Lostandfound7 in the recommendation to forgive yourself.

 

[Lostandfound7]

I managed to make a grammatical clusterfuck of that post didn't I, (a fustercluck if we're PG-13...). Let's call the two exes Lil and Lol - because for some confusingly obscure reason I can't think of two actual names to use instead. Lil was the abusive one - the one who lied to her ex, and to me; and who made a sport of beating the shit out of me. Of course, she needed daily practice to hone her abuse of me just like any dedicated athlete.

Lol is the nice ex, the lovely one and the ex who I lied to, or rather exaggerated the truth - because I have been quite ill, but I made out to her that it was worse than it was and said I was in the hospital on one occasion when I wasn't - it was pathetic, I was pathetic.

...And so, I managed to burn down what little relationship I had left with Lol (the nice one), act as sickeningly manipulative as Lil (the abusive one) did to me on many occasions; and in the process, I burnt up my last remaining reason to be alive.

My self-loathing is second to none today.

Ohhhhhhh, I get it..

EITHER WAY....forgive yourself..your intention was NEVER to hurt her in your lie..
Ease up on u, Boo..♡

(Lmbo @ "fustercluck")