-nobodyknows-
Arcanist
- Jun 16, 2024
- 486
Recently, I have been thinking about the future. What sorts of things do I want out of life? What values are most important to me? What sort of person do I want to be?
I am a very idealistic person. I want to do something good with my life. I have no interest in simply working at some job at a company whose primary mission is to just make the company money. I want to make the world a better place.
Unfortunately, however, I am not suited for the sorts of roles that I aspire to. I'm not good at talking to people. I am not particularly smart or gifted. And, most importantly, I am not a strong person, by any definition of the word.
It is extremely distressing to someone like me. I cannot live up to my ideals in my professional life, in my personal life, or in my spiritual life. And, to further exacerbate the issue, I only bring pain to those I try to become closer to.
People who have tried get to know me all end up avoiding me. I do not blame them, for the darkness in my heart has a tendency to seep into others, causing them to become distraught. It is only natural to avoid someone like me. And yet, I do not know how to accept this. I cannot stand that whenever I talk about my feelings to someone else they become distressed. My words are poison to them.
I try to contain this issue by simply not discussing such things with others. But, it is such an isolating feeling. I have to keep my distance because I know that getting closer will only cause suffering. And yet, having that is probably the thing that matters the most to me. Having a close friend or a spouse whose life would be enriched by my presence and efforts would bring me great joy and fulfillment. However, I do not think such things are possible for someone like me.
Why do I exist? Is my only purpose truly to bring pain to others? The idea is incredibly disturbing. Even if I killed myself, I would still be causing those I care about to suffer. There is no escaping it, regardless of what I choose.
I am a very idealistic person. I want to do something good with my life. I have no interest in simply working at some job at a company whose primary mission is to just make the company money. I want to make the world a better place.
Unfortunately, however, I am not suited for the sorts of roles that I aspire to. I'm not good at talking to people. I am not particularly smart or gifted. And, most importantly, I am not a strong person, by any definition of the word.
It is extremely distressing to someone like me. I cannot live up to my ideals in my professional life, in my personal life, or in my spiritual life. And, to further exacerbate the issue, I only bring pain to those I try to become closer to.
People who have tried get to know me all end up avoiding me. I do not blame them, for the darkness in my heart has a tendency to seep into others, causing them to become distraught. It is only natural to avoid someone like me. And yet, I do not know how to accept this. I cannot stand that whenever I talk about my feelings to someone else they become distressed. My words are poison to them.
I try to contain this issue by simply not discussing such things with others. But, it is such an isolating feeling. I have to keep my distance because I know that getting closer will only cause suffering. And yet, having that is probably the thing that matters the most to me. Having a close friend or a spouse whose life would be enriched by my presence and efforts would bring me great joy and fulfillment. However, I do not think such things are possible for someone like me.
Why do I exist? Is my only purpose truly to bring pain to others? The idea is incredibly disturbing. Even if I killed myself, I would still be causing those I care about to suffer. There is no escaping it, regardless of what I choose.
