Venting the fact that i dont have any doubts abt ctb makes me doubt ctb

[Sparr0w]

dumb thing but basically, im in a pretty good place right now, and in general.
uni's hard but i think i'll be able to keep my grades up, i have friends and people who'll miss me when i'm gone, and day-to-day i tend to feel fine, content even.
...and yet, my shits due to get here in mid april if it passess customs, and while i have a (potential) partner who as far as i know hasn't ordered yet, i'm tempted to ctb as soon as i get it.
i feel like should be giving life another shot, maybe try complete some big project and get some therapy then see if i still want to ctb.

but i... just don't have any doubts about it. even though my life is good, even though i could easily delay my ctb date to wait for this or that. the only thing i can think is "it's about time".

i might prove myself wrong, but i don't think i'll hesitate when the time comes.

and the fact that i have no doubts makes me doubt myself a little? like... okay i have no doubts. why not. shouldnt i have a few.


...ehhh it'll be fine in the end, i don't think i'm gonna back out or anything, just a little weirded out by myself i guess. idk i feel like i should be sticking around to force myself to think more deeply about, except like... what conclusion am i gonna come to? my lifes not that shit so i dont deserve to die? thats dumb. that i dont want to ctb? i mean, i do want to, though. thats the whole point.

maybe i should do therapy just to see if it works??? ...actually no i did that when i was like 13 and walking to and from there made me want to ctb lmao.

tldr: i dont have any doubts about whether or not to ctb (yes) but my lifes good so i feel like i should, which weirds me out a little.

 

[Ki_Nam]

If you feel that your life is good, try the recovery forum. Maybe you have a chance.

 

[Sparr0w]

If you feel that your life is good, try the recovery forum. Maybe you have a chance.

my life's been "good" all my life. it's not part of why i want to ctb, unlike a lot of other users. i gave life "another chance" three years ago... urgh, you have a point tho...

 

[Pluto]

What you say makes sense. The mind tends to second-guess just about everything in life, especially a decision of this magnitude. I pass the point of debating life vs. death when there's such immense discomfort and suffering that there's no interest in even discussing the topic. If I were in that state for long enough, I wouldn't be here, but something keeps bouncing back over and over.

In the cosmic scale of life, you can't make a wrong choice because there's nobody there to judge you. But personally, I feel that there can be value in processing repressed/hidden traumas and sorting out as much as we can before we leave.

 

[PurpleParadigm]

I think you should think about why you want to CTB. If there is no reason to do it then perhaps it is worth trying therapy.

It's possible that you feel like you have hit all of the milestones which you have aspired to hit a while back, and now that you did it's not clear what to do next. So you simply feel bored, restless, "stir crazy" on some subconcious level?

Like, this is a pro choice forum so I'm careful not to outright talk you out of it, but I think you should consider and understand why you feel that way before leaving. Look, you'll have your method ready, so from that point onwards you can leave at any point, right?

Just think about why you feel this way first.

 

[Sparr0w]

Just think about why you feel this way first.

Yeah, you're right. it's not that i don't have reasons, but they're a bit shit. yeah sure, i don't want to be elderly, but that'll be in 50+ years. i don't want to work, but i can deal with that.

i just... don't want to do things. don't want to try. but i like art, and uni hasn't been bad so far. i'm getting a bit better at actually studying, so i might be able to not super-panic at exams.

the main 2ish reasons i want to die is 1. i am shit at dealing with disappointing people and dealing with being disappointed, and 2. i have an intense want/need to die. there's a lot of things which bother me at the time but are hard to remember later, and i know i'm going to come up with 50 more later, but i'd say those are the main two. disappointment is a part of life, and no matter how often it happens, i never get used to it.

still, even with those shit reasons... do i really want to deal with uni loans and a 9-5 job 30+ years? i'm aromantic, i'm not gonna have a gf, though i might be able to find a qpr. i'll have to deal with transphobia, enbyphobia, being an autistic person in a neurotypical world... do i really want to that? i'm not sure.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

Given what you have described and the fact that you're 18, I'm just going to say that I really do think you owe it to yourself to live a little longer. That's just my opinion that you don't have to agree with.

 

[Sparr0w]

Given what you have described and the fact that you're 18, I'm just going to say that I really do think you owe it to yourself to live a little longer. That's just my opinion that you don't have to agree with.

you're probably right, yet at the same time, i don't know if i can force myself through uni only to face hell at "the real world"... as i said in my post, i'm conflicted. i feel obligated to give life a shot, but not because i have any doubts in my wish/plan to ctb.

 

[PurpleParadigm]

Yeah, you're right. it's not that i don't have reasons, but they're a bit shit. yeah sure, i don't want to be elderly, but that'll be in 50+ years. i don't want to work, but i can deal with that.

i just... don't want to do things. don't want to try. but i like art, and uni hasn't been bad so far. i'm getting a bit better at actually studying, so i might be able to not super-panic at exams.

the main 2ish reasons i want to die is 1. i am shit at dealing with disappointing people and dealing with being disappointed, and 2. i have an intense want/need to die. there's a lot of things which bother me at the time but are hard to remember later, and i know i'm going to come up with 50 more later, but i'd say those are the main two. disappointment is a part of life, and no matter how often it happens, i never get used to it.

still, even with those shit reasons... do i really want to deal with uni loans and a 9-5 job 30+ years? i'm aromantic, i'm not gonna have a gf, though i might be able to find a qpr. i'll have to deal with transphobia, enbyphobia, being an autistic person in a neurotypical world... do i really want to that? i'm not sure.

I can relate to panicking on the exams so much. For what it's worth let me tell you about when I was in uni all these years ago. Even though uni was difficult for many reasons and I often did things last moment, my coursework and lab marks were almost always really high, not seldom in the 80s and 90s but my exam marks were dogshit. In the exam room my knees would basically go, I'll shake and sweat and turn bright red (I think, I felt I was burning up), my hands would shake, my handwriting would become many times worse, and my brain would shut down totally. At the time I didn't know I had ADHD and anxiety/depression disorder I only started getting treatment for last year (ADHD still untreated I think they suspect autism). In my work life I still haven't done a single industry cert even though I did many trainings. I just can't do exams. Recently I failed an exam on ISA/IEC62443 which I know quite well because brain no worky in exam centre even on SSRI's lol. xD

However let me set your mind at ease a bit. Depending on what you study and where you go to work, work can be quite chill. Large orgs tend to be very understanding and supportive of LGBTQ+ community and currently many orgs have extensive neurodivergence training. In my current workplace we actually have one of the leading LGBTQ+ communities in the industry. Work tends to vary. I think the problem with my current job is that it is too chill with high intensity shit spread between a bunch of political and admin stuff so I'm moving to another one (mainly to sabotage myself). For someone with untreated mental health issues it kinda sucks though.

So yeah, in a nutshell, especially for non-neurotipical and LGBTQ+ person the world is pretty decent at least in the western part of the world. I think having these traits actually opens some doors because there are really strong support communities now you can lean on made up of similarly fed up people who used to be denied opportunities just for existing. My only advice if you want to give continuing on your path a shot is trying to get mental health support early and not less than a year from now like I did.

As for student loans, they don't affect you the same way a normal loan does and likely will be written off eventually as most people won't be able to pay them off. Once you get a higher paying job too they actually get paid off quite fast. The thing is you might not even want to pay it in full depending on how big it is because it'll get forgiven anyway. But in essence you can treat more like a graduate tax rather than a loan in a traditional sense.

 

[CellarBoy]

If your life is going well, and you're doubting suicide, then use the recovery forum. No need in killing yourself if you have a good chance at life.

 

[PurpleParadigm]

Also another thing about work, in interviews don't be afraid to ask about work/life balance as well as the state of their inclusion & diversity training e.g. if they have LGBTQ+ communities, neurodivergence training etc. Again, western perspective, Asia tends to be different largely.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

you're probably right, yet at the same time, i don't know if i can force myself through uni only to face hell at "the real world"... as i said in my post, i'm conflicted. i feel obligated to give life a shot, but not because i have any doubts in my wish/plan to ctb.

I don't think you've lived enough to make an informed decision to end your life. If you find that you just don't like life and all of its accompanying responsibilities, then you can make that decision but you don't know how you'll feel at that point until you reach it.

 

[Sparr0w]

I don't think you've lived enough to make an informed decision to end your life. If you find that you just don't like life and all of its accompanying responsibilities, then you can make that decision but you don't know how you'll feel at that point until you reach it.

but how long is that? a month? a year? until i finish uni? until i get into a job in my chosen field? if it's until "i feel sure in my desire to ctb", that was like 5 years ago....

if i wait until i finish uni, which is around 3 years (-the month i've been at uni), maybe 4 if i choose to do a double major, and i find that actually i don't want to live....
i've given life a shot before in highschool, when i didn't have access to reliable methods. if i miss my chance to ctb because my SN got lost somewhere and now it's not avaliable... man, i'd be pissed.


to be fair, my shit isnt arriving for another month or so, and if i choose to go with the partner, it'll take another month for their shit to arrive. i have time to back out.

i've long since made peace with the harm my death will cause, and i'm tired of delaying it. if my life's so good now and i still want to ctb...

at the same time, yall have a point, and i know you're only saying "please try recovery" since you don't want someone who had doubts and had a good life ahead of them to ctb. even though my only "doubt" is my lack of doubt-

...at least i'd have time to complete my "find every SN goodbye/fail thread and stats the shit out of it" idea? lol.

 

[LaVieEnRose]

but how long is that? a month? a year? until i finish uni? until i get into a job in my chosen field? if it's until "i feel sure in my desire to ctb", that was like 5 years ago....

if i wait until i finish uni, which is around 3 years (-the month i've been at uni), maybe 4 if i choose to do a double major, and i find that actually i don't want to live....
i've given life a shot before in highschool, when i didn't have access to reliable methods. if i miss my chance to ctb because my SN got lost somewhere and now it's not avaliable... man, i'd be pissed.


to be fair, my shit isnt arriving for another month or so, and if i choose to go with the partner, it'll take another month for their shit to arrive. i have time to back out.

i've long since made peace with the harm my death will cause, and i'm tired of delaying it. if my life's so good now and i still want to ctb...

at the same time, yall have a point, and i know you're only saying "please try recovery" since you don't want someone who had doubts and had a good life ahead of them to ctb. even though my only "doubt" is my lack of doubt-

...at least i'd have time to complete my "find every SN goodbye/fail thread and stats the shit out of it" idea? lol.

Mid-20's is a good reassessment point. I believe you can generally make a reasonable prediction of what your future will look like at that point.

Well, this forum as you surely know has received a lot of criticism for letting people your age die but even beyond that I don't think it's wrong to probe a bit. Ultimately you have free agency over what you do.

 

[FuneralCry]

After all, only you can decide what is best, it's not really anyone else's place to dictate who should be allowed to end their own life or not, as they aren't experiencing your life or anyone else's. Suicide is a completely personal decision and nobody should be obligated to exist. But it must be a relief knowing that soon your method will be arriving so you have the choice and you aren't trapped here. I wish you the best.

 

[feels_like_rain]

I can relate to so much of this, especially feeling like a burden to others. I'm not trying to talk you out of it, but i do feel like it is worth a try to wait. Maybe you can find a therapist you click with? I went to a lot of therapists when i was younger and none helped at all. You could still give it a try, even for a little while, just in case. And if you don't want to go that route, it wouldn't hurt to try the recovery section. Or even post more on this section.
Please remember there is nothing wrong with waiting, even a little. You don't have to commit to waiting a certain length of time, but personlly i think it's worth it to give it some more thought even for a little while, and maybe get more perspective from others, even if it's just on here. I love that we have this forum as a safe space to talk about things like this without being judged.
I wish you all the best