Venting The Cycle continues...

[lunarpixels]

Tonight, I plan on guzzling vodka as much as possible, mixing a decent amount of painkillers and getting buzzed off of my allergy meds and weed.... My attitude towards death is very positive and if I go, I have part of a sn written....

So, if I just go so apesh*t and party, and just keel over... I don't mind.

At least my mom knows I am abused emotionally by my husband. I know that my only friend knows I'm suffering hardcore. My psych team doesn't know, though.

I keep falling into abusive relationships. This is my 4th one in a row.

If I'm destined to get abused throughout the entirety of my life (I have BPD and am possibly a DID system due to it), why the f*ck should I continue living? To keep being tortured by society and their broken hearts? No.

I want freedom.
FREEDOM --

Which reminds me, if we have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in America, why don't we have the right to the cessation of life? If pro-choice is terminating lives of the unborn... why, with the consent of a being as a legal adult, can we not do the same at that age? We didn't ask to be conceived or born into this world. Hell, my mom admitted I was unplanned, and I would've terminated myself to correct that wrong.

Excuse this rambling, but, like I said, drinking, high, and uh... really fcking sad and lonely...

 

[Sulyya]

I'm so sorry about what's happening to you, and what life has brought upon you.

Why don't you want to tell your psychiatrist? I've never really had one so not sure about when people decide not to.

 

[lunarpixels]

I'm so sorry about what's happening to you, and what life has brought upon you.

Why don't you want to tell your psychiatrist? I've never really had one so not sure about when people decide not to.

I'm thinking about ctb because of it, and if they get involved, an intern's future license is at risk. So, I would rather just go quietly. If I tell them, I also have a chance of being evaluated for suicide risk, so I want to appear as normal as possible to catch everyone off guard.

 

[Sulyya]

I'm thinking about ctb because of it, and if they get involved, an intern's future license is at risk. So, I would rather just go quietly. If I tell them, I also have a chance of being evaluated for suicide risk, so I want to appear as normal as possible to catch everyone off guard.

Why do you want to catch people off guard?

 

[lunarpixels]

Why do you want to catch people off guard?

Honestly, it might just be to live a normal life and not invoke pity? I'm not entirely sure. I've always been the "good one" so I've been programmed to keep up an appearance until the end, I guess.

(does that make sense? It's getting blurry)

 

[Sulyya]

Honestly, it might just be to live a normal life and not invoke pity? I'm not entirely sure. I've always been the "good one" so I've been programmed to keep up an appearance until the end, I guess.

(does that make sense? It's getting blurry)

I understand what you mean - I'm 'the good one' in the family I guess, and don't want to trouble anyone, so that is familiar. The feeling of not wanting to trouble anyone is probably the strongest emotion I have, whatever it is, so stronger than ctb urges.

I don't know your pain of abuse though. That is awful. You can't escape? I know you said it has been a few....

 

[lunarpixels]

I understand what you mean - I'm 'the good one' in the family I guess, and don't want to trouble anyone, so that is familiar. The feeling of not wanting to trouble anyone is probably the strongest emotion I have, whatever it is, so stronger than ctb urges.

I don't know your pain of abuse though. That is awful. You can't escape? I know you said it has been a few....

I've been emotionally tormented since I was 5. It started as bullying in regards to my looks, and it elevated into full-scale harassment, telling me I need to rid the world of me, telling me I'm not worth the emotions or troubles... By 12, I had scars from an abusive father and brother... And the pattern keeps following me romantically.

I never asked to be born. I want it all to stop.

 

[Sulyya]

I've been emotionally tormented since I was 5. It started as bullying in regards to my looks, and it elevated into full-scale harassment, telling me I need to rid the world of me, telling me I'm not worth the emotions or troubles... By 12, I had scars from an abusive father and brother... And the pattern keeps following me romantically.

I never asked to be born. I want it all to stop.

I'm so sorry to hear that all happened. I think you're a good soul. I wish you could get away and fine a good place to manage everything without cruel people.

 

[lunarpixels]

I'm so sorry to hear that all happened. I think you're a good soul. I wish you could get away and fine a good place to manage everything without cruel people.

The only way is suicide. Every wolf craves a sheep, and somehow I fit that criteria of a sheep.

 

[Sulyya]

The only way is suicide. Every wolf craves a sheep, and somehow I fit that criteria of a sheep.

I hope you find some kind of peace no matter what.
Can chat if you feel it could help.

 

[Sparr0w]

i wish you luck and peace
it's been said before, but i'd still like to say that it isn't your fault that abusive fucks seek out vulnerable people. nor is it your fault for falling for the persona they put up. i hope they die in a ditch :)

 

[FuneralCry]

This world certainly is hell to me, and it really is beyond horrific how humans create so much harm, so of course it's very much understandable just wishing to finally be gone. There really is no peace from suffering in this world and that is the reality, so therefore it certainly is so wrong how there is a lack of acceptance towards our right to die.

 

[CandyK__]

The only way is suicide. Every wolf craves a sheep, and somehow I fit that criteria of a sheep.

There are a lot of sheep in this world, someday you might find one. I don't know much about your current situation, but it sounds like What you need is isolation from everyone. A long rest.

People' ve hurt you, and you won't find what you look unless you know that you look for precisely. If you go for someone who just happens to approach you, odds of the being the "wolf" are very high. But when you know what you want you will reject wolfs, and find someone who complements who you are. Loneliness is not a bad as it seems from the outside, in it you can figure out what you want from life.