Venting The end is near for me.

[LetMeDieInPeace]

Life just keeps getting worse and worse. I've always carried the feeling of unwanted and unloved since I was a child and events that occurred in the past couple of days have really reassured those feelings. I don't think I'm going to get my high school diploma this year and I recently found out I didn't get the job I applied for. I live with my mother and she goes by "It's my way or the highway" and she is forcing me to do things I am not capable of doing and I have to do them or I would get kicked out of the house. My whole family is sick of me and I would have no place to go to. It feels like everybody hates me including my closest friends and I just can't handle this pain anymore. I already found a place where I can execute my plan and I've already ordered things from Amazon. The day I do it, it's going to be a good day for my mom. I can imagine all those precious likes and comments she's going to get on Facebook after I'm gone. She's going to be so happy I'm doing what I plan to do, I will no longer be a burden in the home and I will finally be at peace. I just can't believe I'm going to die alone and afraid but at least I will be at peace in heaven if there is one and if I go to heaven...

 

[DoNotLet2]

I wish you peace even though I don't know whether you planned it calmly or not. You're not alone. I have problems with toxicity in family too.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

I don't know your situation but id be surprised if your mum was happy with losing you. Are there reasons why you feel unwanted or is it just a feeling?

 

[Sensei]

@LetMeDieInPeace, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you have reasons to consider dying by your own hand, but I'm happy that you've found this place where you can discuss your problems without being judged. You have just joined the forum, so I suggest you take the opportunity to talk to people here before you decide to end your life. You'll be surprised how friendly, understanding, and supportive people are here.

I don't know how it is to be you. Maybe your life situation is absolutely unbearable and maybe you don't have a future. Only you know. However, I'm your senior and I know from my own experience that life can change quickly when you're young. You might find a good job, get the opportunity to move away from your mother, make new friends, and so on, and it might happen sooner than you think. I suggest you think through your options very carefully before you decide to execute your plan. Just my two cents.

 

[LetMeDieInPeace]

I don't know your situation but id be surprised if your mum was happy with losing you. Are there reasons why you feel unwanted or is it just a feeling?

I'm my mom's anger outlet. She likes to get angry at me. It's like there is a knob in her head that turns from 0 to 100 over the smallest things. I experience nothing but negativity from my mother and brother and as of recently my sister too. Also, my grandma likes to poke fun at my addictions and I have to sit back and smile through it all. My father left shortly after I was born and my friends don't want to hang out with me anymore.

@LetMeDieInPeace, welcome to the forum. I'm sorry that you have reasons to consider dying by your own hand, but I'm happy that you've found this place where you can discuss your problems without being judged. You have just joined the forum, so I suggest you take the opportunity to talk to people here before you decide to end your life. You'll be surprised how friendly, understanding, and supportive people are here.

I don't know how it is to be you. Maybe your life situation is absolutely unbearable and maybe you don't have a future. Only you know. However, I'm your senior and I know from my own experience that life can change quickly when you're young. You might find a good job, get the opportunity to move away from your mother, make new friends, and so on, and it might happen sooner than you think. I suggest you think through your options very carefully before you decide to execute your plan. Just my two cents.

I actually thought about suicide at the age of 17 but I didn't do it because I thought things would get better with time and I'm 20 now and things are getting worse by the year.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

That's harsh. Can you get away from her? I know it's not easy but that does sound like a toxic relationship. But yeah, still your mum, so not an easy answer...

 

[Sensei]

I actually thought about suicide at the age of 17 but I didn't do it because I thought things would get better with time and I'm 20 now and things are getting worse by the year.

I made an attempt when I was 20, give or take a year. In retrospect, I'm happy I failed. Although I thought it was impossible, things eventually got better. Maybe it simply is impossible for your life to turn better and maybe ending it is the most rational course of action. However, if there's a chance that it might turn better, I think you should give it one more shot.

I assume there are more factors than how your family is treating you, but as for that particular issue, I don't think you should let them kill you, because that's what they're doing. Could you get away from your mother, as @Underscore suggests? It would let you breathe for a moment at least. If it's not possible to move, could you perhaps stay away from your home during your waking hours, e.g. hang out in cafés and libraries?

 

[LetMeDieInPeace]

That's harsh. Can you get away from her? I know it's not easy but that does sound like a toxic relationship. But yeah, still your mum, so not an easy answer...

I made an attempt when I was 20, give or take a year. In retrospect, I'm happy I failed. Although I thought it was impossible, things eventually got better. Maybe it simply is impossible for your life to turn better and maybe ending it is the most rational course of action. However, if there's a chance that it might turn better, I think you should give it one more shot.

I assume there are more factors than how your family is treating you, but as for that particular issue, I don't think you should let them kill you, because that's what they're doing. Could you get away from your mother, as @Underscore suggests? It would let you breathe for a moment at least. If it's not possible to move, could you perhaps stay away from your home during your waking hours, e.g. hang out in cafés and libraries?

I can't get away from her. I live in a very small town in Quebec and there's no public places I can go to. Also, I don't speak French and the closest public place I can go to is like a 20 minute drive to Ontario and I don't have a car or license. My only escape from her was going to a friend's house but no one wants to hang out or even play games with me anymore.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

@LetMeDieInPeace, your post resonated with me so much. My mother was very similar, including "My way or the highway." From 16 to 18, I regularly ran away or was kicked out for not complying. It was an ultimatum that she refused to back down from, even though what she really wanted was for me to stay, but not the person I actually am. She wanted me to be a different me altogether. I'm 49, that never changed. We have been estranged for several years now because I not only wouldn't drop that there was abuse, but stepped it up by sharing documentation of physical injuries and demanding my parents take responsibility. They completely shut me out.

And yet...a few years after shutting me out for good, my mother posted as her Facebook profile picture an old photo of her and I together from my late teens. Folks were reacting and commenting, and when one person asked if it was from an event she threw for me, my mother said, "Yes, and we still thank you for it." I sent my mother an email, said "we" don't thank anyone for anything, and demanded she delete the photo or I'd let every person who reacted and comment know the actual status of our relationship. After a bit of struggle and me making clear I had the ability to follow through on my threat, she deleted it.

I wish for you that you had some place to go. Back when I went through it, I did have places to go, but I also was vulnerable and victimized. I know things seem hopeless right now and are utterly untenable. I hate to see you end yourself over this, but I also understand why you are considering this choice when you seemingly have no others, and have no support or power. I wonder, are there any organizations you can approach for young adults/late teens who are victims of abuse and need housing? Many major cities have such options. Sometimes they are for LGBTQ youth, but if the option is between an unwanted ctb and lying, I would lie and say I'm bi, only just beginning to work to understand it (i.e., not sexually active with the same gender and not yet seeking to be), and that it is one of the many focuses of the abuse.