the irony of anxiety, can't even see through an FA purchase.

[downthepathofdark]

Oh the Irony of the darkness that I dwell in. I've been feeling suicidal for the last 3 years,my anxiety is unrelenting, i can only sleep with a handful of meds, i'm losing an extreme amount of weight because eating makes me feel worse, the tinnitus is unrelenting and I'm just constantly wired and feelings so hopeless cause these issue have plagued me sing i was 12 (now 33). I don't know how I am going to go through another 30 years of this hellish nightmare called my life.

But anyways back to the main point...i went in today and purchased a shotgun (in one of the hardest states to purchase one). My anxiety brought me to the point of wanting to end it and end it as fast as possible....the irony of it atll is I could not make it 4 hours after paying the fee and starting the 10 day waiting period cause my panic had gone through the roof knowing what i was purchasing. Went back to the store, told them some bogus story the my wife(which i dont have) got home and was super pissed i bought a FA.

Just thought some of you would enjoy the irony of this stupid situation i find myself.

I guess if i'm going to CTB it's not going to be that easy. There will be some pain for me...and that scares the heck out of me.. God does not make it easy to take ones own life..

 

[I’mDone]

I'm sorry that you're suffering so much. I hope things work out for you.

 

[RedDEE]

Welcome to my fucking life.

I have bought guns. Got scared, sold them. Put barrell in my mouth, got scared, threw gun out the window of my car. I've bought massive quantities of drugs, hyped myself the fuck up, just to chicken out last minute and flush them. I've built guns from scratch from parts from a hardware store, just to scrap them.

I've wrote dozens upon dozens of suicide notes. I've tied dozens of nooses, and put my head through them. I wrecked a car on purpose at 70 MPH into a telephone pole, and knocked it down - still fucking alive. I've hyped myself up countless times - I've gone through all the emotions, so happy because it's finally going to be over, I'm finally going to do it this time. Just to have it turn into anxiety, horrible dread, and then humiliating regret once I've failed.

Every week I have a new suicide plan. Its like Pinky and The Brain, "what are we going to do tonight Brain?" The same thing we do every night, Pinky, try to kill ourselves and chicken out last second.

I can plan to kill myself next week and be READY. I can be SO ready to kill myself, tommorow. I'm gonna kill myself in an hour, FUCK yeah. But when it comes down to the instant to commit the act - OH GOD I WANT TO LIVE. I'll do it tommorow. And the cycle repeats.

I'm fucking pathetic. This cycle has ruined my life over and over, and the cycle self perpetuates itself. God has a sick sense of humor. Guess I'll live my whole life planning and postponing suicide and die 120 years old. At least it doesn't last forever - maybe God can stop us from killing ourselves but death is destined for us eventually.

 

[downthepathofdark]

Welcome to my fucking life.

I have bought guns. Got scared, sold them. Put barrell in my mouth, got scared, threw gun out the window of my car. I've bought massive quantities of drugs, hyped myself the fuck up, just to chicken out last minute and flush them. I've built guns from scratch from parts from a hardware store, just to scrap them.

I've wrote dozens upon dozens of suicide notes. I've tied dozens of nooses, and put my head through them. I wrecked a car on purpose at 70 MPH into a telephone pole, and knocked it down - still fucking alive. I've hyped myself up countless times - I've gone through all the emotions, so happy because it's finally going to be over, I'm finally going to do it this time. Just to have it turn into anxiety, horrible dread, and then humiliating regret once I've failed.

Every week I have a new suicide plan. Its like Pinky and The Brain, "what are we going to do tonight Brain?" The same thing we do every night, Pinky, try to kill ourselves and chicken out last second.

I can plan to kill myself next week and be READY. I can be SO ready to kill myself, tommorow. I'm gonna kill myself in an hour, FUCK yeah. But when it comes down to the instant to commit the act - OH GOD I WANT TO LIVE. I'll do it tommorow. And the cycle repeats.

I'm fucking pathetic. This cycle has ruined my life over and over, and the cycle self perpetuates itself. God has a sick sense of humor. Guess I'll live my whole life planning and postponing suicide and die 120 years old. At least it doesn't last forever - maybe God can stop us from killing ourselves but death is destined for us eventually.

Yep I feel exactly the same way. I feel like sometimes I'm trying to tempt God with my, "Oh your not making this better, well then ill just take my own life" but then in the back of my head i know "God will not be mocked" and he will have his laugh, either with me chickening out, failing to succeed in the task (which i tired to OD on my psych meds and ended up on a ventilator in the ICU", or being one of the people whose experience while CTBing is not going to be a pleasant one.

Having an unpleasant and painful suicide is something I morbidly fear but I just know if i go through with it it's not going to be a good experience. It's why i chicken out constantly or the anxiety gets so bad I can't deal with the waiting.

Like you I feel like im destined to live to 120 also with my cowardice always at the forefront of my eyes but still experience this terrible hell i call life. It's a lose lose for me...

I'm sorry that you're suffering so much. I hope things work out for you.

Thank you, appreciate the kindness.

 

[Overnoutofhere]

Welcome to my fucking life.

I have bought guns. Got scared, sold them. Put barrell in my mouth, got scared, threw gun out the window of my car. I've bought massive quantities of drugs, hyped myself the fuck up, just to chicken out last minute and flush them. I've built guns from scratch from parts from a hardware store, just to scrap them.

I've wrote dozens upon dozens of suicide notes. I've tied dozens of nooses, and put my head through them. I wrecked a car on purpose at 70 MPH into a telephone pole, and knocked it down - still fucking alive. I've hyped myself up countless times - I've gone through all the emotions, so happy because it's finally going to be over, I'm finally going to do it this time. Just to have it turn into anxiety, horrible dread, and then humiliating regret once I've failed.

Every week I have a new suicide plan. Its like Pinky and The Brain, "what are we going to do tonight Brain?" The same thing we do every night, Pinky, try to kill ourselves and chicken out last second.

I can plan to kill myself next week and be READY. I can be SO ready to kill myself, tommorow. I'm gonna kill myself in an hour, FUCK yeah. But when it comes down to the instant to commit the act - OH GOD I WANT TO LIVE. I'll do it tommorow. And the cycle repeats.

I'm fucking pathetic. This cycle has ruined my life over and over, and the cycle self perpetuates itself. God has a sick sense of humor. Guess I'll live my whole life planning and postponing suicide and die 120 years old. At least it doesn't last forever - maybe God can stop us from killing ourselves but death is destined for us eventually.

Yessss and guns are a violent way to go, if you do it wrong, you end in ICU, brain damaged, yet semi conscious aware but unable to respond. Horrific way to go! Then your family suffers, they eventually pull the plug or keep you as a veggie.
At least that is how it went for my husband.
It's capturing that real moment in the dark abyss and the overwhelming feeling why you need to CTB, at that point if there is method available one would most likely take that ticket and CTB.

 

[Aap]

Unless you are proficient with guns, I would not even consider it. Wins and fails can look far too much alike and will definitely create extreme trauma for wife and you, regardless if you succeed.

 

[Deathcabforugly]

I use to chicken out but the last few attempts, I just don't care anymore. I sometimes think I must've died and I'm already in hell because nothing seems to kill me