the cycle of abuse never ends

[everythingblack]

I've been dealing with a narcissistic partner for the better part of almost 2 years now, who has effectively ruined my life and my psyche. They have verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused me to the point where I barely go outside and no longer interact with friends. I used to be social, go out to parties/events, attend medical school, score straight A's, work out, hold a great diet, etc., but now I'm a loser dropout who can barely hold a conversation and only eats junk food.
Even though they treat me so badly I can't get away from them. I've tried, and almost successfully got out. I broke up with them in October and stayed with a friend, holding out on little to no contact for a few months. The suicidal thoughts eventually subsided, but then I succumbed and resumed contact completely around February/March. Next thing I know, I'm back in a relationship with them. My family and what's left of my friends have no idea, since I'm too ashamed to tell them since they know this individual is incredibly abusive.

I know they have/had/ and will continue to cheat on me, have little to no regard for my health, and honestly don't even see me as a human being. I was once such a confident person, and now I feel like absolute trash staying with them. They've degraded my self esteem to such a low that I've never experienced before. I come from a background of abuse but I can confidently say romantically being with a narcissist is a hell that I'd never wish even on my worst enemy. I used to feel attractive, both inside and out, but now I have no motivation to take care of myself in any way.

I just don't see myself leaving them anytime soon, especially without any sort of support system, and I want out. I used to tell myself that suicide would prove a point to them, but now I see that, as a narcissist, they literally do not give a shit if I jumped off a bridge or blew my brains out. When we got back together they promised things would be different (lovebombing), and I desperately believed them as I have many times before due to loneliness. That lasted about a month before it went back to the abuse, sleepless nights, and torture. They admitted to me that they are still abusing substances like cocaine, which contributes to their rages and incessant accusations of cheating.
Every time they blackmail me or threaten to cheat on me, I jump to action, and they get what they want. I twist, turn, and writhe under their control, and I feel spineless and utterly powerless. When things are good, I'm in denial, and convince myself they truly love me, and would never cheat on me. That's my brain's defense. I no longer have autonomy over my life. This person has completely wrecked my decisions, boundaries, health, and soul.

I don't WANT to ctb. I don't think anyone truly does, honestly, but how the fuck else is this pain and abuse bearable? You're telling me I went through childhood neglect just to be a magnet for predators who inflict even more pain? And therapy/medications are ineffective?
I'm considering sodium nitrite but that seems really hard to come by now with the new regulations. If anyone can dm me with help on that, would be much appreciated.

 

[whereismymind]

I've been dealing with a narcissistic partner for the better part of almost 2 years now, who has effectively ruined my life and my psyche. They have verbally, emotionally, and mentally abused me to the point where I barely go outside and no longer interact with friends. I used to be social, go out to parties/events, attend medical school, score straight A's, work out, hold a great diet, etc., but now I'm a loser dropout who can barely hold a conversation and only eats junk food.
Even though they treat me so badly I can't get away from them. I've tried, and almost successfully got out. I broke up with them in October and stayed with a friend, holding out on little to no contact for a few months. The suicidal thoughts eventually subsided, but then I succumbed and resumed contact completely around February/March. Next thing I know, I'm back in a relationship with them. My family and what's left of my friends have no idea, since I'm too ashamed to tell them since they know this individual is incredibly abusive.

I know they have/had/ and will continue to cheat on me, have little to no regard for my health, and honestly don't even see me as a human being. I was once such a confident person, and now I feel like absolute trash staying with them. They've degraded my self esteem to such a low that I've never experienced before. I come from a background of abuse but I can confidently say romantically being with a narcissist is a hell that I'd never wish even on my worst enemy. I used to feel attractive, both inside and out, but now I have no motivation to take care of myself in any way.

I just don't see myself leaving them anytime soon, especially without any sort of support system, and I want out. I used to tell myself that suicide would prove a point to them, but now I see that, as a narcissist, they literally do not give a shit if I jumped off a bridge or blew my brains out. When we got back together they promised things would be different (lovebombing), and I desperately believed them as I have many times before due to loneliness. That lasted about a month before it went back to the abuse, sleepless nights, and torture. They admitted to me that they are still abusing substances like cocaine, which contributes to their rages and incessant accusations of cheating.
Every time they blackmail me or threaten to cheat on me, I jump to action, and they get what they want. I twist, turn, and writhe under their control, and I feel spineless and utterly powerless. When things are good, I'm in denial, and convince myself they truly love me, and would never cheat on me. That's my brain's defense. I no longer have autonomy over my life. This person has completely wrecked my decisions, boundaries, health, and soul.

I don't WANT to ctb. I don't think anyone truly does, honestly, but how the fuck else is this pain and abuse bearable? You're telling me I went through childhood neglect just to be a magnet for predators who inflict even more pain? And therapy/medications are ineffective?
I'm considering sodium nitrite but that seems really hard to come by now with the new regulations. If anyone can dm me with help on that, would be much appreciated.

I very much understand your situation and your feelings. They truly don't care about you at all, they enjoy your suffering and your dependency. You must break the cycle, go no contact, block them everywhere, say you are done with them, don't give them the power over you anymore. You will feel horrible for a while, utterly lonely and desperate for their attention. Give it a few weeks, months, and you'll see you will feel better, you will be free. Free to do anything you want. So you're gonna be lonely now, so what. Doesn't mean you will be lonely forever. First you must start taking care of yourself again, do something nice for you, get some new clothes, try some new hobbies, go alone for a walk and enjoy your own company. It will be hard, you will think about them all the time, but it will subside and you will start loving yourself again. You are the most important person in your life, you don't need anyone else to feel good about yourself. Give it a year or two and you will be much happier. You can also try therapy and some medicine for the start, sometimes it can help a great deal, you can always give it up if it won't work. They know they are a piece of s**t, they will live with themselves for the rest of their life knowing that and nobody can change that. Don't let them pull you down with them. Take care of yourself, let them wallow in their hatred alone. You deserve to be happy.

 

[Rational man]

Suggest you.contact an abuse helpline to.start ,,in private. You ne ed a plan,ro.escape because narcissists never.change and YOU will.suffer for.as.long.as.YOU allow it

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so unbearable and horrible what you are going through. Some people are just so cruel and I'm sorry that you have to endure this. I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[speck]

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. I have been in a similar situation with a narc for 10 years. He would leave, come back, leave, come back- I would try to leave and could not bear it.
It is still early for you to get out, you can still recover some of your self worth and maybe heal. You can get back some of the things you lost. The longer you stay, the harder it will be to leave and even harder to figure out how to put it all back together. You will be pulled and folded like taffy over and over again, until you no longer have any idea of what is real. You will do things to mend the relationship that you didn't think you would. At a certain point, nothing you have to give will be enough- but you will still be useful and they will keep you around. Maybe they will start making big promises. The cycles will become erratic and constant- your life will lose what stability it still has.
You have nothing to be ashamed of: take your things and go back to your friends, go to your parents. If you can't go there, get a second pt job, start hiding money- then when you have enough. GO. Go as far as you can. Change your number. Delete or lock your socials.

It is not too late, you can see exactly what you are and you see clearly how different it is from the person you were before. Take that clarity and run with it.