The end of youth

[OnMyLast Legs]

Hi, everyone. I'm 35 and I live like a child. Since a psychotic episode six years ago I've stayed with my dad. My only "job" is coaching high school wrestling. It gets me out of bed most mornings and I still work out for myself but I know I'll never be competitive again. The wrestling thing has pretty clearly been psychological regression: having failed to become an adult, I went back to running my teenage operating system.

For 15 years since I quit in college I've had this dream in the back of my mind: I'll come back, I'll get into great shape, I'll achieve glory after all. But I won't. I had talent and I discarded it. (I thought I was becoming some kind of intellectual--turns out it was just bipolar mania and the Dunning-Kruger effect.)

I've always cared a lot about being a muscular guy. I do not have a strong personality, so I rely on my body for confidence. But it's clearly not what it was. And it doesn't make me money. If I'm going to survive, I'll have to rely on my mind like most people.

Has anyone made it through such a transition? How do I accept aging and let go? I need to finish the last 10% of college and start some kind of white collar work. I probably still have the IQ for it, though I've lost some through depression and pot smoking.

My main problem is regret, and memories of an often-beautiful but ultimately wasted youth. I've had little tastes of a kind of happiness that will never return. I was jacked, and my hair hadn't fallen out. I dated smart and beautiful women who are now very successful (thanks, Google). My friends were brilliantly intelligent. I'm a tired bald guy on food stamps who opens his eyes before dawn every morning and immediately thinks of death.

How do I go on?

Thanks for reading my long, self-indulgent post. Maybe other people here can commiserate, or even offer advice.

 

[Alexei_Kirillov]

I'm only 24 but dealing with the same, grieving the loss of things I can never get back (both in body and mind), time I can never regain. All I can offer is commiseration, but wishing you the best.

 

[Tired_of_myself]

I feel you… sometimes I remember all the opportunities I've got and I feel like a failure… sometimes I feel like I didn't cared enough to be successful when I was younger… now I understand I was already depressed since my youth years and never thought I would be here until now to be honest… when I understood that, my guilty became more bearable to life with. Wish you the best, fuck everyone's opinion about success and be yourself

 

[lebrodude]

Yeah I get what you are saying.
I feel the same, I'm 43 and I'm haunted by the wasted potential I had due to various bad decisions and other reasons.

Regret I think is one of the most painful emotions you can experience.

 

[savory]

Holy shit the sincerity of your post. 10% of college left and going the white collar route doesn't sound bad. You're inclined to be physically active so with a desk job you could possibly sustain a balanced lifestyle. Personally I can't imagine a desk job considering my work preferences and restlessness, but if I had nearly as much education to get my foot in the door like you do, I might give it a shot. Maybe find a position more on the go.

I don't know you or your life but based off what you wrote I'm actually a little envious. Maybe you don't have a big personality, I wouldn't know, however I can tell you're smart. You tell it like it is and articulate yourself very well. I don't know, just get the vibe maybe you need to take a leap of faith, try something different and try to regain a new confidence in yourself.