Y
Yasuke
Member
- Jan 29, 2020
- 93
I don't even know how to express this or what it even matters in reality when I have been defeated and fated to suffer. I'm pathetic and unworthy of love or affection as a man. This is made apparent throughout my whole life always struggling to fit in and never accomplishing the milestones that normal people do. I'm a failure being 25 unemployed, a virgin, never having a kiss or held hands, hugless, lazy, no friends, still in community college, living at home, pessimistic, apathetic ,parasitic, fatalistic and asocial. It would appear like these are herculean odds to overcome with my circumstances to say the least, but yet I still of course crave to be loved and to be understood in spite of that. I don't see how I can or could change and I don't believe things will or could change. I know people wanna say you have to get your shit together before that or whatever platitudes and axioms they think works but Im just too far gone for that. That's why I'm here because I've lost and I am lost. I want to die.
As you can imagine because of this especially as a male I am routinely mocked, ignored, belittled, shamed, humiliated in every facet of my life in every way by everybody. I am broken and I fully acknowledge that in part I am suicidal is my inferiority complex and castration aniexty I have with women in particular. This is important to me as a romantic and it's apparent in which I'm not good enough for this world or anybody. Not good enough for myself either. I'm someone who shouldn't exist and perhaps doesn't deserve to exist.
It's dominating me crushing what little enjoyment I have left if while leading me towards ruin or self destruction. It's making it much easier lately for me to stop being a coward and kill myself since I've wanted to kill myself for years. Seeing others get validated sexually or rominctally while I am unable to achieve anything in life is the epitome of me being stabbed in the heart with knife over and over again. I don't particularly care about anything if I can't fufill such desires or not worthy of such, because I do value relationships even more than money. I don't want to live life to just have everything be about the fucking money and working or survival because I thought love would be enough to fill that void but I was wrong. Dead wrong. So the drudgery of toil makes me feel like I have no choice but to end my life.
I don't want to feel this way nor do I want to give the women I seek that power over me but I can't help that my urges cannot be realized. It's not that romantisication of it nor is it the idea of if being peripheral and fleeting that is the problem. It's the reality that I am destroyed, condemned and possessed by feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness and damnation because of it. I've given up on life because of that domineering feeling and I have just given in to the pain at this point.
As you can imagine because of this especially as a male I am routinely mocked, ignored, belittled, shamed, humiliated in every facet of my life in every way by everybody. I am broken and I fully acknowledge that in part I am suicidal is my inferiority complex and castration aniexty I have with women in particular. This is important to me as a romantic and it's apparent in which I'm not good enough for this world or anybody. Not good enough for myself either. I'm someone who shouldn't exist and perhaps doesn't deserve to exist.
It's dominating me crushing what little enjoyment I have left if while leading me towards ruin or self destruction. It's making it much easier lately for me to stop being a coward and kill myself since I've wanted to kill myself for years. Seeing others get validated sexually or rominctally while I am unable to achieve anything in life is the epitome of me being stabbed in the heart with knife over and over again. I don't particularly care about anything if I can't fufill such desires or not worthy of such, because I do value relationships even more than money. I don't want to live life to just have everything be about the fucking money and working or survival because I thought love would be enough to fill that void but I was wrong. Dead wrong. So the drudgery of toil makes me feel like I have no choice but to end my life.
I don't want to feel this way nor do I want to give the women I seek that power over me but I can't help that my urges cannot be realized. It's not that romantisication of it nor is it the idea of if being peripheral and fleeting that is the problem. It's the reality that I am destroyed, condemned and possessed by feelings of powerlessness, hopelessness and damnation because of it. I've given up on life because of that domineering feeling and I have just given in to the pain at this point.