krxbs
a bleeding heart </3
- Jan 24, 2023
- 71
i think i'm giving myself until march to make something happen. i've driven away some of my toxic friends, which is nice, but i've also lost my support group and the willingness to find another. the same thing will happen anyway.
this mental illness is killing me too. it's so hard to manage mental health issues by myself without any family or friends to rely on. everything is piling up and falling apart and i don't have the resources, executive function or willpower to turn this shitty life into something workable. i wish i was a better person, and i wish i was less fragile. i have nobody to blame but myself; i just need to stop depending on people.
regardless, i'll be ordering the SN soon. probably gonna wash it down with some vodka or whiskey, and if i can get my hands on some decent antiemetics then i'll add those to the mix. i could've handled a hostile environment with a normal brain, or a loving environment with a broken brain, but dealing with a shitty life while my brain is trying to kill me anyway is just too much. i really wish i could've had a normal life. i hope maybe having the ability to CTB at any time will make things hurt less and give me the strength to push on. it's already a real relief knowing where i'll get everything from.
thanks for reading my disjointed, rambly rant. i feel less suicidal just having written everything down in a more controlled way than i did in my personal notes. i hope everyone is doing okay.
this mental illness is killing me too. it's so hard to manage mental health issues by myself without any family or friends to rely on. everything is piling up and falling apart and i don't have the resources, executive function or willpower to turn this shitty life into something workable. i wish i was a better person, and i wish i was less fragile. i have nobody to blame but myself; i just need to stop depending on people.
regardless, i'll be ordering the SN soon. probably gonna wash it down with some vodka or whiskey, and if i can get my hands on some decent antiemetics then i'll add those to the mix. i could've handled a hostile environment with a normal brain, or a loving environment with a broken brain, but dealing with a shitty life while my brain is trying to kill me anyway is just too much. i really wish i could've had a normal life. i hope maybe having the ability to CTB at any time will make things hurt less and give me the strength to push on. it's already a real relief knowing where i'll get everything from.
thanks for reading my disjointed, rambly rant. i feel less suicidal just having written everything down in a more controlled way than i did in my personal notes. i hope everyone is doing okay.