I totally relate. It's reliving when I feel it will solve all my problems, when it will take away all the pain and suffering.
But then I momentarily wake up to the reality of the situation - that it doesn't really solve anything. Yes, it takes away all my crushing feelings of loss and grief over what could have been, but it also destroys everything else with it. Not only will the pain be gone, but also everything that I am. I won't be at peace, because there will be no me to experience peace. When I see it this way, it's terrifying.
Then I feel more trapped and desperate realising there's no answer, no way to truly solve my problems. And in this suffering I once again start to find comfort in the thought of death.
And then the cycle repeats, over and over.