Barf
Member
- Sep 11, 2019
- 27
I've been feeling pretty ready to ctb lately. I've been sticking around as I've promised myself to wait for a couple things. Number one, my sister is in her senior year of pre-med biology. She's been doing well in her classes, but has had to work really hard to do so. In high school success came easy and naturally to her, and she never really had to apply herself and still excelled. So she's not used to having to work so hard, and she's struggling and is emotionally overwhelmed.
I originally promised myself to wait until she finished dental school, but I'm not sure if I can (I'm probably a bastard for that), so I reasoned that I can at least wait until she's done with her undergrad degree. I couldn't put all that stress on her so close to finishing her undergrad degree. I love her so much.
Also, I need to get my mom from her homestate to my homestate, where my sister, brother and aunt are. My mom is disabled and relies on me a little bit financially and lot a bit emotionally. So, before I go I need to get her closer to a support system.
That being said, when I do go I already know it's going to be a huge blow to a lot of people. It's that fact that has kept me alive this long, but I am exhausted and I don't want to be here anymore.
So, long winded I know, but I've been thinking practically about methods lately. Luckily, I work in healthcare and happen to have relatively easy access to propofol. I'm fact I brought home a full vial already, but my boyfriend found it, got scared because he recognized it as 'the drug that killed MJ' and made me empty it wish a syringe and flush it down the toilet while he watched.
I also have fairly easy access to fentanyl, if I need it.
If I use a combo, it will obviously be a suicide, but if I only use fent I can pull it off to look like an accidental OD (I used to have an opioid problem from 2014-2016, so it would look like a relapse).
I keep going back and fourth between the two options. On one end, if I am open about the suicide I can leave notes and hopefully provide some closure. Plus, the propofol+fent combo is more of a guarantee (as far as I know, there is no OD reversal drug for propofol. This is important because I already know where I want to ctb. It's public but secluded, and while the chances of me being walked up on are slim they are not impossible). On the other end, an 'accidental OD' would save my loved ones at least the agony of knowing how miserable I was, I also don't know how a blatant suicide would impact the life insurance policy I have on myself through work, of which my mother is the sole beneficiary, and I really want her to have that money as I don't really have a substantial amount to pass on in savings.
I've isolated myself emotionally from these people who love me so much, and I hate myself for it. I at once feel so crippling lonely, miss them and want desperately to connect with them so that they know how precious and loved they are to me, and also wish that they could wake up tomorrow never having known me so that I can finally leave this awful place free from the guilt of leaving these wonderful people to deal with all the burden and pain of my death. I used to work in the funeral industry and I've seen first hand how drastically the unexpected death of a love can derail the lives of those around them.
It's an awful dilemma and it feels almost like entrapment. I feel like such a whiney little baby because others have it so much worse than me, but I really feel that way.
I wish death with dignity was an accessible option in the states for folks dealing with long term, ongoing depression. I hate scheming the way that I have had/will continue to have to do, I wish I could express myself to my loved ones and have them understand, or at least accept my decision, there's at least closure in that. I hate deceiving them. It would be a controlled environment, no chance of failure. Also, it's not my wish to go all by myself, even having a nurse put a hand on my knee while I went would be so wonderful. These aren't the circumstances, however. It's unfortunate.
This was very long winded, I know. It's just been pent up for so long. I'm so happy to find a place I can express myself without fear of being impeded or worse, locked up on some psychiatric hold.
I originally promised myself to wait until she finished dental school, but I'm not sure if I can (I'm probably a bastard for that), so I reasoned that I can at least wait until she's done with her undergrad degree. I couldn't put all that stress on her so close to finishing her undergrad degree. I love her so much.
Also, I need to get my mom from her homestate to my homestate, where my sister, brother and aunt are. My mom is disabled and relies on me a little bit financially and lot a bit emotionally. So, before I go I need to get her closer to a support system.
That being said, when I do go I already know it's going to be a huge blow to a lot of people. It's that fact that has kept me alive this long, but I am exhausted and I don't want to be here anymore.
So, long winded I know, but I've been thinking practically about methods lately. Luckily, I work in healthcare and happen to have relatively easy access to propofol. I'm fact I brought home a full vial already, but my boyfriend found it, got scared because he recognized it as 'the drug that killed MJ' and made me empty it wish a syringe and flush it down the toilet while he watched.
I also have fairly easy access to fentanyl, if I need it.
If I use a combo, it will obviously be a suicide, but if I only use fent I can pull it off to look like an accidental OD (I used to have an opioid problem from 2014-2016, so it would look like a relapse).
I keep going back and fourth between the two options. On one end, if I am open about the suicide I can leave notes and hopefully provide some closure. Plus, the propofol+fent combo is more of a guarantee (as far as I know, there is no OD reversal drug for propofol. This is important because I already know where I want to ctb. It's public but secluded, and while the chances of me being walked up on are slim they are not impossible). On the other end, an 'accidental OD' would save my loved ones at least the agony of knowing how miserable I was, I also don't know how a blatant suicide would impact the life insurance policy I have on myself through work, of which my mother is the sole beneficiary, and I really want her to have that money as I don't really have a substantial amount to pass on in savings.
I've isolated myself emotionally from these people who love me so much, and I hate myself for it. I at once feel so crippling lonely, miss them and want desperately to connect with them so that they know how precious and loved they are to me, and also wish that they could wake up tomorrow never having known me so that I can finally leave this awful place free from the guilt of leaving these wonderful people to deal with all the burden and pain of my death. I used to work in the funeral industry and I've seen first hand how drastically the unexpected death of a love can derail the lives of those around them.
It's an awful dilemma and it feels almost like entrapment. I feel like such a whiney little baby because others have it so much worse than me, but I really feel that way.
I wish death with dignity was an accessible option in the states for folks dealing with long term, ongoing depression. I hate scheming the way that I have had/will continue to have to do, I wish I could express myself to my loved ones and have them understand, or at least accept my decision, there's at least closure in that. I hate deceiving them. It would be a controlled environment, no chance of failure. Also, it's not my wish to go all by myself, even having a nurse put a hand on my knee while I went would be so wonderful. These aren't the circumstances, however. It's unfortunate.
This was very long winded, I know. It's just been pent up for so long. I'm so happy to find a place I can express myself without fear of being impeded or worse, locked up on some psychiatric hold.
