Discussion The ethics of wanting to date someone as a suicidal person

[shouldbedirt]

I'm not really asking if it's ethical to want to date people while hiding the fact that you're suicidal, I've already decided it's not unless you are actively trying to get better. But I do want to hear other people's opinions on it...

For context on why I'm curious about people's opinions on this, here's a bit of personal background, feel free to skip:
For a few years now, I have decided that either sooner or later, I am likely going to kill myself. Ideally I want to finish a few goals and live a simple comfortable life for at least a year. But I know realistically this probably won't happen. Everything I want to do will take years to complete if at all. If things get too bad I will take myself out ASAP.

My problem is even knowing all this, knowing there's nothing I can do to make my life worth living short term let alone long term, knowing it's bad enough having the family members I care about deal with this, my brain has latched onto someone. one of my close-ish friends. I keep finding myself trying to get closer to him despite everything logical in me screaming NOT to. I wouldn't say I love him, not yet anyway, but I know I need to back away... it's hard. It feels childish. I had gotten out of an extremely abusive and toxic relationship about 3 years ago... it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I still have severe trust issues. This person my brain has latched onto was the only one on my side through 100% of it. Even after I was awful and resentful and lashed out at everyone. I fear that might be the reason I'm fixated on him. He almost feels safe to me. I feel like he's the only real friend I've got sometimes, despite us not being very close. He forgave me even though I still can't forgive myself. this fucking sucks actually. these feelings don't excite me anymore. I'm just terrified. I'm terrified of hurting people and being hurt.

This turned into a bit of a vent. Sorry about that.

 

[avalokitesvara]

You are a very caring and thoughtful person to have these kinds of thoughts. In my opinion, we are beings of love. We all need love. It's natural that we become attached to certain special people and want to have love and intimacy with them. No one no matter how fucked up they are should be considered undeserving of that human closeness and connection.
The price we pay as beings of love is loss. Every single person who loves will also experience loss. Even the most mentally healthy person has no idea what might happen when they start dating someone. One of you could get cancer or hit by a truck tomorrow. Even if you had decades together then eventually one of you will die first. So please don't deny yourself something meaningful and beautiful just because you think you might die soon. We all have the capacity to hurt and be hurt. It's ok. It's also ok to be ambivalent because you've been hurt before and want to avoid more pain. This is all normal and human.

It sounds like you understand your motivations regarding this person very well and that it may be a form of trauma bonding. I think you are wise to approach this situation with some caution. But if there is a genuine connection there don't stifle it just because you're not sure about the future or feel like you shouldn't have those kinds of experiences as a suicidal person.

 

[shouldbedirt]

You are a very caring and thoughtful person to have these kinds of thoughts. In my opinion, we are beings of love. We all need love. It's natural that we become attached to certain special people and want to have love and intimacy with them. No one no matter how fucked up they are should be considered undeserving of that human closeness and connection.
The price we pay as beings of love is loss. Every single person who loves will also experience loss. Even the most mentally healthy person has no idea what might happen when they start dating someone. One of you could get cancer or hit by a truck tomorrow. Even if you had decades together then eventually one of you will die first. So please don't deny yourself something meaningful and beautiful just because you think you might die soon. We all have the capacity to hurt and be hurt. It's ok. It's also ok to be ambivalent because you've been hurt before and want to avoid more pain. This is all normal and human.

It sounds like you understand your motivations regarding this person very well and that it may be a form of trauma bonding. I think you are wise to approach this situation with some caution. But if there is a genuine connection there don't stifle it just because you're not sure about the future or feel like you shouldn't have those kinds of experiences as a suicidal person.

Ah, it's you again... thank you for the thoughts and advice.

I'm not very sure what to say, I tend to be pessimistic and distrustful whenever something nice is offered up to me but I think going forward... if I ever do act on these feelings I will be upfront and honest about my ideations at least. I will remain cautious.

I can't say I agree with everything you say but I appreciate the thoughtfulness nonetheless. Thank you very much

 

[TheHolySword]

To be honest, I personally couldn't do it. I met the girl of my dreams, she was perfect and she made my life the best it had ever been. She made me happy. We never officially started dating though. And the reason for that is I destroyed everything with her. Despite how truly wonderful she was and how much better she made my life, I was still too far gone. I still wanted to die. I still needed to ctb, and I knew I was going to. I wanted to save her from that heartbreak, from that pain. And I think a lot about if I made the right decision, how different things might be right now. It's okay to give yourself a chance and see what might happen. Dont do what I did, don't take that away from yourself. I put myself in the grave with that decision.

 

[shouldbedirt]

To be honest, I personally couldn't do it. I met the girl of my dreams, she was perfect and she made my life the best it had ever been. She made me happy. We never officially started dating though. And the reason for that is I destroyed everything with her. Despite how truly wonderful she was and how much better she made my life, I was still too far gone. I still wanted to die. I still needed to ctb, and I knew I was going to. I wanted to save her from that heartbreak, from that pain. And I think a lot about if I made the right decision, how different things might be right now. It's okay to give yourself a chance and see what might happen. Dont do what I did, don't take that away from yourself. I put myself in the grave with that decision.

I understand how you feel... the guilt that wells up... I wish you luck and peace.

 

[CallmeWill4719]

For better or worse I was "dating" someone on here who just broke up with me because of their own self-loathing. Whether he actually killed himself or not this post really resonated with me because yes it is really really bad for suicidal people to try to meet other people but it's like we're human and we get lonely. I fear what he did to me he's going to do to someone else and I know that's not my problem but yeah it's not ethical at all. I'm the exact same way but at least I was willing to give you a shot but yeah it's just not fun for anybody I guess. We all seek some kind of comfort in someone who knows exactly what we go through, But the only problem is that can backfire because they have their own stuff to deal with on top of yours and vice versa. I just learned this the hard way personally and I guess you did too. I'm still in a depressed state. This post just really got to because it's just accurate.

 

[Sutter]

I'm not really asking if it's ethical to want to date people while hiding the fact that you're suicidal, I've already decided it's not unless you are actively trying to get better. But I do want to hear other people's opinions on it...

For context on why I'm curious about people's opinions on this, here's a bit of personal background, feel free to skip:
For a few years now, I have decided that either sooner or later, I am likely going to kill myself. Ideally I want to finish a few goals and live a simple comfortable life for at least a year. But I know realistically this probably won't happen. Everything I want to do will take years to complete if at all. If things get too bad I will take myself out ASAP.

My problem is even knowing all this, knowing there's nothing I can do to make my life worth living short term let alone long term, knowing it's bad enough having the family members I care about deal with this, my brain has latched onto someone. one of my close-ish friends. I keep finding myself trying to get closer to him despite everything logical in me screaming NOT to. I wouldn't say I love him, not yet anyway, but I know I need to back away... it's hard. It feels childish. I had gotten out of an extremely abusive and toxic relationship about 3 years ago... it still feels like yesterday sometimes. I still have severe trust issues. This person my brain has latched onto was the only one on my side through 100% of it. Even after I was awful and resentful and lashed out at everyone. I fear that might be the reason I'm fixated on him. He almost feels safe to me. I feel like he's the only real friend I've got sometimes, despite us not being very close. He forgave me even though I still can't forgive myself. this fucking sucks actually. these feelings don't excite me anymore. I'm just terrified. I'm terrified of hurting people and being hurt.

This turned into a bit of a vent. Sorry about that.

Black cat.

To each his/her own, but woe to the one drowning that disregards the life they take. Receiving another's heart is as serious as life or death, never lightly done. Chewed up and on a bit from life I look more the hobo versus the regal Fox. Giving or receiving a heart means well groomed in all aspects of a persons character inside, to the best of their ability…Offering a heart giving with as much promise as was received. Scarred versus an open wound, healed as crooked or set as a soul can be would be a fair gesture.

Love though, like a black cat on a moonless night, does what it wants. It is often not convenient, timely, considerate, or ignored. Many times at a first look and smell lavender is like any other flower seen, but a light passing of open fingers through the shoots and leaves, rustling and pulling a hand away, will show the intense essence of lavender. Black as a midnight cat and crafty as lavender love is an assassin of reason and prudence.

Are the scars healed enough? Can what was given be returned in kind? Hard questions deserve a thought, luck or damnation though as you may see it, you could find a black cat on the darkest night passing through the essence of lavender, with a firm gaze and a sharp claws stalking your own unsuspecting heart.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

The people that get ahead in this world couldn't care less about ethics. Why should any of us? Get what you want. I suppose if you want to be considerate you can be up front about it. Once relationship possibilities become apparent, just tell the person you are a certain personality type. If the they like you enough and still wish to proceed, that's on them.

 

[Warlord's Pulse]

In my case it's not exactly dating or anything romantic, but I got much more close to my friends and made my family proud, they're so oblivious about everything
They can't help me, so I can't be sorry

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I'm only suicidal BECAUSE I can't enter a relationship so if by some miracle I did get into one, I wouldn't really have to worry about it anymore. It's just far too impossible for me at this point though. I'm already almost 31 and have yet to even go on a single date and the constant yearning and agonizing loneliness is enough to make me wish I was no longer alive to experience those.

 

[ScaredOfMachines]

Like avalokitesvara said, you shouldn't deprive yourself of love because you're thinking of dying soon. Every time someone tries to bond or begin a relationship with someone else, they know that relationship has a high chance of failing. You could get into a fight, slowly drift away, break up, etc. Death applies to that as well. Just because you have a higher chance of dying doesn't mean you should be unable to form relationships. Humans are creatures that love to socialize and grow closer, and denying yourself that means you lose a part of what it's like to be human.

Like you, I do feel a lot of guilt about continuing to talk to the few people I have. But at the same time, I feel like pushing them away would make them feel worse in the end. Like that they could have done something to help, or given me hope of some sort. But if I never really let them know and let things stay the way they are now, then it's all on me for not seeking help, and they stay blissfully unaware until my time comes.

 

[avalokitesvara]

I've come back to this and thought some more. During my only long term relationship I was suicidal. I had several crises of active intent and most of the rest of the time it was ambient/passive. I didn't have a plan but I thought I was probably going to do it at some point. I struggled with my self hatred and how to be in a loving relationship and it was very hard for my gf to cope with that. She had her own MH issues with anxiety but she really couldn't understand the depths of my suicidality. In the end we couldn't sustain our relationship bc of these issues even though we loved each other a lot. Would I go back and decide to not be with her bc of my mental state and bc of what happened in the end? Not in a million years. I do believe in "better to have loved and lost". I also wouldn't change the fact that we broke up, because it left her free to find someone else who is better for her. I think I kind of killed myself by letting her go, I think I never really recovered properly. But I'm still glad I got to love her.

 

[lacustra]

I have given people false hope in the past. But it was more from a place of naivety than malice. I don't do that now. I'm upfront about my struggles, so people have an idea what they might be getting into. Almost everyone steers clear, and I'm glad.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I disagree. I personally don't date because I'm mentally drained and over life and waiting to die. I refuse to drag someone down with me, it's unfair.

I feel we shouldn't date if we aren't together ourselves. It seems people will see the beauty in us even when we don't. People are willing to date us and help us through this no matter how long it takes. I think it's unfair because all I want to do is sleep and cry. I wish I could get better but I can't.
I think if you do decide to date then be honest and say I have these ideas. If he is willing to accept that, then move forward. You never know, he may have the same thought too.

 

[nihilistic_dragon]

The way I personally see it, until the time I start making real preparations, life goes on as usual.

However, I must say that I am trying to date someone right now and while he is a great person, I regret us not meeting earlier. I am too far gone now. Even a year ago would have been better. I underestimated how dead I actually am now. I even lost my sex drive completely. It's like my body is preparing for death already, my mind was ready a long time ago. I don't want to hurt him but I guess I will end up anyway, mostly unintentionally. I should let him go now, I know. But I can't bring myself to do it just yet, I really enjoy spending time with him.

He will not solve any of my problems. Neither will he give meaning to my life. So this doesn't have a future either way. I don't have a future. Death is my future.

One day I hope I have the courage to stop being a lazy cowardly fool and let him go and start making my ctb preparations.

 

[noname37]

I would never date anyone or let them get close to me, not that it will ever happen anyways. I realize it would be incredibly selfish and I would just be dragging them down anyways.

 

[shouldbedirt]

I disagree. I personally don't date because I'm mentally drained and over life and waiting to die. I refuse to drag someone down with me, it's unfair.

I feel we shouldn't date if we aren't together ourselves. It seems people will see the beauty in us even when we don't. People are willing to date us and help us through this no matter how long it takes. I think it's unfair because all I want to do is sleep and cry. I wish I could get better but I can't.
I think if you do decide to date then be honest and say I have these ideas. If he is willing to accept that, then move forward. You never know, he may have the same thought too.

Not sure exactly what you disagree with, as this is the point of my whole post. I agree with you.

In my case it's not exactly dating or anything romantic, but I got much more close to my friends and made my family proud, they're so oblivious about everything
They can't help me, so I can't be sorry

It's much the same for me, I can't do anything about my family but the urge to intentionally seek out closeness with my friends is what has me the most conflicted.