Venting The decision has been made x

[Winter_Flower]

I have been having suicidal thoughts and ideation for many years now, with one previous attempt around 2 years ago. I have recently noticed my mental health getting worse and I am seeing my gp monthly for this. But the time has come and I've finally decided it will happen. I'm not sure how yet, but I can no longer bare the pain inside anymore. I had such a great weekend at a concert and was on such a high afterwards, but today I've sunk to the lowest of lows again triggered by something. I've just been out to walk my dog, its 12.41am here. I have been drinking and took a can out with me and just sat on a bench crying, thinking about what I haven't managed to achieve in life, what I've failed at and things I have been through. The thing is I turn 40 today and have been dreading it. I tend to think about my acheivements or lack of during this time and some other things I'd rather not disscuss.

I was given a great birthday present today from someone i dearly love as I won't see them on my birthday (when I wake up on 3rd), it is a fantastic present, I was overcome with joy and excited. A festival ticket, with Foo Fighters headlining. Music is huge for me, an escapism. But upon sharing that news with someone else, my father, the excitement was dashed/crushed. The comments, just crushed me and I feel I can never be the person they want me to be. It's a stupid thing, but I hate the thought of being 40, alone, my 15 year relationship broke down 5 years ago and I'm unable to work due to my mental health at the moment. I also fear I will not be able to work in the NHS again due to my mental health, my dream area of work.

Anyway, I thought I'd write a post and just get it out of my head. The pain is huge right now. Maybe it's the alcohol talking, but I doubt it as I felt like this before I had a couple of drinks. Sorry to bother you guys with my woe's. I'm now going to use my usual coping mechanisms before I go to bed to sleep off the alcohol x

Many thanks for taking the time to read this x

 

[LifeIsACurse]

Screw your father. Don't think about what he said and just go to the festival, atleast enjoy something for the very last time if you do end up catching the bus, I hope you do find your peace one way or another.

 

[SinisterKid]

Happy Birthday. Try to be kind to yourself today.

Please, just dump toxic people like that out of your life for good. About 15 yrs ago I got rid of my parents, out of my life for good. It was the best thing I ever did. And despite the name, I am not some young gun spouting off. Go and enjoy the Foo Fighters, its a goal, something to aim for, what happens after that, who knows. But its a present that resonates with you, so you enjoy it, you earned that right.

 

[oopswronglife]

Your dad is just jealous he isn't as cool as Dave. Enjoy the show.

 

[Lara Francis]

Hi.
I am sorry to hear your pain.
I think we are way to hard on ourselves at different stages of life esp big birthdays.I set goals and are driven by a date to complete them then become disappointed at the lack of their achievement.
I hated my 40th but you know what ,its just other day.what matters is what you do with the day moving forward.
Enjoy the foo fighters,its great that you have a means of escape that brings you happiness.
Some parents are like a different breed and i wouldnt allow your father dampen your spirts.
You need to take some control,you are the person you are,change things about yourself that you think are neccesary if anything but dont allow yourself to be put down because of his expectations.

My mum can say some really horrible things and if i took any notice , she would no longer be in my life.The very sad thing is that she does not realise how she hurts me which is why its great that she lives 80 miles away!
I hope your birthday brings you some joy ,its my birthday on sat but i am just going to let it pass because for me ,it really is nothing special.
X

 

[LonelyLight]

Happy birthday!! I also enjoy festivals so lucky you!!! Hugs to you x

 

[Ruffian]

40 is the absolute worst birthday. That's when you may still have a chance to turn your life around, but you know it will take a Herculean effort unless you convince a doctor you have AHDH and get a prescription for Adderal. And put yourself through some sort of psychedelic level soul searching. It was harder than 50 in some ways because then at least you have accepted your fate and start going about the business of either living or dying.

I have to 3rd the motion to get the hell away from your father. When I first got diagnosed with bipolar in my early 20s, my parents treated me like it was something I did that was morally reprehensible. And I'm a classic bipolar, not like many people today who get the diagnosis in order to make doctors and pharmaceutical companies rich. They acted like I had taken drugs to get that way, even though I was totally clean. I didn't talk to them for a year and half. No phone calls, wrote "Return to Sender" on their cards and letters. It was hard, but I got used to it. When I decided to speak to them again, there was a lot more balance in the relationship. People need to know that you will absolutely up and leave if they abuse you. It's very hard to break that pattern because it's like a infinite loop of abuse and victimhood that was put into place when you were a child most likely. But you can do it. Empty threats only give him more power if you don't follow through. Parents are just like children.

Yeah, go enjoy the Foo Fighters, that was an absolutely awesome present. I'd have even more trouble ctb it if I had a friend like that.

 

[Temporarilyabsurd]

My Dad got rid of my guitar when I was about 11yo ... well , it was his but he was teaching me with it . My Dad was a semi pro back in the day and he lived for music.
Why would he do such a casually sadistic thing ?
Why would he punish me by taking away the thing he valued the most ?
He's dead ... I never asked because he lacked the emotional lucidity to even comprehend the situation .

Same with my blood brother ... I;m back in our home town for a few weeks ... call him ?
No fucking way . I'm 55 yo and am finally realizing I don't deserve these pricks self hatred leaking out at me .

I changed careers at 40 . ( I'm being 'that guy' ffs ) .
Best thing I did even though it didn't work out ... :/

With your personal experiences I can imagine other opportunities for you that you
may not be allowing yourself see ... ? Outside NHS (?)

Go to the concert , ( the very idea makes my blood run cold , but I'm not you ! )

 

[Letmego. Please]

Happy Getting Older Day

When i got to 40 i too was 5yrs out of a 15yr relationship wondering what the point was, i also have parents that can be (to put it politely) complete cocks.
But you my friend have way more going for you, you obviously have people that care for you with the brilliant pressie you got, the NHS has to be seen to be positive about supporting staff with MH problems so that's not a done deal over with thing.

Hindsight serves only to either to inform the present of the wisdom it has given you, or trap you in a cycle of what if's? what only's?

Please be kind to yourself today, don't think of what you have missed, remember what has been good. (((Hugs)))

 

[Lady black]

Happy Birthday. Hope your next days will get better

 

[Soul]

"Without music, life would be a mistake."

Nietszche said that, and you can pass it along to your father on my behalf as you sail off to your happy-birthday festival. What a great friend! Just as you deserve.

Happy birthday! x

 

[dreamsofdestruction]

It's a stupid thing, but I hate the thought of being 40, alone

Same, the decimal system really fucked us over.

But happy birthday still. :\

 

[Faraway1990]

Happy birthday! I'm not 40 but I've had a lot of life experiences and going through a similar thing. If you've worked in NHS and you have mental health issues life isn't over if you enjoy that work. Take a month or so then find a job that suits you and what you want advertise your experience and etc and just be honest about taking a mental health break most employers in that field will be understanding in my experience. I'm a care assistant atm I enjoy my job I'm looking at where I want to aim to go next.
And go to the concert family can be a bi** sometimes. I'm nearly 30 but compared to my older siblings im looked down on. Don't have a penny to my name and just recently really decided the career path I want. I don't care but big family like to compare and comment! Anyway have a good time at the concert.