Venting the dumbest things make me want to ctb

[megafire]

Honestly it's pretty frustrating but that's how it goes, I guess.
I've had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember, but am considered "high-functioning" because I have learned that I am too cowardly to go through with any of my plans. I fantasize about dying literally all day, everyday, but I can never muster the courage to do anything about it!! So I go on with my life, doing different errands and meeting different criteria until it all eventually gets too much and I spiral, bed-ridden and probably binge-watching shit reality television because nothing matters, why should I aspire to be anything if I'm going to kms anyway? Then I relearn the hard truth (no courage) and lift out of my deep depression to baseline, regular depression.

Well, one of the things I was working on this round was getting a different job. I found a part-time bank teller job and got so excited, because I can finally stop working in shit-paying restaurants and work a "proper" professional job. Well guys, after 2 weeks of waiting for a response, I got one. I was declined, probably because I'm shit at mental math and can't calculate percentages without a calculator. The fact that this is an entry-level, high-school diploma only job and I got rejected is oddly making me want to crumple into a ball of despair. I feel like a failure, I have never been rejected for a job. That's just a part of life, right? Except this is an entry-level position. Just because this bank doesn't want me shouldn't determine my self-worth but it is so incredibly fragile that the wind could knock it over. Goddammit, I really wanted this job.

Just had to get this out here because it's objectively stupid to let something so small get to me but it is and I'm so fucking sad now. I was always told I was so smart and full of potential and getting rejected for an entry-level position makes me feel like that was all bull.

 

[WornOutLife]

Don't worry. Even the smallest and silliest things can make us feel we're in hell.

I used to want to ctb for failing a university exam! Ridiculous!

Now, one of my reasons to ctb is my overweight. Ridiculous!

You see? You're not alone. Feel free to pm me if you need to talk.

Hugs

 

[Symbiote]

Sorry you didn't get a job, but don't feel too bad about it, entry-level jobs are much harder to get into because of competition and that a gazillion people are vying for the same thing. They most likely had someone internal get that job and they did the job interviews for semantics. It's all bullshit IMO, but that's how entry level positions go.

 

[jerusalen]

i kind of get it, its more than just being rejected from a job, in someway it makes u feel useless, like you trusted yourself and it can't be that easy to make you feel shit (omg i cannot express myself well in english, not my first language). but what im really trying to say is that is okey to feel this way, it will probably happen again, just make sure whatever the decision u take (to ctb or not), take ur time to really analyze the situation and not fail in the process(to die lol).
hope u find a way to make u feel better (: