Discussion The extremes of my mind

[Gardener59]

So I've had these thoughts of wanting to ctb as long as I can remember. I have no physical or financial afflictions but just a psychological one.

I am a Christian and also has a homo which must not help

It doesn't matter whether I abstain or have sex. It doesn't matter whether I'm happy or sad. I always want to die and most would never know.

I am pretty good at concealing it behind a smile and a successful life but at the end of the day I don't want to be here anymore

 

[Guizin239]

i envy you
i wish i was also successful and had a bf

 

[charlottewilts]

Dear Gardener59, i am very sorry you have found yourself on this forum. looking through your posts, i've found that you're a Christian and that you have a boyfriend.

having a boyfriend is not against the Bible; you can find many pages online that refute the belief that being gay is a sin.

if you are a fervent believer, i am sure you can find strength through God to stay alive and to bring as much good to the world as you can. the world is wretched and it could use many believers as you as possible. if your only concern is being attracted to the same sex, please feel free to reach out to me. love is the purest feeling one can feel, and God would never punish you for loving and cherishing another man or woman. best wishes

 

[LittleJem]

Hello Gardener59

I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts on this....

I personally think that it is likely that our sexual preferences are genetic.https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/04/28/is-being-gay-or-lesbian-genetic/
From the animal kingdom, to humans, there are gay people (and animals) in every era and culture, so it appears that being gay is entirely part of nature. I would also question why people are created Gay by God, if this is not a natural expression of nature. Would God be so cruel as to make people Gay, and at the same time make being gay a sin?

I am not a Christian - in my religious roots, (Judaism) it can also be difficult to be gay - if you are in the Liberal or Reform or maybe Modern Orthodox sects of Judaism, then you will be accepted and welcomed, but in the more Orthodox sections, unfortunately, that isn't the case. A friend of my ex-husbands got married to a woman and had three children, before he came out as gay - for this reason. He is now getting married to his boyfriend and very much in love. He is "lucky" in that he still sees his children - unfortunately when you leave any cult, this is not always the case.

With regards to wanting to die - have you tried any medications for this? I have tried 2 medications so far for my constant suicidal thoughts. At the moment, I am taking St John's Wort, which is helping me more than medication so far. I take 66mg 3 x a day, and also DLPA (1000 mg) in the mornings. Apparently this combo works like a herbal version of Effexor! I am going to add Bacopa and Creatine. I definitely feel better than I have ever felt on this so far. In the past, I have only had some relief from weed (before I started trying medication) but I know from experience that wanting to die thoughts for me are entirely my shoddy brain chemistry, and when my brain chemistry changes, these thoughts disappear. So I do hope you are trying things to help and support your brain chemistry.

I have been very suicidal all year - and for many years - but am still giving this a bit more time to try and see if I can get better. I will share anything I find that is helpful in the "Recovery" section of this forum.

On that note - I wonder if there are Christian groups for Gay men that you could join, to find some brotherhood. I am sure these exist and you are not the only Christian who is gay.

with all best wishes
I just found this from a Pastor and quite liked it: https://twospirits.blogspot.com/
and also this: https://time.com/2842044/gay-christians/

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I think it's amazing that being gay is still thought of as a sin by anyone. Seriously, haven't we gotten beyond that sort of thinking yet.
I do actually have a contoversial thought on this. I have wondered if the percentage rate of homosexuality increases as the population density of an animal species increases. It would act as a natural homeostatic feedback mechanism to help reduce population growth. I believe homosexuality is a perfectly natural and normal facet of any sexual animal.

 

[BlueWidow]

Being gay is NOT a sin! That is just people misquoting and misinterpreting the Bible.

People like to take passages of the Bible and pull them out of context to use them for their own purposes. And you can find passages in the Bible that contradict each other all over the place. It was written by several different people. There's no way that it all could match because were so many different people who contributed to it.
People try to read it like it's one long book written by one person. It's not, it's a series of stories and recollections written by many different people. Each one of them has their own interpretations of the events they are describing.
I won't debate whether it was ordained by God or whatever because I don't want to get into that, and whether it was ordained by God or not doesn't matter, because it was actually written by people- ie human beings- who had their own faults and biases.

 

[Gardener59]

Dear Gardener59, i am very sorry you have found yourself on this forum. looking through your posts, i've found that you're a Christian and that you have a boyfriend.

having a boyfriend is not against the Bible; you can find many pages online that refute the belief that being gay is a sin.

if you are a fervent believer, i am sure you can find strength through God to stay alive and to bring as much good to the world as you can. the world is wretched and it could use many believers as you as possible. if your only concern is being attracted to the same sex, please feel free to reach out to me. love is the purest feeling one can feel, and God would never punish you for loving and cherishing another man or woman. best wishes

Wow thank you so much. Oddly I do not feel conviction for loving this man. We have gotten closer and closer and his love compels me to stay alive just as the love of Jesus should have been compelling me to stay alive along. I get stuck in my own thoughts about me me me when I want to ctb but when my thoughts are turned outward I always see a reason to keep going.

I think it's amazing that being gay is still thought of as a sin by anyone. Seriously, haven't we gotten beyond that sort of thinking yet.
I do actually have a contoversial thought on this. I have wondered if the percentage rate of homosexuality increases as the population density of an animal species increases. It would act as a natural homeostatic feedback mechanism to help reduce population growth. I believe homosexuality is a perfectly natural and normal facet of any sexual animal.
[/QUOT
I am intrigued by this thought and you may just be right and I believe there are many different factors that can a make someone this way, whether from birth or whatever but it is definitely part of the bigger picture

Hello Gardener59

I hope you don't mind me sharing my thoughts on this....

I personally think that it is likely that our sexual preferences are genetic.https://www.pinknews.co.uk/2017/04/28/is-being-gay-or-lesbian-genetic/
From the animal kingdom, to humans, there are gay people (and animals) in every era and culture, so it appears that being gay is entirely part of nature. I would also question why people are created Gay by God, if this is not a natural expression of nature. Would God be so cruel as to make people Gay, and at the same time make being gay a sin?

I am not a Christian - in my religious roots, (Judaism) it can also be difficult to be gay - if you are in the Liberal or Reform or maybe Modern Orthodox sects of Judaism, then you will be accepted and welcomed, but in the more Orthodox sections, unfortunately, that isn't the case. A friend of my ex-husbands got married to a woman and had three children, before he came out as gay - for this reason. He is now getting married to his boyfriend and very much in love. He is "lucky" in that he still sees his children - unfortunately when you leave any cult, this is not always the case.

With regards to wanting to die - have you tried any medications for this? I have tried 2 medications so far for my constant suicidal thoughts. At the moment, I am taking St John's Wort, which is helping me more than medication so far. I take 66mg 3 x a day, and also DLPA (1000 mg) in the mornings. Apparently this combo works like a herbal version of Effexor! I am going to add Bacopa and Creatine. I definitely feel better than I have ever felt on this so far. In the past, I have only had some relief from weed (before I started trying medication) but I know from experience that wanting to die thoughts for me are entirely my shoddy brain chemistry, and when my brain chemistry changes, these thoughts disappear. So I do hope you are trying things to help and support your brain chemistry.

I have been very suicidal all year - and for many years - but am still giving this a bit more time to try and see if I can get better. I will share anything I find that is helpful in the "Recovery" section of this forum.

On that note - I wonder if there are Christian groups for Gay men that you could join, to find some brotherhood. I am sure these exist and you are not the only Christian who is gay.

with all best wishes
I just found this from a Pastor and quite liked it: https://twospirits.blogspot.com/
and also this: https://time.com/2842044/gay-christians/

I appreciate the links. I have downloaded them so I can read them more carefully. It may have something to do with brain chemistry. I have someone that thinks it is caused from a head injury from when I was only 18 months old.
Anyway I hope that everything goes well for you. Community is a great thing and maybe all of us can help keep each other alive. I really like this site

Being gay is NOT a sin! That is just people misquoting and misinterpreting the Bible.

People like to take passages of the Bible and pull them out of context to use them for their own purposes. And you can find passages in the Bible that contradict each other all over the place. It was written by several different people. There's no way that it all could match because were so many different people who contributed to it.
People try to read it like it's one long book written by one person. It's not, it's a series of stories and recollections written by many different people. Each one of them has their own interpretations of the events they are describing.
I won't debate whether it was ordained by God or whatever because I don't want to get into that, and whether it was ordained by God or not doesn't matter, because it was actually written by people- ie human beings- who had their own faults and biases.

I've had that thought too. Like were they really sure they wrote down what God willed them to write down? But that is where faith comes into play, like having faith that a bridge we cross each day isn't going to collapse as we pass over it.