Venting The curse of hikikomori

[yumenikkihikki]

The past year my life has gradually become worse and worse, and worse, and worse, and even worse. I've dropped all of my friends due to feeling exhausted of pretending to be normal in front of them. I have lost my pet cat, the only creature I have felt happy with. I have never felt comfortable in front of a human, not even family. All my life this damn fear and anxiety, feeling of uneasiness busting my balls over and over, every single day. Shutting myself off in my own made prison, rotting in my room, never going outside. My inability to function in society is laughable. The more I stay still, the worse it gets. My family never had money, ever since I shut myself off and became a real hikikomori it only got worse. Losing basic utilities, electricity, hot water, heating. Not being able to take care of basic needs such as hygiene or food, sometimes going days without eating. It's honestly funny, I am on the verge of being homeless, and guess what I do all day? Rot inside my room and jerk off to anime girls. I despise myself with all of my heart. It all could change so easily - one cold bath and a phone call - such a simple action would land me a job and change my life forever. And yet, I can't muster courage to do it. It's that easy, that simple. I still have a chance and yet I'm frozen. Escaping to the internet and ignoring my reality, yet whenever I shut my phone off - thoughts of death start playing on loop. I do not wish to die. I want to save people, become the kind of person that gives others hope. That's the pathetic dream that still lingers in my heart. Save others? It's a joke. I can't even save myself, afraid to do the mundane. My slothful behavior causing me to suffer.

 

[Sleeper System]

You're not alone. The only difference for me is I was given the opportunity to lift myself up a little and I took it. Not because I wanted to live but because if I HAD to live then at least I should try to make it as comfortable as possible. Thoughts of ctb plague me every day and I dont think it will ever go away. Until I have some movie level realization on my deathbed that I want more time on this earth. Pfff.

 

[progeria]

You seem to have described my life) You are not alone here

 

[Archness]

Same. So very lost 1+ year ago.... Became NEET. Either live long enough to die alone or ctb before that...

Or "Just Fix your life bro" and get a job... exact same lifestyle, just with a job now. That's the furthest I can go, or perhaps I can just get a life I'm happy with, or just be happy rotting where I am and fucking fade out. Both of the two are essentially impossible.

It all could change so easily

...and it doesen't, it won't. The barest of minimums and we can't do it. Are we even worthy of being alive at that point? I think many NEETs, Hikkikomori, etc, ctb with a reason like this.

 

[spinningship]

Same. So very lost 1+ year ago.... Became NEET. Either live long enough to die alone or ctb before that...

Or "Just Fix your life bro" and get a job... exact same lifestyle, just with a job now. That's the furthest I can go, or perhaps I can just get a life I'm happy with, or just be happy rotting where I am and fucking fade out. Both of the two are essentially impossible.


...and it doesen't, it won't. The barest of minimums and we can't do it. Are we even worthy of being alive at that point? I think many NEETs, Hikkikomori, etc, ctb with a reason like this.

I think a job would make you feel better about yourself not that i'm saying it's easy to "JUST" get a job. But honestly I think you deserve to be alive. So dumb society basically tells us we aren't worth keeping alive unless we can survive mental torture 8 hours a day. But I know what it's like to wake up feeling completely fucking useless and alone. You really need people irl I think to be happy and sometimes people just aren't cut out to be with others.

 

[CantWait2D1E]

I'm NEET too…

Nothing makes any sense anymore. I don't feel like I have anything to work for.

 

[Venus13]

There's definitely a level of paralysis that comes from these circumstances. Something inside made you hide and now the external pressures only get worse. Your basic needs are fading out. It's no surprise to me to find someone frozen in that situation. You said the only living being you felt comfortable with was your dear cat, and you lost them so isolation is well known to you and it's harsh. I think it's one of the harshest experiences a human can go through. I remember my days of isolation and my baby cat was all I had.

The weight of life sounds so heavy right now. I feel for you, I find your suffering reasonable not laughable. The brain will seek pleasure in such harsh conditions, that's not something to feel self-hatred about. Recognizing it and reintroducing whatever other elements of welcoming activities possible for the brain might help. Sunlight or caffeine even, or subtle movement. No reason to feel shame that the brain is desperately trying to experience healthy chemical reactions.

That's a beautiful thing to think, about making it out and being there to show and counsel others. I think a cold shower and interviews are difficult but possible. Something made you shut away originally. Something larger than a cold shower might be freezing you up. I'm a shut in that experiences PTSD freeze mode often so I know the body not cooperating with the desire is not a simple block. It's complex and I hope you get relief soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

It sounds really awful being trapped in that situation, it certainly can be so horrible when life just gets worse, the way that I see it, having the ability to exist in this world really is something so terrible.

 

[GoForDeath]

You articulated it really well, I can't imagine what it's like living life like that, however I do hope that eventually you muster up the courage to get that job.. I feel like being homeless is worse.

 

[Sulyya]

I was close to this a few times in my life, and can feel it pulling me back in very occasionally. I wish I had a good sense of what it was that helped but I also know that advice itself doesn't help because as you say, we all know while it's happening to us that it can change in a day. Something needs to strike you at a certain time I guess. And a sudden urge to say 'fuck this' to yourself and go take the shower and print up the resume or whatever.