Story The end is near : I hope it doesn't hurt

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

This is part 2 of my vent / story and now Plan. Part 3 will simply say goodbye and thank you.

I knew the day was coming... Today I woke up and looked around at my empty home. My home that was once full of so many smiles, and so much love. Everyday was a new adventure with the people i loved and cherished.

My health is getting worse and of course all the doctors want to do is throw more symptom masking drugs at me. I am only 44 years old, and to some of you, you will think that is old. But trust me when you are 44 you still have the mind of a 20 year old. I had so much more i wanted to do, so much more I wanted to live.

We all have a breaking point, and I have reached mine...

I have 3 methods I can use. Even the method everyone is seeking, but I would never be able to drink that much without gagging, i just know me and when i measured out the full dose in just water i was amazed at how much it was. There are to many failures with CO. So that leaves me with pig poison. I am going to follow the guide to the letter but use a 1 time Stat dose instead of the 2 day prep. Only because I had a bad reaction to meto and I have no other drug options,

I think if I had done more research i would have gone with a different antiemetic... There is no time for that now.



When I say I hope it doesn't hurt... I am not worried about the head or stomach pain. I am just affraid of the feeling of suffocation while still being partially aware.

I guess no matter what 20 or 30 minutes of possible anxiety and pain is the logical choice over living out the rest of my days alone with this affliction... I would have fought it everyday and died from it naturally if only I had my loved ones with me.

If any of you have someone that loves you or that you love, hold on to them. I have had a lot of things in my life other people dream of. I have been privelaged. Material things.. money, cars, living by the beach, i even had a period in my life where a band i played in achieved a minor amount of fame in the United States...I hung out with famous musicians, and then when my band fizzled out (we only had 1 good song LOL) i went on to run a successful custom home construction company. I look at all of those things now, my memories, with tears pouring down my face so fast my vision is blurred , i think about all that ever really mattered was my friends and my family , my step kids, and my wife. I dont find myself thinking about my car, minor fame, or any of that. I think about eating pizza and playing video games with my step kids, walking hand in hand with my wife. This is my 2nd Christmas alone. Its just to much...

I always thought somehow my body would fight this off, i thought my wife would ask me to come home, I at least thought one of those things would happen, but they didn't and now I live with the crippling depression as a result.

I can tell you, all that really matters in this life is love and friends and family , and health as long as you have any of those things life is worth living. Life is worth fighting for, and if you're young , you still have so much time to find those things.

I set my date , it is soon. I will PM an admin right before the end and post a simple goodbye thread.

I am naturally a very giving person, I have never really asked for anything from anyone and I have always tried to encourage and support people and help those in need. I never did those things for praise, most of the time I did them anonymously. But now I am going to ask for something for me... a selfish request. Whether you believe in god, or energy fields, or quantum physics, are an atheist, or just think the universe is ruled by a cat. Please pray that this method works for me, and that it is fast and I don't suffer to much and i find my way to a good safe place. Rationally I don't know if that will make a difference but it will bring me comfort just knowing you are out there wishing it for me.

If there is a great beyond, I will make sure i say Hi and give a hug to all those that came before me.

The accounts of this method seems to be described as drinking sea water then a rapid heart rate , then we don't hear from those people... it is my hope that is the point in which our brains shut down. Because if something really bad happens those people would have no way to tell us. Regardless it is my only real way out.

Sorry to be such a downer on Christmas, I am just so alone, sick, and broken now.

I wish you all recovery, happiness, and long full lives full of joy and friendship.

 

[LMLN]

I am so sorry you have come to this point. I wish you peace and love whatever you decide. ❤❤❤
Of course I will pray for you.

 

[Squiddy]

I wish you peace

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

I wish for your safe travel to be as painless as possible❤❤

 

[Carina]

I do hope that whatever you chose as the final choice in everything, you find peace with it.

We're close in age too, and I still think of myself as "25" even though really 43.

 

[AbsoluteNothingness]

I hope you find peace. Wishing you all the best.

 

[Skyview]

When it is time , you will find the peace you seek

 

[Jean4]

My thought. The pain can't be worse than what I am feeling now, and I won't remember it.

 

[BlueWidow]

This is part 2 of my vent / story and now Plan. Part 3 will simply say goodbye and thank you.

I knew the day was coming... Today I woke up and looked around at my empty home. My home that was once full of so many smiles, and so much love. Everyday was a new adventure with the people i loved and cherished.

My health is getting worse and of course all the doctors want to do is throw more symptom masking drugs at me. I am only 44 years old, and to some of you, you will think that is old. But trust me when you are 44 you still have the mind of a 20 year old. I had so much more i wanted to do, so much more I wanted to live.

We all have a breaking point, and I have reached mine...

I have 3 methods I can use. Even the method everyone is seeking, but I would never be able to drink that much without gagging, i just know me and when i measured out the full dose in just water i was amazed at how much it was. There are to many failures with CO. So that leaves me with pig poison. I am going to follow the guide to the letter but use a 1 time Stat dose instead of the 2 day prep. Only because I had a bad reaction to meto and I have no other drug options,

I think if I had done more research i would have gone with a different antiemetic... There is no time for that now.



When I say I hope it doesn't hurt... I am not worried about the head or stomach pain. I am just affraid of the feeling of suffocation while still being partially aware.

I guess no matter what 20 or 30 minutes of possible anxiety and pain is the logical choice over living out the rest of my days alone with this affliction... I would have fought it everyday and died from it naturally if only I had my loved ones with me.

If any of you have someone that loves you or that you love, hold on to them. I have had a lot of things in my life other people dream of. I have been privelaged. Material things.. money, cars, living by the beach, i even had a period in my life where a band i played in achieved a minor amount of fame in the United States...I hung out with famous musicians, and then when my band fizzled out (we only had 1 good song LOL) i went on to run a successful custom home construction company. I look at all of those things now, my memories, with tears pouring down my face so fast my vision is blurred , i think about all that ever really mattered was my friends and my family , my step kids, and my wife. I dont find myself thinking about my car, minor fame, or any of that. I think about eating pizza and playing video games with my step kids, walking hand in hand with my wife. This is my 2nd Christmas alone. Its just to much...

I always thought somehow my body would fight this off, i thought my wife would ask me to come home, I at least thought one of those things would happen, but they didn't and now I live with the crippling depression as a result.

I can tell you, all that really matters in this life is love and friends and family , and health as long as you have any of those things life is worth living. Life is worth fighting for, and if you're young , you still have so much time to find those things.

I set my date , it is soon. I will PM an admin right before the end and post a simple goodbye thread.

I am naturally a very giving person, I have never really asked for anything from anyone and I have always tried to encourage and support people and help those in need. I never did those things for praise, most of the time I did them anonymously. But now I am going to ask for something for me... a selfish request. Whether you believe in god, or energy fields, or quantum physics, are an atheist, or just think the universe is ruled by a cat. Please pray that this method works for me, and that it is fast and I don't suffer to much and i find my way to a good safe place. Rationally I don't know if that will make a difference but it will bring me comfort just knowing you are out there wishing it for me.

If there is a great beyond, I will make sure i say Hi and give a hug to all those that came before me.

The accounts of this method seems to be described as drinking sea water then a rapid heart rate , then we don't hear from those people... it is my hope that is the point in which our brains shut down. Because if something really bad happens those people would have no way to tell us. Regardless it is my only real way out.

Sorry to be such a downer on Christmas, I am just so alone, sick, and broken now.

I wish you all recovery, happiness, and long full lives full of joy and friendship.

I'm so sorry your life has come to this. I could relate to much of what you said. I'm a little bit older than you, 50, but I still in some ways I feel like I'm about 12. I still like to watch cartoons and eat candy. When I actually was a child, my life was not very happy, so I've spent most of my adulthood trying to recapture my lost childhood.
I also had a wonderful person who made me feel truly loved for the first time in my life. Now that he's gone, I have no reason to go on. And, like you, I also have health issues that doctors don't really seem to want to take seriously or treat properly.
I will be sending you thoughts and prayers and support. I hope the process goes smoothly for you and you find the peace and the pain free end that you are seeking.

 

[R_N]

I am not religious but I will pray for what you wished for. I am truly sorry you had to suffer so much and that it lead you to this point.

 

[voyager]

You've probably already read how peaceful it and so forth, and while I'm not sure how much we can judge from the outside, what does provide me with some confidence is the fact that the vast majority have indeed not returned. BB+JT were even together and not one of them flinched, so I do indeed believe we pass out and are spared from the worst.

One thing you might want to reconsider though is the antiemetics. The two cases I've heard of which were not so pleasant both involved vomiting and since you mentioned a possible problem with holding the other stuff down, I'd suggest getting some advice on an alternative from one of the pros here.

But no matter how you proceed, I'm wishing you the best of luck and may it indeed come as you hope, APDL.

 

[Time]

Thank you for sharing a beautiful, moving post. I'm so very sorry to hear about your situation. I would love for something to swoop in & give you some hope that things can improve for you. But, should that not happen, I hope that your plans go the way you want & your ctb is as painless as possible & you find peace. I can't identify with the physical pain but 44 is definitely still young. Either way, I'm rooting for you, APharmaDestroyedLife.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

My thought. The pain can't be worse than what I am feeling now, and I won't remember it.

That is the conclusion I have come to myself.

You've probably already read how peaceful it and so forth, and while I'm not sure how much we can judge from the outside, what does provide me with some confidence is the fact that the vast majority have indeed not returned. BB+JT were even together and not one of them flinched, so I do indeed believe we pass out and are spared from the worst.

One thing you might want to reconsider though is the antiemetics. The two cases I've heard of which were not so pleasant both involved vomiting and since you mentioned a possible problem with holding the other stuff down, I'd suggest getting some advice on an alternative from one of the pros here.

But no matter how you proceed, I'm wishing you the best of luck and may it indeed come as you hope, APDL.

I was going to just do the 30mg meto stat dose 45 minutes before , rather than the 2 day prep. I can't see why the Stat dose would not be effective. But maybe I am missing something... i just know I dont want to spend 2 days feeling the way meto makes me feel.

 

[Jean4]

That is the conclusion I have come to myself.

I was going to just do the 30mg meto stat dose 45 minutes before , rather than the 2 day prep. I can't see why the Stat dose would not be effective. But maybe I am missing something... i just know I dont want to spend 2 days feeling the way meto makes me feel.

I admit it. Using this as an excuse to post this. I miss him so much today. ;)

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/

 

[gambardella]

I've rarely prayed but this time I will for you. I would be lying if I said your departure on such a 'holy' day didn't pain me. But it does. Despite that, I hope everything goes well for you.

 

[BPD Barbie]

I'm sorry for your pain and suffering. Walk the path that's right for you and follow it until you're at peace

 

[Enshadowed]

Wishing you the best on your journey. I am not the religious sort but I'll be sure to send some of my energy to whomever or whatever is out there in hopes that it reaches you and can give you a little comfort and so you know that there are those of us that are thinking of you.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

I admit it. Using this as an excuse to post this. I miss him so much today. ;)

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/stans-guide-to-sn.27535/

@Jean4 i bet you miss him terribly. I know many of this forum regarded him as very intelligent, and I know he did a ton of research on this. He claims the STAT dose is equally effective so I am going to put my trust in Stan on this one.. I think it makes sense, if it works for N it should work for any poison. I also hate the idea of a 2 day prep. I want the entire process to be done and over with as fast as possible. 1 hour to think about it is a lot easier for me than 48 hours of planning. For me 48 hours would give my SI way to much time to work against me, then I would be left with the effects of the Meto side effects if I bailed out.

 

[Jean Améry]

I'm sorry it has come to this. No-one should have to die in that emotional state and you should be among family and friends and passing over with medical assistence and oversight.

Thank you for your message of hope, especially to those among us who are still young enough to benefit from it.

I don't know you but it's clear you're quite perceptive, kind and intelligent. It'll be a loss for this forum and to anyone you know irl. I'm not 40 yet but I do recognise that I'm getting older yet I do not feel any different than when I was young. Just more desillusioned and less prone to impulsivity I guess. Events and people I meet do not make the same lively impression they used to make. I'm not sure whether that's a good thing as rationally I still hold I'd be better off dead instead of uselessly wandering this sad earth.

You're not a downer at all. Just a fine human-being who had rotten luck. We're all in the same boat so don't worry about anything and just write what you think and feel. Some of us might elect to stay in the boat for various reasons while others seek their peace in the deep waters. It's impossible to say with any degree of certainty which is the better option but I often find myself contemplating this and longing for the deep, undisturable peace that must be death. After all: if death isn't peace what an absolutely cruel joke this life would be, wouldn't it?

Good luck with whatever you decide. Take your time and make sure you think it over. You're obviously smart so I'm sure you'll make the right decision for you.

I'm not religious so I do not pray but I'm sure if you've prepared well you'll have nothing to worry about. As to what happens after death: we'll all die at some point and the outcome will likely be the same for anyone so why would you worry about this? It's natural surely and obviously I'm not about to die anytime soon so it's easy for me to say but I do believe in the power of cold, rational thinking to ease the fear of death that is so common yet likely misguided.

 

[Girobatol]

I am confused, do you have N or SN?

 

[jgm63]

That is the conclusion I have come to myself.

I was going to just do the 30mg meto stat dose 45 minutes before , rather than the 2 day prep. I can't see why the Stat dose would not be effective. But maybe I am missing something... i just know I dont want to spend 2 days feeling the way meto makes me feel.

I believe the stat dose should be fine. Dignitas use that, so that says something.
There is an in between option - you could take 1 x 10mg meto every hour, for 6 hours prior (mentioned by Derek Humphry - Final Exit author).
However, if that doesn't feel suitable then just stick with the stat dose.
I don't believe there's any real evidence to say that the 48 hour regime is better.
The stat dose used to be 60mg until they changed it to 30mg. I believe some people go in between, and take a 45mg stat dose, so that could be an option.
However, a 30mg stat dose should be fine.
Diphenhydramine may help with your meto reaction (50mg is suggested to treat EPS), which may be available as Benadryl, or Nytol, or simply as Diphenhydramine (If you're in the UK, you'll need Nytol, since the UK Benadryl doesn't contain Diphenhydramine).

I have some notes about N rather than SN, but they explain the pros/cons of stat dose vs 48 hour anti-emetic regime, and cover some EPS and anti-emetic testing points - see "Notes" section... (the anti-emetic regime is the same for N and SN) :

Spoiler: n-guide

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/n-protocol-regime-regimen-notes.27092

Further down there are additional notes on fasting / fasting duration, and other antiemetics.

I'm sure you've been through Stan's guide, so hopefully you'll be picking up some Tagamet and Paracetamol or Ibuprofen.



Note : As always, please note that I strongly encourage you to seek help with whatever is troubling you. With the right help things can improve. There are many sources of help if you look and reach out. Please seek assistance in any and every way possible. You alone must decide upon your actions and take full responsibility for them, and you should always favour seeking help and keeping out of harm's way.

 

[Read123456788]

Sending you a hug

 

[voyager]

I was going to just do the 30mg meto stat dose 45 minutes before , rather than the 2 day prep. I can't see why the Stat dose would not be effective. But maybe I am missing something... i just know I dont want to spend 2 days feeling the way meto makes me feel.

It was my impression that the 48h regimen with different antiemetics might be superior, because several people chose that way. But as jgm63 wrote, it's bound to be fine and Stan's guide agrees. Bottom line seems to be go with what you feel most comfortable, and at least two members kept it down without any help at all. So, you're not missing anything, I am. Really just confused now why there is a 48h regimen...

 

[Soul]

@APharmaDestroyedLife, of course I will be holding you in my thoughts, wrapping you in wishes for your chosen way to go safely and smoothly x

 

[Ark]

I know your pain. You are not alone. I hope you achieve the peace you so rightfully deserve. And if I can be, I will be here with you when it is your time.

My thoughts and prayers are with you. And soon enough, I will be with you also. I know your pain all too well.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

I am confused, do you have N or SN?

I have both, but ill never be able to drink that much SN. Its not like you see on the videos. Its not a tiny cup mixed with powder. The amount a person needs to swallow of veternairy N ( at least the kind i have) is about 8 times that amount. I just simply cany swallow to much without gagging antiemetic or not. I know it sounds crazy to choose SN over N. But its a lot of liquid...

It was my impression that the 48h regimen with different antiemetics might be superior, because several people chose that way. But as jgm63 wrote, it's bound to be fine and Stan's guide agrees. Bottom line seems to be go with what you feel most comfortable, and at least two members kept it down without any help at all. So, you're not missing anything, I am. Really just confused now why there is a 48h regimen...

Yeah I don't get it either but we are all so different maybe some people find confort in preparing and having a set time. That would never work for the way my mind works.

 

[Ark]

It completely depends on the purity of the N. Standard vet N you need to drink 100ml. However, with high purity prefer you can use 50ml of water, or less even.

 

[APharmaDestroyedLife]

I believe the stat dose should be fine. Dignitas use that, so that says something.
There is an in between option - you could take 1 x 10mg meto every hour, for 6 hours prior (mentioned by Derek Humphry - Final Exit author).
However, if that doesn't feel suitable then just stick with the stat dose.
I don't believe there's any real evidence to say that the 48 hour regime is better.
The stat dose used to be 60mg until they changed it to 30mg. I believe some people go in between, and take a 45mg stat dose, so that could be an option.
However, a 30mg stat dose should be fine.
Diphenhydramine may help with your meto reaction (50mg is suggested to treat EPS), which may be available as Benadryl, or Nytol, or simply as Diphenhydramine (If you're in the UK, you'll need Nytol, since the UK Benadryl doesn't contain Diphenhydramine).

I have some notes about N rather than SN, but they explain the pros/cons of stat dose vs 48 hour anti-emetic regime, and cover some EPS and anti-emetic testing points - see "Notes" section... (the anti-emetic regime is the same for N and SN) :

Spoiler: n-guide

https://sanctioned-suicide.net/threads/n-protocol-regime-regimen-notes.27092

I'm sure you've been through Stan's guide, so hopefully you'll be picking up some Tagamet and Paracetamol or Ibuprofen.

Thank you... yes I have everything... even the benzos. Its all stored together so when the times comes I can do it fast. Ill be starting my fast on the 30th and probably give it 8 hours maybe a little longer.

It completely depends on the purity of the N. Standard vet N you need to drink 100ml. However, with high purity prefer you can use 50ml of water, or less even.

The stuff i have i would need to drink 200ml... i know for a fact I could drink 100ml. But 200 is just to much

 

[Ark]

Wait, none of the N products I am aware of are that low in strength. I will PM you.

 

[Chronicillness]

I can relate to a lot of what you had to say. You get to a point with your degenerating health that you feel forced to kill yourself even though you want to live now more than ever before.

I hope that whatever method that you end up choosing brings you a peaceful transition.