Venting The guilt of being “lucky”

[Luminous_]

I was born pretty, I have money and there are some people in this world who truly love me. I have a good life compared to many, but it only makes me feel worse. I'm angry at myself that I waste the opportunities given to me, because I can't function properly, because I feel so miserable all the time, because I hurt those around me with my intense negative emotions. I wonder often if some of you in these threads swapped places with me, would you no longer want to die? Would you use my life better and with more gratitude?

I feel undeserving of the opportunities I was given, yet I know if I didn't have them I wouldn't have existed nearly as long as I have now. Sometimes I try to make myself feel better by playing into my victim hood: "you were sexually assaulted and raped from 9 years (and I suspect even younger) old! You were neglected, verbally and physically abused by your dad! You were viciously bullied for the autism you didn't even know you had until years later! You can't be hard on yourself, you should just sit in the piles of trash that collect in your room, cry about your horrible life and waste away the career you were offered."

In the end that's also pretty depressing logic, even if I didn't have that life I think I'd still be depressed because the world sucks for most people, the evil that humans are makes me sick, the things we've done to animals and the environment, the things we've done to other human beings. I don't belong in a world like this, and I don't really want to either.. but there's no way out other than the sweet release of death, there's no magic button that will give everyone compassion and the will to save the world and bring universal kindness. Our kind was doomed to fail.

Is there any way to reason a life when my depression also stems from the state of the world? I want to live, but not in a place like this.

 

[Forever Sleep]

It doesn't exactly sound as if everything was easy and good for you. No matter what other things you were 'blessed' with, I expect being sexually assaulted as a child would be a massive stumbling block for anyone. So, I really don't think you should be so hard on yourself to begin with. You have very valid reasons for struggling in life.

Even if you didn't though. Even if everything was perfect, we feel how we feel I think- to a larger extent. It's not always easy to just: 'snap ourselves out of it' or, to even see why we should have the motivation to try.

I think a lot of stuff in life is just expected of us because, maybe our parents accepted that and, they now expect us to. It's so hard though, when our heart just isn't in it.

As to whether someone would flourish in your life or mine- I also had it easier in some ways, compared to others. Who knows? Maybe they would have struggled more! You simply just don't know. Would you berate them for that though? Probably not. You'd probably try to show them compassion and understanding so- try to do the same for yourself!

Even if we feel sorry for ourselves, doesn't mean we lose the capacity to feel sorry for others. I've never really liked the: 'some people have it worse' argument. Like- sure they do and, I feel desperately sorry for them too! But, it isn't my fault they were born. It isn't my fault I was either.

Plus, would me or you suddenly becoming joyful mean that the suffering person at the other side of the world would become joyful too? Doubtful- unless I did something generous to directly improve their life.

Ultimately though- if we could be free of our lives- we'd give them to them- wouldn't we? So- the offer's there but, we can't do that. So ultimately- what's the point in guilt tripping us with that? Unless we are directly responsible for that person's misery of course.