Venting The last few days have been terrible

[LaBrava]

The worst anxiety and depression I've felt in a long time. Things feel very final but I'm not ready. Been told I'm on a disciplinary at work for making too many mistakes - my manager is a psycho who hates me and fairly surely wants me gone. Today I made a really big mistake which while I was able to fix it if she catches it it may be the end for me.

The disciplinary thing really feels like it tells me that CTB is what I need to do as things really will only get worse from here, and god knows they've been bad for a long time. I'd like to go with N in a hotel, but I have no funds and the only source I might have is selling my record collection, but all that will take so much time, even if it raises enough to at least buy N, and I may not have that time. I took a short walk yesterday, as tired as I was, to try and scope out wooded sites for full suspension but the green spaces near me look pretty sparse and open or full of nettles and bushes, not a dense wood you can get lost in. I have no idea about the countryside around here. Just venting here really.

 

[Ruffian]

Hey thanks for starting this thread - I was actually going to start one myself about the same thing. I have been in an anxiety/depression/physical pain/drug abuse/recovery cycle for the last 6 years. One website helped a lot with my drug use, but all the mental health support sites or suicide prevention sites are annoying AF. I'm starting to seriously question my sanity lately and have just been frozen in a severe depression combined with anxiety lately. I'm often afraid to leave the house, which has never happened before. I've been too depressed to get out of bed before, but I would only allow myself one day to be like that. Ever since last summer my mental health has just deteriorated and I'm not sure if being on here is helping. I think in a way it is, but it can be distracting and time consuming.

I had to force myself into the grocery store last nite. I was totally afraid to go in for unknown reasons and had to drive to another store in another neighborhood. We were almost completely out of food, and yes we're broke, but I needed to pick up a few things. I had 2 episodes where I just sat in my car for hours looking up meaningless shit on my phone. I've driven to train tracks to time the high speed lines. I know in my heart I couldn't go that way, but it's like I'm too phobic to get a job, but being out of work isn't helping either. I thing I legit need to go to a hospital, but my last experience was so bad. Plus idk how it is elsewhere, but where I am you don't have total control over where you end up. You just end up where there's a bed. And some places are really awful. I post this on a lot of threads, but I just had 2 recent failed attempts that caused me some serious legal consequences. In fact, if I stop posting for awhile it may not be due to ctb, I just may be incarcerated. I'm worried a little about my privacy sharing that, but not too much because no one really gives a damn about me except a couple people, and they already know my troubles.

I guess I'm just saying I hear you, and my problems started years ago due to career and feeling like a complete fuck-up. I'm just beyond embarrassed, which my therapist asked last night. I'm just totally ashamed of who I am and I've always had a subtle or not so subtle desire to die. I don't believe in myself and can't even fake it anymore.