Help The guilt of leaving my sister has stopped me for years...I don't know for how much longer

[roaming_soul]

I came so close to ctb years ago. The preparation, the lack of fear & guilt and a trust in my decision were all there. But I failed. So I took that as an opportunity to begin my 'healing journey'. It's been almost 7 years. Still, I keep finding myself here where I don't want to be a part of this life. I am trying, but sometimes it feels like I'm fooling myself.

My main support and motivation to get better and do better has been my younger sister. I look at her and I see so much life and love. The thought of turning her world upside down destroys me inside.

That doesn't mean I'm not 'ready'. The true weight of a decision like this is too much for one person to consider.

My mom attempted to take her life 9 years ago. I don't blame her for what she tried to do but that experienced has coloured my life since. It'd be unfair for me not to consider how my choice would do the same to others. Mostly my sister who means everything to me.

How do I come to terms with the effect of my decision? How do I do that without even getting to speak about it and lay my heart bare? I don't want her life to fall apart because of me.

 

[FuneralCry]

The only thing that I believe you can do is to write a note so those left behind will not be left with unanswered questions and it could give them some closure. I know it is hard leaving others behind, and there is not much that can make it easier for them. I'm sorry you are going through this. When things get worse it can be a dreadful feeling. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[morgaine]

The only thing that I believe you can do is to write a note so those left behind will not be left with unanswered questions and it could give them some closure. I know it is hard leaving others behind, and there is not much that can make it easier for them. I'm sorry you are going through this. When things get worse it can be a dreadful feeling. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

Not to complicate things, but my brother-in-law completed suicide 4 years ago and in all the family members I have talked to who have relatives who have died by suicide, none of them felt consoled by a note left behind. None of them felt like their "why" was answered by the note. I also wish OP the best, I am just saying I don't think leaving a note matters at all

 

[hopelessness]

I too have a younger sister I am staying alive for. And have thought a lot about what my death would do to her.

I don't think there is anything we can do to make it any better or easier for them. The reality is it will destroy them. That being said though sometimes I think about how strong and resilient she is as well. I know that eventually she would recover from it in some way shape or form. I know she would understand my decision to an extent.

I know this doesn't help you any I just wanted to share my experiences too. To show you, you aren't alone in this I guess. Again I know that isn't much of a consolation.

I wish you all the best.

 

[Salkak]

I'm the youngest one in my family. Still the constant guilt of my suicide messing up my siblings scares me so much. It's like I can't stop feeling suicidal but I can't even kill myself. It feels like this truly is hell.

 

[miserableforever]

Not to complicate things, but my brother-in-law completed suicide 4 years ago and in all the family members I have talked to who have relatives who have died by suicide, none of them felt consoled by a note left behind. None of them felt like their "why" was answered by the note. I also wish OP the best, I am just saying I don't think leaving a note matters at all

I understand what you're saying and of course a note doesn't mean much, cause it won't save families from the pain they go through.
But, in the long run that note will be looked at whenever the nagging feeling returns, and I believe it's some sort of consolation. Worst case is when we have unanswered questions. A person just vanishes and people blame themselves. Nothing hurts more and leaves a deeper void than that.
If I could CTB, I can't cause kids, I would make very sure to explain my situation so the ones after me had something to hold on to.
Just my thoughts, maybe I got this all wrong, I don't know.

 

[dreadpirateroberts69]

Not to complicate things, but my brother-in-law completed suicide 4 years ago and in all the family members I have talked to who have relatives who have died by suicide, none of them felt consoled by a note left behind. None of them felt like their "why" was answered by the note. I also wish OP the best, I am just saying I don't think leaving a note matters at all

Though a note may not necessarily be comforting to survivors, NOT leaving a note would be even worse as everyone would inevitably ask, "why didn't they leave a note?" You say none of them felt like their "why" was answered by the note, but if there hadn't been a note in the first place, that would've been just one more "why" to add to the list. Hope that makes sense.

 

[roaming_soul]

The only thing that I believe you can do is to write a note so those left behind will not be left with unanswered questions and it could give them some closure. I know it is hard leaving others behind, and there is not much that can make it easier for them. I'm sorry you are going through this. When things get worse it can be a dreadful feeling. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

I agree that I mote would alleviate some if the pain. All I know is that if the roles were reversed I don't know how I'd continue without my sister. Our relationship is the Gold Standard for all other relationships in my life. I guess this is what gives me hope when things get rough - that I have someone who loves me so much.

I just wish that I could have this conversation with her. If we weren't in seperate countries right now I think I would open up. But this is not really a conversation for the phone. So for now I'll keep pushing on.

Thanks for the well wishes, sending some right back you

I understand what you're saying and of course a note doesn't mean much, cause it won't save families from the pain they go through.
But, in the long run that note will be looked at whenever the nagging feeling returns, and I believe it's some sort of consolation. Worst case is when we have unanswered questions. A person just vanishes and people blame themselves. Nothing hurts more and leaves a deeper void than that.
If I could CTB, I can't cause kids, I would make very sure to explain my situation so the ones after me had something to hold on to.
Just my thoughts, maybe I got this all wrong, I don't

I too have a younger sister I am staying alive for. And have thought a lot about what my death would do to her.I don't think there is anything we can do to make it any better or easier for them. The reality is it will destroy them. That being said though sometimes I think about how strong and resilient she is as well. I know that eventually she would recover from it in some way shape or form. I know she would understand my decision to an extent.I know this doesn't help you any I just wanted to share my experiences too. To show you, you aren't alone in this I guess. Again I know that isn't much of a consolation.I wish you all the best.

I too have a younger sister I am staying alive for. And have thought a lot about what my death would do to her.

I don't think there is anything we can do to make it any better or easier for them. The reality is it will destroy them. That being said though sometimes I think about how strong and resilient she is as well. I know that eventually she would recover from it in some way shape or form. I know she would understand my decision to an extent.

I know this doesn't help you any I just wanted to share my experiences too. To show you, you aren't alone in this I guess. Again I know that isn't much of a consolation.

I wish you all the best.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I'm also in awe of my sisters resilience and bad-assery.

For now, I'm fighting the good fight. My heart aches too much for the lifetime of grief that I'd be imposing on my sister.

Wishing you the best too

I understand what you're saying and of course a note doesn't mean much, cause it won't save families from the pain they go through.
But, in the long run that note will be looked at whenever the nagging feeling returns, and I believe it's some sort of consolation. Worst case is when we have unanswered questions. A person just vanishes and people blame themselves. Nothing hurts more and leaves a deeper void than that.
If I could CTB, I can't cause kids, I would make very sure to explain my situation so the ones after me had something to hold on to.
Just my thoughts, maybe I got this all wrong, I don't know.

I understand your pov about leaving notes.

When my mom attempted to CTB she left me a voice message. I never knew her to be suicidal or depressed, but I jsut knew what the message was about. So much so that I didn't get through the first 10 seconds.

And still, to this day I've neither asked "why" nor have I been curious to know why. I don't think there is any satisfiable answer that would come close to alleviating the trauma of that experience. Of course, I can empathise and logically understand her decision. But grief is not rational and logic cannot cure it.

I don't think there is a right or wrong here. Thank you for sharing your thoughts :) It helps to speak about these things

 

[Noctis]

How do I come to terms with the effect of my decision? How do I do that without even getting to speak about it and lay my heart bare? I don't want her life to fall apart because of me.

I'm having the same problem, but with my wife.

I'm very unhappy here and I feel like I'm finally ready, but I know it would destroy her. The only thing I keep telling myself is "Is it worth it to save her from a couple months of crying by inflicting a few more decades of suffering on me?" I haven't completely come to terms with doing that to her, but I'm closer now than I've ever been.

 

[roaming_soul]

I'm having the same problem, but with my wife.

I'm very unhappy here and I feel like I'm finally ready, but I know it would destroy her. The only thing I keep telling myself is "Is it worth it to save her from a couple months of crying by inflicting a few more decades of suffering on me?" I haven't completely come to terms with doing that to her, but I'm closer now than I've ever been.

I'm sorry that you're in that position. It's not easy to contend with our own needs and the possible pain of our loved ones. Especially when a "couple months of crying" will inevitably evolve into decades of pain for them. I say that not to make you or I feel bad, but as a reflection of truth of a permanent decision of ctb.

I don't know about you but I've had tgis nagging urge to speak to my sister about all of this. Its a lonely place to be. And so tirering. I'm in a good place now, but like you, I wonder how long I can go on like this. I wish I had the answers for us both, Noctis. I guess only time will tell.

 

[Foresight]

I'm having the same problem, but with my wife.

I'm very unhappy here and I feel like I'm finally ready, but I know it would destroy her. The only thing I keep telling myself is "Is it worth it to save her from a couple months of crying by inflicting a few more decades of suffering on me?" I haven't completely come to terms with doing that to her, but I'm closer now than I've ever been.

It won't be a couple months of grieving.

 

[Noctis]

It won't be a couple months of grieving.

Wouldn't it? I don't mean that in a sarcastic or "pity me" way; just a genuine question.

I loved my old dog more than anything else in the world, and having to put her to rest broke me. I was an inconsolable and sobbing mess for about a week, and probably grieved for a couple months. I mean, I still miss her, but not to the point that it affects my life anymore.

Is it not realistic to assume my death and associated grieving process would follow a similar timeline?

 

[Foresight]

Wouldn't it? I don't mean that in a sarcastic or "pity me" way; just a genuine question.

I loved my old dog more than anything else in the world, and having to put her to rest broke me. I was an inconsolable and sobbing mess for about a week, and probably grieved for a couple months. I mean, I still miss her, but not to the point that it affects my life anymore.

Is it not realistic to assume my death and associated grieving process would follow a similar timeline?

I love animals a lot. I'm a huge animal person. With that said, losing a pet is not going to be the same as losing a spouse. It would be very unusual for the grieving process to be 2 months.

 

[Noctis]

I love animals a lot. I'm a huge animal person. With that said, losing a pet is not going to be the same as losing a spouse. It would be very unusual for the grieving process to be 2 months.

Hmm... that's the complete opposite of what I wanted to hear.

Does an amnesia gun exist? Or something else where I can make everyone completely forget about me?

 

[Foresight]

Hmm... that's the complete opposite of what I wanted to hear.

Does an amnesia gun exist? Or something else where I can make everyone completely forget about me?

That reminds me of Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. It's one of the unfortunate downsides of falling in love.

 

[LADY007]

Wouldn't it? I don't mean that in a sarcastic or "pity me" way; just a genuine question.

I loved my old dog more than anything else in the world, and having to put her to rest broke me. I was an inconsolable and sobbing mess for about a week, and probably grieved for a couple months. I mean, I still miss her, but not to the point that it affects my life anymore.

Is it not realistic to assume my death and associated grieving process would follow a similar timeline?

Is she financially dependent on you? If she is... it will be very rough.

 

[Noctis]

Is she financially dependent on you? If she is... it will be very rough.

Well she is, but my life insurance will pay out nearly three years of my salary, so it'll probably be better for her.

 

[LADY007]

Well she is, but my life insurance will pay out nearly three years of my salary, so it'll probably be better for her.

That is a plus...

 

[someonelse]

I really related to your post. I'm in a similar situation but it's my dad that's giving me pause to ctb. I've thought of sending a scheduled email to him trying to explain everything — something he would get maybe a week after I pass. But then I feel the need to also send one to my mom but I'm afraid that one would have more to do with the logistics of my death — having my apartment cleared out, stuff sold, etc. But I'm not sure who else to give those responsibilities to other than a friend or small group of friends. I live alone in CA and all of my friends live elsewhere so it's a bit complicated.

But I agree with what other users are saying — there's no note no matter how well written that's going to make them okay or quickly come to peace with our decisions.

 

[whatevs]

Wouldn't it? I don't mean that in a sarcastic or "pity me" way; just a genuine question.

I loved my old dog more than anything else in the world, and having to put her to rest broke me. I was an inconsolable and sobbing mess for about a week, and probably grieved for a couple months. I mean, I still miss her, but not to the point that it affects my life anymore.

Is it not realistic to assume my death and associated grieving process would follow a similar timeline?

Years.