Venting The Dread of Potentially Failing

[UpsidedownStar]

I should be happy. I should be smiling. I'm going to be free soon. Yet all I feel is this dread when I think about my three chances to CTB. It all came crashing down on me today, this feeling. I have flights scheduled in early September and late September, both where I could go freeze to death in my chosen location sooner than later, or I could wait until December and skip the anxiety of leaving my state (because if I fail, there'd be no going back).

I think I'm just rambling at this point. As the time draws closer, I always get this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach, like a thick syrupy SI that makes me nauseous. I think I'm mostly scared of failing, or telling someone of my plan in the heat of the moment and ruining my chances at CTB this year.

I don't even know what I'm trying to say. I hope this makes a bit of sense to someone.

 

[lostangel]

Being afraid to fail is something a lot of us battle with. Don't feel bad :) The best thing you can do is do everything you can to prevent being found. May I ask what method you are using? Is it the freezing one because that seems unreliable.

 

[falloutcarter13]

Freezing to death is definitely a viable option, when the weather is cold enough. I lived in a northern state where the temps got below -35F on several occasions in the winter I was there...in my tiny town alone, six people ctb this way. They just went outside, took off their outerwear, and lied down in a snowbank. The cops in the area called it WS for White Sleep. Most of them were drunk to lower anxiety and speed the effects of hypothermia.

I think, for someone who is really committed to wanting to die, the fear of failure is always going to be strong. I mean...this is our Super Bowl. Nobody wants to lose the big game. All we can do is our best, and I've got to believe that if a person is committed enough they can find success.

 

[UpsidedownStar]

Being afraid to fail is something a lot of us battle with. Don't feel bad :) The best thing you can do is do everything you can to prevent being found. May I ask what method you are using? Is it the freezing one because that seems unreliable.

Yes, I'm planning on going out via hypothermia + maybe self-inflicted poisoning by the end of the year. I know it sounds unreliable, because it is if you don't take the proper measures. I've gotten close to death several times with hypothermia and determination alone, but if I can combine it with abrus precatorius (rosary peas) known for inducing vomiting and internal damage even in small dosages, I can be certain of death, even if it takes longer than anticipated.

My overall plan is to fly out to a colder state (I live in the south, where it won't get cold enough until December) and get lost in a forest/hiking trail. I already have my locations picked out - I just need to steel myself and go through with it. I'm going to get rosary peas soon. Two years ago, I chewed up 20 seeds in the middle of the night and spent the next 12 hours vomiting and on the toilet, my body expelling so much hydration. On the bright side, it will raise my body temperature up quite significantly, and I will lose body heat faster.

Freezing to death is definitely a viable option, when the weather is cold enough. I lived in a northern state where the temps got below -35F on several occasions in the winter I was there...in my tiny town alone, six people ctb this way. They just went outside, took off their outerwear, and lied down in a snowbank. The cops in the area called it WS for White Sleep. Most of them were drunk to lower anxiety and speed the effects of hypothermia.

I think, for someone who is really committed to wanting to die, the fear of failure is always going to be strong. I mean...this is our Super Bowl. Nobody wants to lose the big game. All we can do is our best, and I've got to believe that if a person is committed enough they can find success.

I've personally selected freezing because in my experience, there was minimal pain involved, although it was very uncomfortable. I don't want to get frostbite (only occurs at or below 32F/0C), so I'm picking a day where the temperature will be between 34F to 42F. I'm half a year too young to purchase alcohol, so I'm probably gonna find another way to lessen the anxiety and speed up hypothermia. White Sleep sounds very peaceful. I've gotten close to passing out before and it's true when reports say that you start feeling tired and warm.

I think I can do this. You're right. All we can do is do our best.

 

[TAW122]

I believe this is a common theme among us. All of us have to deal with the SI, some easier and some harder than others. As for finding other ways to lessen the anxiety, I would recommend listening to music that calms and prepares, meditate and clear your mind, etc. As for speeding up hypothermia, if you are wet, your body transfers heat even faster through evaporation and conduction. Whatever you do, I wish you the best and peace.

 

[UpsidedownStar]

I believe this is a common theme among us. All of us have to deal with the SI, some easier and some harder than others. As for finding other ways to lessen the anxiety, I would recommend listening to music that calms and prepares, meditate and clear your mind, etc. As for speeding up hypothermia, if you are wet, your body transfers heat even faster through evaporation and conduction. Whatever you do, I wish you the best and peace.

Good ideas. :) Thank you for the suggestions. I've definitely planned out sitting in a pool of water; the area I've chosen has a slow river that runs through it. It'll be difficult but worth it.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

.in my tiny town alone, six people ctb this way. They just went outside, took off their outerwear, and lied down in a snowbank. The cops in the area called it WS for White Sleep

Did you know those people and why they ctb in this way?
Was it mainly due to financial problems/unemployment in that area?

 

[falloutcarter13]

Did you know those people and why they ctb in this way?
Was it mainly due to financial problems/unemployment in that area?

Seasonal depression is a major factor where I lived. You literally don't see the sun from Nov-Apr, its just six months of grey skies and endless fields of white snow. Everything is frozen and silent. A lot of people don't work in the winter there, its simply too cold. Cars won't start, and the roads are too icy even if you can get them going. You have to put on full Antarctic gear just to go out and get the mail (on days when it can actually be delivered.) Freezing to death on accident is a real possibility if you get stranded anywhere. Most people just isolate in their homes and drink for a half a year straight, which I'm sure contributes to the high suicide rate. A woman did it at the end of my street, just got drunk and loaded on xanax and went and lied down in a snowbank right outside of her house. The cop I talked to about it said that it was extremely common, and that only six in a town of 1,200 was actually a slow year for it. He said when you're drunk, your brain starts shutting down before you even feel pain from the cold, that the person doesn't suffer at all and its over in a matter of minutes.

 

[esse_est_percipi]

Seasonal depression is a major factor where I lived. You literally don't see the sun from Nov-Apr, its just six months of grey skies and endless fields of white snow. Everything is frozen and silent. A lot of people don't work in the winter there, its simply too cold. Cars won't start, and the roads are too icy even if you can get them going. You have to put on full Antarctic gear just to go out and get the mail (on days when it can actually be delivered.) Freezing to death on accident is a real possibility if you get stranded anywhere. Most people just isolate in their homes and drink for a half a year straight, which I'm sure contributes to the high suicide rate. A woman did it at the end of my street, just got drunk and loaded on xanax and went and lied down in a snowbank right outside of her house. The cop I talked to about it said that it was extremely common, and that only six in a town of 1,200 was actually a slow year for it. He said when you're drunk, your brain starts shutting down before you even feel pain from the cold, that the person doesn't suffer at all and its over in a matter of minutes.

That's bleak.
I guess the possibility of ctb by just going out drunk in the cold is a silver lining (if you can call it that).
I've never been to the US but I've always kinda imagined it like in the movies, where tons of interesting things are happening, dreams are being realized, people are driving down legendary highways into sunsets, etc. I guess the reality of everyday life for many is quite different to that idealized picture.

 

[meerpasta]

Seasonal depression is a major factor where I lived. You literally don't see the sun from Nov-Apr, its just six months of grey skies and endless fields of white snow. Everything is frozen and silent. A lot of people don't work in the winter there, its simply too cold. Cars won't start, and the roads are too icy even if you can get them going. You have to put on full Antarctic gear just to go out and get the mail (on days when it can actually be delivered.) Freezing to death on accident is a real possibility if you get stranded anywhere. Most people just isolate in their homes and drink for a half a year straight, which I'm sure contributes to the high suicide rate. A woman did it at the end of my street, just got drunk and loaded on xanax and went and lied down in a snowbank right outside of her house. The cop I talked to about it said that it was extremely common, and that only six in a town of 1,200 was actually a slow year for it. He said when you're drunk, your brain starts shutting down before you even feel pain from the cold, that the person doesn't suffer at all and its over in a matter of minutes.

I never thought about this method before, it sounds really good. Pretty much anything that knocks you out would be enough? My body can't really handle lots of alcohol, but I can handle overdosing on opiates and I happen to live up north where the winters get very cold. Together with the opiates it should be certain death without the risk of waking up and getting brain damaged right?

 

[Jessica5]

Freezing to death is definitely a viable option, when the weather is cold enough. I lived in a northern state where the temps got below -35F on several occasions in the winter I was there...in my tiny town alone, six people ctb this way. They just went outside, took off their outerwear, and lied down in a snowbank. The cops in the area called it WS for White Sleep. Most of them were drunk to lower anxiety and speed the effects of hypothermia.

I think, for someone who is really committed to wanting to die, the fear of failure is always going to be strong. I mean...this is our Super Bowl. Nobody wants to lose the big game. All we can do is our best, and I've got to believe that if a person is committed enough they can find success.

That can't be a nice way to die though.

 

[falloutcarter13]

I never thought about this method before, it sounds really good. Pretty much anything that knocks you out would be enough? My body can't really handle lots of alcohol, but I can handle overdosing on opiates and I happen to live up north where the winters get very cold. Together with the opiates it should be certain death without the risk of waking up and getting brain damaged right?

I'm really not an expert, I'm sure there are better people to ask and places to look. All I have is anecdotal experience, what the cop told me and so forth. I can say for sure that all six of the people I heard/saw/read about doing this did it at night, when the temps were below -25F actual, not wind chill. Sorry I can't be of more help =/

That can't be a nice way to die though.

From what I've heard and read, its one of the most peaceful possible ways to go. And I can say for sure that when it gets that cold, your thoughts do slow to a crawl and your processing speed is next to nothing, your body starts shutting down all of the extra stuff and your senses dull. When hypothermia starts to set in, its actually sort of comfortable, you stop thinking and feeling so much, basically. I can only imagine the longer you were exposed, the more these effects would increase *shrug*

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

That can't be a nice way to die though.

Why shouldn't it?

When you freeze to death, you soon no longer feel the cold and fall asleep.

I would leave out the rosary pea though. They are absolutely not necessary and only make it uncomfortable. You will surely die if you don't abandon the plan yourself.

It should be possible somehow to organize some alcohol. Alcohol is perfect for freezing to death because it dilates the blood vessels and the body cools down so much faster.

May I ask you why you want to freeze to death? You wrote that you have come close to death several times with hypothermia. Were these previous attempts by you?

 

[UpsidedownStar]

That can't be a nice way to die though.

It takes a while, yes, but it's the nicest and most low-effort method I have found over the years I've been searching. I used to aim for self-poisoning with yew, then abrus, then poison hemlock (not water hemlock), then datura. Datura landed me in the hospital from a psychotic break and I have no memories of the three days between taking the seeds and coming to in the hospital. Plus the cold basically accomplishes all I need it to do, which is: being low-effort, painless (though uncomfortable), numbing, inhibits rational thinking, and natural-looking.

I would leave out the rosary pea though. They are absolutely not necessary and only make it uncomfortable. You will surely die if you don't abandon the plan yourself.

It should be possible somehow to organize some alcohol. Alcohol is perfect for freezing to death because it dilates the blood vessels and the body cools down so much faster.

May I ask you why you want to freeze to death? You wrote that you have come close to death several times with hypothermia. Were these previous attempts by you?

You're right, I should probably leave them out. I don't want to be more uncomfortable than I have to be.

I don't even know where to begin when it comes to acquiring alcohol. It's one thing if I can ask my friends to buy me some, but with COVID and no way to meet up with my friends (I can't drive yet and my friends live a good bit away.)

I'll be honest, I don't even remember the reason why I want to freeze to death. If it was anything more than "slow and painless", I can't recall. I have horrible memory. I also am not allowed to own belts because of previous attempts, can't get ahold of rope, and no other poison is nearby. Not that I want to die from poisoning anymore.

Yes, they were other attempts by me. The thing that stopped me those times is that I always left the balcony door unlocked after I went outside and my desire for a warm bed took over.

 

[rt1989526]

I've never considered freezing to death. I live in Canada and it's certainly doable but I figured it will be absolutely brutal to go thru. How long will you have to sit outside in the freezing cold before hypothermia kicks in? Days?

 

[falloutcarter13]

It takes a while, yes, but it's the nicest and most low-effort method I have found over the years I've been searching. I used to aim for self-poisoning with yew, then abrus, then poison hemlock (not water hemlock), then datura. Datura landed me in the hospital from a psychotic break and I have no memories of the three days between taking the seeds and coming to in the hospital. Plus the cold basically accomplishes all I need it to do, which is: being low-effort, painless (though uncomfortable), numbing, inhibits rational thinking, and natural-looking.

Just a thought, but DXM may be an option for increasing the comfort of this method. I researched it extensively when I was in the northern state, since I was using it as a psychedelic/dissociative on occasion anyway...I first had the thought because I realized that while I was on higher doses, I could go outside and smoke a whole cigarette in sub zero temps in a t-shirt and never notice the cold, let alone be bothered by it. It does something to decrease pain and temperature sensitivity. Just a thought!

I've never considered freezing to death. I live in Canada and it's certainly doable but I figured it will be absolutely brutal to go thru. How long will you have to sit outside in the freezing cold before hypothermia kicks in? Days?

It totally depends on the temperature. OP said something about doing it on a 42F day, which I have my doubts about...I'm sure, on a long enough timeline, it would do the trick, but it would be very drawn out and probably not very effective or pleasant. Obviously, the colder the better...the people who ctb in my town when it was colder than -25F, the cop said they were probably unconscious from the exposure in less than 10 min and dead in less than 30. Its hearsay, but I never saw or heard anything that would dispute it *shrug*

 

[UpsidedownStar]

I've never considered freezing to death. I live in Canada and it's certainly doable but I figured it will be absolutely brutal to go thru. How long will you have to sit outside in the freezing cold before hypothermia kicks in? Days?

No, certainly not days. If you've got the right temperature outside and are submerged in water and are under the affects of alcohol/meds, it could take as short as 30 mins to 2 hours to succumb to hypothermia.

Just a thought, but DXM may be an option for increasing the comfort of this method. I researched it extensively when I was in the northern state, since I was using it as a psychedelic/dissociative on occasion anyway...I first had the thought because I realized that while I was on higher doses, I could go outside and smoke a whole cigarette in sub zero temps in a t-shirt and never notice the cold, let alone be bothered by it. It does something to decrease pain and temperature sensitivity. Just a thought!

It totally depends on the temperature. OP said something about doing it on a 42F day, which I have my doubts about...I'm sure, on a long enough timeline, it would do the trick, but it would be very drawn out and probably not very effective or pleasant. Obviously, the colder the better...the people who ctb in my town when it was colder than -25F, the cop said they were probably unconscious from the exposure in less than 10 min and dead in less than 30. Its hearsay, but I never saw or heard anything that would dispute it *shrug*

Thank you for the suggestions! :) I will definitely look into DXM.

You're right, it is pretty drawn out. Unfortunately, in my state, it rarely gets that cold. If I flew out to another place though, I could probably manage something. I'm just really afraid of being in pain and waking up without my hands and feet due to frostbite.

 

[rt1989526]

Gotcha. So you're going to stay submerged til you pass out I take it? Potentially just float down the river unconscious and hope to not be found?

 

[UpsidedownStar]

Gotcha. So you're going to stay submerged til you pass out I take it? Potentially just float down the river unconscious and hope to not be found?

Pretty much, yeah. I will find a hidden spot and lay half in the water, half out (so I don't drown). From the looks of it, I may not be able to fly out without drawing suspicion, so my backup plan is to wait until December and go swimming in the pool in the backyard at midnight.

 

[Deleted member 17949]

Failure is scary, especially if there is a risk of injury. This is a totally normal fear; don't feel like you 'should be happy' because that is not realistic.

 

[Jessica5]

It takes a while, yes, but it's the nicest and most low-effort method I have found over the years I've been searching. I used to aim for self-poisoning with yew, then abrus, then poison hemlock (not water hemlock), then datura. Datura landed me in the hospital from a psychotic break and I have no memories of the three days between taking the seeds and coming to in the hospital. Plus the cold basically accomplishes all I need it to do, which is: being low-effort, painless (though uncomfortable), numbing, inhibits rational thinking, and natural-looking.



You're right, I should probably leave them out. I don't want to be more uncomfortable than I have to be.

I don't even know where to begin when it comes to acquiring alcohol. It's one thing if I can ask my friends to buy me some, but with COVID and no way to meet up with my friends (I can't drive yet and my friends live a good bit away.)

I'll be honest, I don't even remember the reason why I want to freeze to death. If it was anything more than "slow and painless", I can't recall. I have horrible memory. I also am not allowed to own belts because of previous attempts, can't get ahold of rope, and no other poison is nearby. Not that I want to die from poisoning anymore.

Yes, they were other attempts by me. The thing that stopped me those times is that I always left the balcony door unlocked after I went outside and my desire for a warm bed took over.

You shouldn't be allowed on this site if you can't drive yet. The mods have gotten stricter about banning minors from here.

 

[Nymph]

You shouldn't be allowed on this site if you can't drive yet. The mods have gotten stricter about banning minors from here.

I'm 18 and can't drive yet, my parents won't let me go to a auto school because they think it's useless since I don't have a car yet.

 

[UpsidedownStar]

You shouldn't be allowed on this site if you can't drive yet. The mods have gotten stricter about banning minors from here.

I'm 20.

 

[Meditation guide]

I used to aim for self-poisoning with yew, then abrus, then poison hemlock (not water hemlock), then datura.

I would love to hear about all those different poisons and what they were like!

 

[falloutcarter13]

You shouldn't be allowed on this site if you can't drive yet. The mods have gotten stricter about banning minors from here.

I completely whiffed on this. Didn't catch it at all. Yeah dude, you haven't even given yourself a chance to see if things are going to get better for you, if you're not old enough to have a license, you should NOT be thinking seriously about killing yourself. I say this with every awareness, I was suicidal at a young age. But I'm still glad I proved to myself things weren't going to get better, it could have gone a whole other way and maybe I'd be happy right now. You never know before you know.

 

[UpsidedownStar]

I would love to hear about all those different poisons and what they were like!

2018: Yew was nothing spectacular. As mentioned before, I'm 20 and have no access to alcohol. My plan was to wait until I was 21 then make a tincture of European yew extract, then drink it. That plan lasted all of 4 months, before winter came along and I learned about hypothermia.
I ordered some yew leaves from a witchcraft shop and tried to eat it with some ice cream. Tasted bitter, stuck to my throat, ruined the ice cream. No affect from my small dosage.

2018: Abrus was an entirely different story. I read that a teaspoon of the seeds (which were no bigger than a pinky nail) could be lethal, but I assumed that was a child's dose. I chewed up the hard shells of 20 seeds in the middle of the night. Even more bitter, only chewed them in halves before washing it down with water. I went to bed, expecting vomiting and pain.
I woke up maybe 3 hours later with the horrible need to vomit. I barely made it to the toilet, but after I got there, I probably sat there for an hour or more vomiting and crapping out every ounce of water and the undigested shells I had in me. Eventually I ran out of water and started throwing up stomach bile. Bright yellow and heavy and sticky and bitter.
I laid down most of that day, with some towels by my bed in case I couldn't make it to the bathroom. I couldn't even eat half a cracker that morning - every little thing upset my stomach. I'm surprised there was never blood coming out of me. Finally it stopped, almost exactly 12 hours had passed. 0/10 wouldn't recommend

2019: Water hemlock seeds were uneventful. At most I felt my heart pound a bit harder, but that very well could've been anxiety. Ate them with yogurt, stuck to my throat. Didn't chew it. Seeds were very tiny, ate maybe 100 of them.

2019: Datura was probably just as bad as the abrus, but I wasn't aware for most of its immediate affects. I went outside with more yogurt (not too long after hemlock attempt) and ingested around 200 tiny seeds. After 30ish minutes, I started feeling tired and decided it wasn't working. So i went inside and remember climbing into bed - not fully in bed all the way - and nothing else until the next day.

Apparently I woke up, went to my friend's mom's room (who I was staying with during 2019) and had a crying fit. I was incoherent and unreasonable, and after friend's mom got home, I was transported to the hospital. I remember hitting my head on the car's doorframe.

I should mention that I confessed being off my meds to another friend, who visited me in the hospital, who I offered birthday cake to while cuffed to the hospital bed. Scared him real bad, he told me later. Also was trying to find "pokemon coins" on the room's floor.

Next memory was pissing myself while the nurses tried to get a urine sample or something, and had to clean it up. Must've made someone's day with that mishap, haha.

Next memory was of me playing pokemon in the reflection of a sink in my mental ward bedroom. I had a moment of "why am I doing this?" But quickly lost that lucidity.

Became lucid when sitting at the table eating dinner, staring off into space, when it clicked that I was in the hospital. Walked up to the receptionist desk and called my friend's mom "hey, uh, I'm in the hospital... I think..." then got released a week later.

So yeah plants suck. Don't do plants.

I completely whiffed on this. Didn't catch it at all. Yeah dude, you haven't even given yourself a chance to see if things are going to get better for you, if you're not old enough to have a license, you should NOT be thinking seriously about killing yourself. I say this with every awareness, I was suicidal at a young age. But I'm still glad I proved to myself things weren't going to get better, it could have gone a whole other way and maybe I'd be happy right now. You never know before you know.

It's okay. I'm 20. I just have a phobia of driving.

 

[falloutcarter13]

2018: Yew was nothing spectacular. As mentioned before, I'm 20 and have no access to alcohol. My plan was to wait until I was 21 then make a tincture of European yew extract, then drink it. That plan lasted all of 4 months, before winter came along and I learned about hypothermia.
I ordered some yew leaves from a witchcraft shop and tried to eat it with some ice cream. Tasted bitter, stuck to my throat, ruined the ice cream. No affect from my small dosage.

2018: Abrus was an entirely different story. I read that a teaspoon of the seeds (which were no bigger than a pinky nail) could be lethal, but I assumed that was a child's dose. I chewed up the hard shells of 20 seeds in the middle of the night. Even more bitter, only chewed them in halves before washing it down with water. I went to bed, expecting vomiting and pain.
I woke up maybe 3 hours later with the horrible need to vomit. I barely made it to the toilet, but after I got there, I probably sat there for an hour or more vomiting and crapping out every ounce of water and the undigested shells I had in me. Eventually I ran out of water and started throwing up stomach bile. Bright yellow and heavy and sticky and bitter.
I laid down most of that day, with some towels by my bed in case I couldn't make it to the bathroom. I couldn't even eat half a cracker that morning - every little thing upset my stomach. I'm surprised there was never blood coming out of me. Finally it stopped, almost exactly 12 hours had passed. 0/10 wouldn't recommend

2019: Water hemlock seeds were uneventful. At most I felt my heart pound a bit harder, but that very well could've been anxiety. Ate them with yogurt, stuck to my throat. Didn't chew it. Seeds were very tiny, ate maybe 100 of them.

2019: Datura was probably just as bad as the abrus, but I wasn't aware for most of its immediate affects. I went outside with more yogurt (not too long after hemlock attempt) and ingested around 200 tiny seeds. After 30ish minutes, I started feeling tired and decided it wasn't working. So i went inside and remember climbing into bed - not fully in bed all the way - and nothing else until the next day.

Apparently I woke up, went to my friend's mom's room (who I was staying with during 2019) and had a crying fit. I was incoherent and unreasonable, and after friend's mom got home, I was transported to the hospital. I remember hitting my head on the car's doorframe.

I should mention that I confessed being off my meds to another friend, who visited me in the hospital, who I offered birthday cake to while cuffed to the hospital bed. Scared him real bad, he told me later. Also was trying to find "pokemon coins" on the room's floor.

Next memory was pissing myself while the nurses tried to get a urine sample or something, and had to clean it up. Must've made someone's day with that mishap, haha.

Next memory was of me playing pokemon in the reflection of a sink in my mental ward bedroom. I had a moment of "why am I doing this?" But quickly lost that lucidity.

Became lucid when sitting at the table eating dinner, staring off into space, when it clicked that I was in the hospital. Walked up to the receptionist desk and called my friend's mom "hey, uh, I'm in the hospital... I think..." then got released a week later.

So yeah plants suck. Don't do plants.

It's okay. I'm 20. I just have a phobia of driving.

Oh okay. Still young, but old enough to make your own decisions. I dunno man I think with psychoactive plants, being prepared for what they do and doing them responsibly makes all the difference.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

You shouldn't be allowed on this site if you can't drive yet. The mods have gotten stricter about banning minors from here.

I am also not happy when I see young people die.

But they have just as much a right to it as we all do. The pain takes no account of age!

 

[Wayfaerer]

I'm too afraid to try methods that involve kinetic suffocation. There is a lot that can go wrong and if it does, it has severe consequences. If only I could find powdered N, it would be an investment on par with gold and silver.

 

[LetzteAusfahrt]

Have you been able to make a decision for yourself? Would be nice for you because it relieves you of pressure and makes "now" much more pleasant