Last night, me and my boyfriend confronted a homeless man that beat up someone (the homeless guy was saying that the other guy's dog was scaring his cat). The homeless man turned aggressive and started threatening us. I approached him with my knife while my boyfriend pulled his glock out. I got in the homeless guy's face yelling at him, because he called my boyfriend a fag, and I've been pushed around all the time so much that I have no patience anymore. We eventually left, with the homeless guy still screaming his head off behind us.
Back at my boyfriend's place. He was upset that I was standing in front of him and the homeless guy. I guess he felt sort of cucked by this. Understandable. But I was just doing what I felt was needed and felt normal to do. He explained everytime I get myself into a situation like this, he's gonna be the one being attacked because I'm a girl and nobody is willing to attack a girl.
So everytime I do something out of good intention, it only backfires and hurts someone.
If I was not a fucking female this would not happen. Its as simple as that. Human biology is surprisingly (haha) resistant against the politically correct ideals that are touted upon us today. Nobody can successfully resist the natural order.
I believe the natural order is necessary, but it hurts to know my own desires go against the very concept which I value. It makes me confused and angry at myself and my environment. Years of blocking out undesirable thoughts led to me not being able to reason anything about my thoughts. I try to think, but it's just "I want to fucking kill myself" repeated over and over in my head, or me screaming randomly and self harming with whatever is within reach, mostly razor blades and cigarettes.
My boyfriend tries to make me feel better, but all he says just makes it worse in intensity and duration. I hit myself and scrape at my hands because he took my razor blades (I took a bunch of them back last night though). I don't cry because it is the ultimate sign of weakness. Therefore I want no emotion to be directly connected with this ultimate expression of weakness, which includes sadness. I just translate it all to anger and intense murderous hatred towards myself.