Venting The fear or regret of missing out on what life still has to offer.

[MettleSpirit41]

Everyday is just a battle to survive and everything hurts. There is this innate sadness that persists within me, one that I can't get rid of no matter what I do. I am stuck in this vicious cycle of suicidal ideation, and I find comfort in knowing that I am just a few right steps away from achieving eternal peace. BUT BUT BUT (there is always a but) the two things that are holding me back are:
1) the fact that my pain will not actually be finished, that although I would be at peace, my pain would just be distributed amongst my family and my friends
2) the fear or regret of missing out on what life still has to offer, but I think this thought is just my SI presenting itself in the form of fear.

So along with all the other problems that make me want to ctb, I am constantly caught in this conundrum which makes it even more difficult for my already restless mind. Somehow recently I have started to develop a nihilist view of things that even if I work hard on myself and try (which, believe me I have, to the best of my abilities) and get rid of the demons of my past it would not matter at the end and would not mean anything. Everyone on this forum who has made up their mind about ctb, I would like to know how you have come to this decision and what were the obstacles you faced while deciding.

P.S.: I am confused and feeling so many things that I don't know how to describe, so if anyone finds this post confusing or boring, I apologize in advance. I just needed to vent this out and if possible, talk to someone. Peace

 

[Forever Sleep]

I think they are perfectly understandable hesitations. I expect the majority of people are struggling with the thought of how their suicide may impact loved ones.

As for the idea of regreting what could have happened in life. Again, it's understandable and something I think we have to consider- it's the major thing telling us if we really want this I expect.

I suppose I tend to look on it in a practical sense. It's not that I can't imagine living a happy life. It's more that I don't realistically think I could get the things I want to make me happy. Some things, I have actually achieved and yet- I still feel like this.

So, I suppose my feeling is that my version of a happy life requires mostly fairytale thinking and, life simply isn't like that. You gain some things at the expense of others. You have to go through things that terrify and exhaust you to try and make things better and- even that doesn't always work!

Put simply, I'm not convinced the payoff will ever be worth the effort- for me. Plus, I'm 44 and I've tried lots of things in life. I feel like I have first hand knowledge on what works and what doesn't work for me.

Plus, as far as I believe anyhow, I don't think we can regret stuff after we die. I suspect our consciousness dies with the brain. If it doesn't though- we'll surely be concentrating on our afterlife I imagine. Unless it's hell- in which case- we may well regret our decision!

But- I believe regret is what we need to deal with now. If there's stuff you still feel you want to do in life- do your best to do it. Realistically- even if we don't CTB now, these regrets could just as easily come back to haunt us when we're too old and ill to do much with our lives.

 

[MettleSpirit41]

You have to go through things that terrify and exhaust you to try and make things better and- even that doesn't always work!

This brought tears to my eyes......