Venting the endless loop

[nomotels1443]

It's me again. I'm always stuck in an endless loop. When I think I finally have hope for my life, I see something that takes me back to reality. Something that reminds me what awaits in my future; how the inevitable awaits me.
I open my nightstand drawer and see the bottle of SN sitting quietly in the right corner. It's like it has eyes. It's like it calls to me. It tells me that I am trapped in an endless loop of despair and hope, but despair will triumph in the end.
I've tried so much. Every method of "help" that is out there, except for the mental hospital. That place would just be my last straw honestly, I think going there will only make things worse
Everything is piecing together. The attacks against people like me, the dwindling connections between me and everyone I knew in my first 17 years of life, hell, even my favorite hockey team. They might just win the Stanley Cup this year. I joked to myself I wouldn't die until I watched them win. It might just happen. Silly coincidence? Yeah, but just more motive for me.
I don't know how long I'm gonna be trapped in this cycle. Time marches on while the SN bottle awaits me in the same place during every second of my day.

 

[YungWetto]

I share the same suffering, maybe even in the same words. Everything is temporary - living and dying are truly inevitable moments in the end, like all others.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry you have to go through this feeling being trapped in an endless cycle that cannot be broken. I feel with you, I'm in a similar situation, trapped in an endless cycle that cannot be broken, though my reasons are different to yours.

You say "I've tried so much", May I ask you: Do you know the source and the reason of your suffering?

The problem with most mental illnesses is that people and doctors neither know the reason nor the source of them. Only when the reason and source of the "illness" is known and can be cured or eliminated then there is a chance to start a healing process with the appropriate therapy and / or medications that can bring success.

I hope you can recover and breake the cycle you are trapped in. Anyway CTB is always a legal and respected option for me under certain circumstances. I wish you all the best!

 

[iceteadrinker]

i have passed this period before, i think from there you either go up, shine and have a goodlife somehow; or to ctb. i ended up with the latter. it will happen soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

I think it's true that in this world hope is just a delusion to inevitably lead to more suffering once one is finally forced to face the harsh reality of this cruel existence. It must be tiring feeling trapped in that situation but I do see those who have the option of a reliable method such as SN as being fortunate, I wish you the best.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your suffering and yes, being in the state of limbo is one of the worst feelings because of the feeling of being stuck, not able to do anything. I hope you will be able to find the peace you are looking for someday.

 

[Slasher]

I just accepted that I'll always be depressed then happy for a little bit then something brings me back to reality and breaks my delusion of hope and repeat the loop. I don't enjoy or have these episodes of happiness as much after realizing I'll be back to floor 0 in a matter of days or hours but I definetly understand where you're coming from.