The depths of desperation

[noname223]

I felt pretty fucked up today. Sent a cringy message way too personal to a college "friend". Wanted to delete it but too late. I really felt pretty sad. I am not good I am way too much inside my head. I am ruminating without any break. I have been through different levels of desperation in my life. And I am not that low as rock bottom. But honestly I thought about it today. I have been through insane shit after my last relapse. Shirt I barely could imagine.

I was so extremely desperate. When I had the extreme psychosomatic pain and was acute suicidal I was so clingy. I have made embarrassing and pathetic attempts to approach a girl at the clinic. I felt extremely at rock bottom. It was pathetic as fuck but it helped me 1% to cope at that time. I was extremely overwhelmed and overburdened by the situation. I plan to kill myself when this hell returns. I did not harrass her in any way gladly. She just rejected me and I accepted it.

Then during the last mixed manic-depressive epsiode I was super clingy to that STEM professor (at a certain clinic he was a patient). I hoped because he who was way smarter than any person I ever met before he might could help me. Indeed he gave me some good advices. But this guy really started to hate me and was pretty unfriendly when we said goodbye. He kind of humiliated me in front of others. I was extremely desperate at that time. But I did not reveal to him how suicidal I was. I wanted to protect him from that. Because when I showed my pain he was kind of shocked about it. But he blamed my desperation on intersubjectivity (and my alleged inability to see through my stupidity.) Another therapist was also very smug towards me at that time. Blamed my hopelessness on intersubjectivity.

Honestly I looked today what my new subjects at college are. And I could start crying and puking at the same time. I am so done with this shit. My perfectionism is torturing me. I struggle and suffer so much because of it. The subjects are horrendous and I hate the extreme pressure that I am doing to myself. I despise myself for that stupid message I sent. I feel like this could be the start of a depressive episode. I feel abysmal. Usually I struggle way more with mania in college. But now depression seems to hit me. I don't think I am able to hold a job. Maybe I am too certain on that.

I kind of isolated myself during the vacation but I felt good. Probably because of lack of pressure. Maybe I should talk more to my friends. I am pretty bad at feeling my desire for social connections. My family wants to spend time with me but I have to hide my desperation. And I already explained my situation a thousand times to my friends. So they don't have anything new to add. I am very anxious as always. I am so sick of my life and it seems to get worse and not better.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

College life can be a bitch when you aren't mentally able to handle it. I tried it myself, so I know, but I backed out long before it got to the point where you are. Having to hide the depression from everyone is also very exhausting, and I wish there was some way I could lessen your burden.

I'm sorry your professor and therapist were no help. Sometimes people like that are extremely arrogant and look down on people like us, but they have no idea what it's like to be this way. They haven't experienced the trauma or enough stress to reach that breaking point and start researching methods like we have. They don't understand the fear of being discovered and hospitalized against our will. Besides, even if they went there, those kinds of people could afford the bills afterwards easily. Must be nice to have those kinds of resources.

If you do have good friends who you trust, then maybe talking to them more will help, I don't know. I wish they were more understanding of your situation the way we are here. It sucks not being able to trust people on the outside, because of how judgemental some of them can be. I'm sorry you're going through a hard time and I wish you the best.