NoOneLovesMiMi
Just Me
- May 27, 2023
- 114
So yesterday was Christmas.
I was ready to be alone and pack up more stuff.
But late in the day my mom called and said just come for a little bit..eat a little..get out of that apartment.
I agreed...I was hesitant because as I've said before we're not a close family. I have a lot of resentment and feel like the outsider. But I went because this would be my last chance to see my niece.
My grandma who I haven't seen in probably 2 years was there. I felt awkward because I didn't speak on arrival. But it wasn't intentional...I was just nervous to not let on and shocked because she doesn't like to leave home often either.
First thing I did was find my niece. I hugged her so tight and told her how beautiful she was.
I found out during dinner they were going out of town. I took that as confirmation for my plan because that gives me even more assurance no one will stop by. But it's also scary because I'm really gonna be on my own if I tapped out and wanted to call for help
But I'm hoping I won't.
My brother came out and I was trying to think how can I hug him without him questioning it. I can't remember how I did but I got my hug.
It was time to go so I said merry Christmas to my grandma..got one more hug from my niece.
My mom yelled oh let's take a picture. I didn't want to because I knew I looked like shit but I went ahead and took it.
As I put my coat on my mom looked at me and she kissed my face and said it's gonna be ok.
I really hope so...I said ok and left.
All I could think is I'm glad I went. And I thanked God that these are the final memories and it went well.
Once I got home and tried to calm myself to sleep my sister called.
She said she was happy I came and she enjoyed my company and she loved me.
These last couple of weeks and that last night really helped me to let go of all my anger and resentment.
I got a late merry Christmas text from my friend which surprised me. I always have to be the one to reach out but I responded the usual thanks and same to you.
Before I went back to bed I left a Instagram note saying my favorite lyrics from Before I Go
If you need me
Wanna see me
Better hurry
I'm leaving soon
To my surprise when I woke at my usual 3 am I saw my friend responded with the usual god loves you and I love you I'll reach out tomorrow.
Immediately I panic because I didn't want her to contact anyone. So i responded it's just song lyrics and not to worry.
Well so far so good. I haven't had a welfare check or any calls so I think I'm in the clear.
I began to wonder why did those lyrics set off any bells in her head. She has no idea what's going on with me. I also got a little irritated because how do you wanna save someone who
Doesn't need saving
You wouldn't even know I'm dead because you never talk to me.
What is it with people wanting to believe they are saving someone.
No real solutions just talk about how important you are, how loved you are, blah blah blah.
Funny thing is...I never said I wasn't important...I stopped caring about not being loved a long time ago...I mean of course I would love to be loved but I coped pretty well without it.
While I do question God..I never said he didn't love me.
None of that now is my reasoning for wanting to die.
I can't make them understand that I'm just done and over my life.
It's not the one I want.
It's not a qaulity life to me.
I dread every moment of being awake and pretending to be an adult.
I could see if I ever lived but my entire life has been coping and surviving.
I don't wanna do it anymore.
I packed up more stuff today.
I plan on doing a farewell video to YouTube.
I wrote a simple goodbye letter and left the passwords to my accounts.
I cut my hair.
Tomorrow is my final day. I was thinking about going to catch a early movie.
Depends how I feel when I get up.
I'm terrified out of my mind. And I know it's crazy to pray to God this works.
But I just keep repeating it's gonna work it's gonna work.
Till Tomorrow
I was ready to be alone and pack up more stuff.
But late in the day my mom called and said just come for a little bit..eat a little..get out of that apartment.
I agreed...I was hesitant because as I've said before we're not a close family. I have a lot of resentment and feel like the outsider. But I went because this would be my last chance to see my niece.
My grandma who I haven't seen in probably 2 years was there. I felt awkward because I didn't speak on arrival. But it wasn't intentional...I was just nervous to not let on and shocked because she doesn't like to leave home often either.
First thing I did was find my niece. I hugged her so tight and told her how beautiful she was.
I found out during dinner they were going out of town. I took that as confirmation for my plan because that gives me even more assurance no one will stop by. But it's also scary because I'm really gonna be on my own if I tapped out and wanted to call for help
But I'm hoping I won't.
My brother came out and I was trying to think how can I hug him without him questioning it. I can't remember how I did but I got my hug.
It was time to go so I said merry Christmas to my grandma..got one more hug from my niece.
My mom yelled oh let's take a picture. I didn't want to because I knew I looked like shit but I went ahead and took it.
As I put my coat on my mom looked at me and she kissed my face and said it's gonna be ok.
I really hope so...I said ok and left.
All I could think is I'm glad I went. And I thanked God that these are the final memories and it went well.
Once I got home and tried to calm myself to sleep my sister called.
She said she was happy I came and she enjoyed my company and she loved me.
These last couple of weeks and that last night really helped me to let go of all my anger and resentment.
I got a late merry Christmas text from my friend which surprised me. I always have to be the one to reach out but I responded the usual thanks and same to you.
Before I went back to bed I left a Instagram note saying my favorite lyrics from Before I Go
If you need me
Wanna see me
Better hurry
I'm leaving soon
To my surprise when I woke at my usual 3 am I saw my friend responded with the usual god loves you and I love you I'll reach out tomorrow.
Immediately I panic because I didn't want her to contact anyone. So i responded it's just song lyrics and not to worry.
Well so far so good. I haven't had a welfare check or any calls so I think I'm in the clear.
I began to wonder why did those lyrics set off any bells in her head. She has no idea what's going on with me. I also got a little irritated because how do you wanna save someone who
Doesn't need saving
You wouldn't even know I'm dead because you never talk to me.
What is it with people wanting to believe they are saving someone.
No real solutions just talk about how important you are, how loved you are, blah blah blah.
Funny thing is...I never said I wasn't important...I stopped caring about not being loved a long time ago...I mean of course I would love to be loved but I coped pretty well without it.
While I do question God..I never said he didn't love me.
None of that now is my reasoning for wanting to die.
I can't make them understand that I'm just done and over my life.
It's not the one I want.
It's not a qaulity life to me.
I dread every moment of being awake and pretending to be an adult.
I could see if I ever lived but my entire life has been coping and surviving.
I don't wanna do it anymore.
I packed up more stuff today.
I plan on doing a farewell video to YouTube.
I wrote a simple goodbye letter and left the passwords to my accounts.
I cut my hair.
Tomorrow is my final day. I was thinking about going to catch a early movie.
Depends how I feel when I get up.
I'm terrified out of my mind. And I know it's crazy to pray to God this works.
But I just keep repeating it's gonna work it's gonna work.
Till Tomorrow
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