Venting The horror of waking up to a failed life

[Jean Améry]

I woke up this morning still exhausted even after a long sleep and feeling completely miserable and perfectly hopeless. I have a ton of stuff to do but I can't seem to find the energy which makes me even more depressed. Given my past the likelihood of the future turning out brighter seems rather low although I know I should focus on the present which is easier said than done.

As many of you will probably agree it's hard to describe the exact feeling but what struck me most is what once seemed like a good idea (staying alive for my family's sake) now seems utterly ludicrous as a) I still feel lonely as all hell and hurt like mad and b) I don't see how the comparatively small advantage of me staying alive for them is worth all this misery for me.

Another useless thought pops in my head from time to time: how could it have come to this? There were moments and whole periods in my life when I was completely happy and I would have had a fairly bright future if certain things hadn't gone terribly wrong.

I'm afraid I have lost an acquaintance/friend (the exact status wasn't too clear) since we gotten into a fight over me complaining about her telling me she couldn't meet two days before the proposed date when she hadn't reacted to my invitation at all. She reacted with anger. I replied this was important to me but acknowledged part of the blame lay with me given that I should have told her beforehand. I asked her to talk this out if she'd be willing.

It's not yet been two full days yet I'm worried although rationally I know I shouldn't be.

Within two days I have an appointment in a hospital which could result in some very bad news. I'm also worried about that although again rationally speaking i know I shouldn't be. In a way it would be a good thing since ill health (physically) to most people is a far more acceptable reason to CTB so I'm sure it wouldn't be so hard on my family if I did it.

I think what makes this worse is that I stopped my preparations for CTB completely after my decision to refrain from it out of love for others. Now I'm empty-handed so to speak (I surmised I might be temped to do it anyway if I had the stuff close by) and this makes me feel powerless and more afraid. I obviously need to adress that issue. Knowing a peaceful death is possible should be a great comfort.

I wish I wasn't so alone in this. The rotten thing is that those who need others the most are usually those who lack deep, meaningful relationships to others which to me seems a primary reason to CTB. Humans are social creatures after all and I read somewhere that loneliness feels pretty much like physical pain and it leads to all kinds of health issues. Maybe that's the reason why my health's declined and maybe it's not a catastrophic reason after all.

I wish I could call a friend, arrange for a meeting to talk about this and have her comfort me. I have friends but I can't ask this of them: partly because we're male and partly because it would be rather uncomfortable as we're not used to that. I don't want to lose them even though I'm often dissapointed after they've gone.

I did have a few wonderful women in my life who made all the difference but sadly I managed to screw that up thoroughly (fubar: fucked up beyond repair). There's nothing like being with a woman you care deeply about, feel her arms around you, comforting you and in general showing you that she loves you. Love truly is the most precious thing in the world: gaining it is like entering heaven, losing it like descending into hell. No wonder many the world over kill themselves over a failed relationship. I wish I would have been so wise back then as I wouldn't be alive today to write this sad story.

I feel the longer I wait the more I suffer and my efforts are not producing results needed to make it all worthwhile or at least offer a credible glimmer of hope that somewhere in the future I will be happy again and feel loved.

I'm sure many of you are in similar circumstances. I can't imagine anyone being happy and truly feeling loved ending up here. Of course I'm not saying it's not possible as I make it a policy not to judge others on here unless they're being annoying/disrespectful towards others.

I know there's probably no answer to this mess (hence I picked the category 'venting') but I thought if I wrote it down and a few people would read it it might make me feel a little better. Thanks for reading this far.

 

[Jean Améry]

Thanks for the support everyone. I appreciate it.

 

[Final Escape]

Yea I've failed pretty horribly at life too. I wish I had been educated better in my youth so I could reduce the risk of screwing it up. Unfortunately many people are no longer educated we are brainwashed. This leads many people to make unwise decisions in youth that end up setting the stage for a failed middle and old age.

 

[Misanthrope]

I woke up this morning still exhausted even after a long sleep and feeling completely miserable and perfectly hopeless. I have a ton of stuff to do but I can't seem to find the energy which makes me even more depressed. Given my past the likelihood of the future turning out brighter seems rather low although I know I should focus on the present which is easier said than done.

As many of you will probably agree it's hard to describe the exact feeling but what struck me most is what once seemed like a good idea (staying alive for my family's sake) now seems utterly ludicrous as a) I still feel lonely as all hell and hurt like mad and b) I don't see how the comparatively small advantage of me staying alive for them is worth all this misery for me.

Another useless thought pops in my head from time to time: how could it have come to this? There were moments and whole periods in my life when I was completely happy and I would have had a fairly bright future if certain things hadn't gone terribly wrong.

I'm afraid I have lost an acquaintance/friend (the exact status wasn't too clear) since we gotten into a fight over me complaining about her telling me she couldn't meet two days before the proposed date when she hadn't reacted to my invitation at all. She reacted with anger. I replied this was important to me but acknowledged part of the blame lay with me given that I should have told her beforehand. I asked her to talk this out if she'd be willing.

It's not yet been two full days yet I'm worried although rationally I know I shouldn't be.

Within two days I have an appointment in a hospital which could result in some very bad news. I'm also worried about that although again rationally speaking i know I shouldn't be. In a way it would be a good thing since ill health (physically) to most people is a far more acceptable reason to CTB so I'm sure it wouldn't be so hard on my family if I did it.

I think what makes this worse is that I stopped my preparations for CTB completely after my decision to refrain from it out of love for others. Now I'm empty-handed so to speak (I surmised I might be temped to do it anyway if I had the stuff close by) and this makes me feel powerless and more afraid. I obviously need to adress that issue. Knowing a peaceful death is possible should be a great comfort.

I wish I wasn't so alone in this. The rotten thing is that those who need others the most are usually those who lack deep, meaningful relationships to others which to me seems a primary reason to CTB. Humans are social creatures after all and I read somewhere that loneliness feels pretty much like physical pain and it leads to all kinds of health issues. Maybe that's the reason why my health's declined and maybe it's not a catastrophic reason after all.

I wish I could call a friend, arrange for a meeting to talk about this and have her comfort me. I have friends but I can't ask this of them: partly because we're male and partly because it would be rather uncomfortable as we're not used to that. I don't want to lose them even though I'm often dissapointed after they've gone.

I did have a few wonderful women in my life who made all the difference but sadly I managed to screw that up thoroughly (fubar: fucked up beyond repair). There's nothing like being with a woman you care deeply about, feel her arms around you, comforting you and in general showing you that she loves you. Love truly is the most precious thing in the world: gaining it is like entering heaven, losing it like descending into hell. No wonder many the world over kill themselves over a failed relationship. I wish I would have been so wise back then as I wouldn't be alive today to write this sad story.

I feel the longer I wait the more I suffer and my efforts are not producing results needed to make it all worthwhile or at least offer a credible glimmer of hope that somewhere in the future I will be happy again and feel loved.

I'm sure many of you are in similar circumstances. I can't imagine anyone being happy and truly feeling loved ending up here. Of course I'm not saying it's not possible as I make it a policy not to judge others on here unless they're being annoying/disrespectful towards others.

I know there's probably no answer to this mess (hence I picked the category 'venting') but I thought if I wrote it down and a few people would read it it might make me feel a little better. Thanks for reading this far.

Hi Jean, wish I had something remotely positive to say. But I really don't. It's more I relate with a lot of what you have said. So that is all I am going to convey. The vicious cycle of not having energy and then getting caught in a state of stagnation and winding up frustrated by it I entirely get. I try and self soothe that there is illness at work making me a spectator to life and not a participant. It is not like I am choosing to sit in my dressing gown working through my gaming library day after day feeling miserable about it. Its like a bear stuck in an empty enclosure slowly going insane. It sounds like you are out of energy. Try not to be too hard on yourself there because cars without petrol simply don't make it up hills. If you figure out how to conjure energy out of nowhere do let me know. I am curious if you have any passions left or does even that feel hollow these days? My fuel is visiting predatory birds. Used to fly a Harris Hawk called Arizona. Even that experience is somewhat marred by sickness but it breaks me out of my head at least.

I am also forcing myself to go on existing, just for a while longer because of my loved ones. There though will never be a perfect time to leave but there is a less destructive time to make the move. But like you, I feel like I am haunting my own life. I am like a spectre that only manifests when needed by others. Beyond that, I sort of exist in periphery and silent pain which is a lonely place to be. More so because I am not the sort of person that shares the pain I am in. Here is my only authentic space. If that is the same for you then all I can say is I empathise with your loneliness. Do your parents have any clue of the pain you are in? Are you the strong one for them much of the time?

I also really hope that whatever medical news you face is not as bad as you think. Seems you are in pain already so I hope you don't get confirmation of more of it.

Being suicidal is isolating because there are consequences to talking about it. Ironically I am loved, but that is the very reason I cannot talk about it. Just lands them in helpless scared state. No positive spin can fix medical fact or get across a diminished quality of life. So it is possible to be alone while surrounded by well-meaning people.

What do you do most days? Do you feel like you are on autopilot pretending to be alive? Has anything in the past given you fuel for the hills you face? If you do still have passion do you still nurture it despite the hopeless feeling?

I am content to listen Jean, that is the best I can offer sadly, in the hopes it makes you not feel quite so alone and by proxy me as well. If you prefer feel free to start a conversation. Sadly I can be slow sometimes lots of nausea to contend with.

Peace.

 

[Jean Améry]

Update: at least she replied yesterday but she either doesn''t get my point or she doesn't want to get it. She keeps insisting I'm irrational because I complain about the fact that she cancelled our supposed meeting. This is absurd for three reasons.

1) for an agreement to exist both parties need to be on the same page and agree to what is proposed. Since she did not react to my invitation there was no agreement to begin with so how it could ever be cancelled?

2) I'm perfectly fine with her or anyone else cancelling aslong as the reasons are not patently rubbish and it's not a habit.

3) my gripe was that she waited untill 2 days before the proposed date to let me know. This tells me she doesn't think my time is valuable and it's not worth the bother to let me know in a timely fashion.

She even has the nerve to claim I expect her to justify herself to me (this is patently false: I said nor implied such a thing) and she doesn't owe me anything because I'm not her boyfriend... As if I ever claimed she was my girlfriend or I expected her to be. On the contrary: since the very beginning I made it clear I wasn't interested in a relationship with her otherwise I would have attempted to seduce and kiss her which I didn't...

Of course little miss narcissism seems to think I have the hots for her.

How bloody hard is it to understand I expect her to show me the common decency of not assuming I have nothing better to do than to wait for her majesty's gracious presence and therefore not to wait untill the last possible moment to let me know?

The stupid mistake I made is that I was honest about this and it came back to bite me in the ass. The smart thing to do was to have let her know I wasn't available for a while and make her realize I don't need her. What I did was the opposite: she has the upper hand now and thinks I'll let her snide comments and insults (I take the charge of irrationality very serious as I pride myself on being clearheaded, smart, logical and thoughtful) stand.

I obviously can't do that. The only logical conclusion here is to sever all ties and stop seeing her completely. It's clear she doesn't respect me and I can't and won't associate with such people. If the choice is between any woman and my self-respect the latter will always win by a landslide.

The irony is that I actually was interested in her for her intellect and her (presumably) good character and not her body. As it turns out she's neither rational nor good-natured. Just a stuck-up little brat with a university education and an ego the size of Texas that shows no exceptional wit nor true cultivation and isn't even physically attractive enough for men to want to sleep with her.

In a way it's good that I know this now so I won't have to waste anymore time on her and chase a chimaera. It's still a dissapointment of course but then again life is filled with dissapointments.

I learned from this and previous experiences that one should never be honest and open about one's thoughts and feelings with women as it will very likely backfire. This is really sad and even heart-breaking: apparantly in this morally corrupt, rotten world an honest, loving, respectful, spiritual and deeply emotional connection to a woman simply isn't possible.

Ah well, I'll probably end up killing myself anyway so why continue to pursue these things ? It's like I actually want to repeat the painful experiences of the past. Luckily I'm usually quite numb so it doesn't hit me as hard as it used to.

Since psychiatry is clearly out of the question (been there done that, don't intend to fall for their conmanship a second time) and I obviously can't rely on others to help me I think I'll turn to drugs, suicidal ideation, preparation for CTB and music that makes me want to cry (I can't though) to cope with this heartbreaking agony, loneliness and mental pain.

I think in the end death will be my best friend: he will open the gates of this prison for me and I will step out in the great unknown, free of all misery and pain for all eternity. If I were religious at all I'd worship the god of death as contrary to what society generally thinks death is the best thing that can ever happen to us.

Great thinkers like Seneca, Leopardi and Schopenhauer knew this and held that the fear of death is utter madness and folly and death itself the great savior of mankind.

 

[Jean Améry]

@Misanthrope.

Your message and the spirit behind it is filled with positivity. Thank you for your kind, insightful and empathic words Misantrophe. It seems you either don't live up to your name or you don't consider me human after all ;-).

Seriously: it seems we have quite a few things in common so perhaps I will take you up on your offer. I greatly appreciate the sentiment behind it and the sense of companionship this engenders: since my problem is loneliness (not exclusively but to a large extent) that actually helps somewhat.

I'm exhausted and I think it would be best to turn in early so unfortunately I can't answer your questions right now. I plan to do that in the near future, either on this thread or in a private conversation.

I'm glad this forum offers you a place to be yourself and express yourself honestly. That's what I like about it too although there clearly is so much pain and anguish here that I can do nothing about that sometimes it's disheartening, depressing and painful to realize my world-view (pessimism) is the truth sadly and many people suffer everyday without relief and often without any help from others whatsoever.

I try to show empathy whenever I can but it's frustrating and painful that I can't truly help anyone here. I can only hope people find what they need here and if they do decide they want out it's a well thought out, rational decision and the passing is peaceful and dignified.

 

[seekingoblivion]

I try to show empathy whenever I can but it's frustrating and painful that I can't truly help anyone here. I can only hope people find what they need here and if they do decide they want out it's a well thought out, rational decision and the passing is peaceful and dignified.

I feel this way too. All one can do is hope but it's quite far from enough.

I relate to a great deal of what you describe in your post. I myself awoke this morning to a feeling of great misery and hopelessness. It was one of those moments when there is so much internal anguish it manifests itself outward in the form of physical pain. I literally woke up groaning. I believe loneliness is the largest contributing factor to this.

I also feel trapped as I don't have a reliable way to ctb and I generally am afraid of going through the process. I held on for family for years but I'm less concerned with that now. For how long must one prolong his suffering for the sake of others? It starts to turn into resentment for them whenever I think about it, unfortunately.

All in all I just want to say we may come from different places with different stories but the pain we each have is one we share; a pain which rebukes life and exalts death. We're all in this together.

 

[Jean Améry]

I'm about to leave for the hospital. I loathe this so much I hope I hope I get run over by a car or die in some other accident before I arrive there.

Whatever will happen I'll start preparing for the end this weekend. I absolutely hate being this vulnerable and not able yet to take the final step. I need peace of mind and therefore a means to escape whatever fate I deem intolerable.

I hope this will not go so bad I'll be devestated although that's a real possibility. Suicide is a good answer to this obviously but it would have been better had I done it early so I wouldn't have to go through this.

 

[JadedGray]

The title of this thread is all too relatable.

 

[Xena]

The title of this thread is all too relatable.

This. Every. Day.

 

[Donewith_]

I can relate to this(the title), i am a failure. Simply put.. i failed in my life , nothing more.
Its all unnecessary whether i was good or bad in my academics, how i have done in my social life, my interests , my everything.
A person who sees me from outside can just know partially about me,
but I know about myself very well.. i am a failure, this is it.