Discussion The culture of blaming the victims.

[DoNotLet2]

Discussion/Venting.
Disclaimer. So it's just my opinion, but I will say it anyway.
People have it worse but they deal with it, so you can deal it with too.
And then I scroll down the internet and I see so many stories about people who are severely disabled but they achieve more you could possibly imagine. And they scream "you can do it too". But when you peruse you notice they had had so much support before they achieved those things. What about people who have no support?
You hardly ever hear about people who had it extremely hard and failed.
And besides there is something called Gaussian curve. Most of the people are normal. They are not great but not bad. The extraordinary people that are amazing in life are just a minor percent. And so are people who are awful at life. Chances are that you're just normal and fine.

So what do I mean? Yes, motivational stories are great! But they are no proof that the people who can't manage are worse or lazy. And we have a bad culture of blaming the troubled individuals when they complain. It is bad, we can't confide in...
And that's my opinion what do you think?

 

[Soulless_Angel]

I agree in a way, those who scream will I did it so can you, whilst I understand the sentiments, personal circumstances differ, so yes they may have done it, but their path to get to that point would be totally different to mine.
Like you say so many people have a massive support network, good for them, if you want me to do it too then give me to some support!

I feel shit for not snapping out of this as others have done, they say they have but they don't tell me how, or fail to mention to backing behind them, it bugs me!

 

[DoNotLet2]

I feel shit for not snapping out of this as others have done, they say they have but they don't tell me how, or fail to mention to backing behind them, it bugs me!

Yes, I forgot to mention it while I was writing it.
The stories tend to be like "I have this and this and this condition, I achieved this and this". But what did the person exactly do? How did they deal with the hurdles? What kept them motivated? How did they know what they wanted to achieve? How much time did it take? Did they have a tutor, who taught them it all?

 

[BPD Barbie]

I think anyone who gets famous for overcoming something just had a lot of luck doing so. There are millions of disabled people for example, a tiny tiny percentage actually become famous for overcoming obstacles. People who tried and failed won't sell newspapers or stories sadly. Nobody cares if you tried, but they care when you succeed. People flock from everywhere then.

 

[seafarer]

Sure some people overcome difficulties to achieve great thing and some don't but this whole if I can do it you can do thing is just annoying to me. It's like me when people say to me I have anxiety but not as bad as you I always reply it isn't for me or anyone to say who's worse off ,everybody reacts different to different situations so one person illness or mental pain even if medically cannot be used to say well look at them! You should be doing better than they are. It just means they had a way or something that helped them or they coped better. That's what people should think more about is the coping mechanism of people and that struggle not what the actual problems people have and deal but how as an individual that single is affected and that goes for everyone,nobody is the same even with Sam diagnosis they will react/ cope.or struggle or flourish in totally different ways. So I believe nobody should try to compare themselves to otherels and base their failure on the success of a totally unique person. Hope that makes sense. We are all different and that makes thi arguement irrel in my book.

 

[Pryras]

"People have it worse but they deal with it, so you can deal it with too."

IMO trivializes the feelings of those who are suffering. When people say that "it's not that bad, and hey, could be worse!" it's like invalidating their emotional pain. I'm positive most people know it could be worse. That people in worse circumstances have definitely achieved great things but not everyone has the mental strength and resources to do the same.

Some overcome huge physical and financial hurdles and succeed well in life because of their inert drives and motivation. Some of us could have everything we need and still suffer. I have dealt with victim shaming/blaming first hand and it feels so degrading, borderline embarrassing having to prove how something that's perceived so trivial to someone else the gravity it has on you.

 

[Suicide_vampire]

To overcome any adversity requires support, unfortunately the mentally ill are not important enough to receive that support. For every one who succeeds there are thousands being failed.

 

[oopswronglife]

It doesn't matter how right you are in life...it won't change anything and doesn't make you feel any better. You can explain fallacies and facts. You can prove things. You can be polite and empathetic and caring. It will not move the needle. Most people...not all...but most...live for themselves entirely. Some unfortunate kids learn this early, some people later in life, most live in denial while behaving like that themselves but demanding others be fair and reasonable. They don't care about anyone else aside from how those people make them feel. Victim blaming is everywhere...IT is normal. It's how people justify their own lives and fears. It's well studied and well understood...and doesn't change. Even people who are educated and intimately aware of how and why it happens...mental health workers...do it. I've met very few people in life who are truly empathetic and open for the most part. Nobody is a saint without failure or defect...but most live entirely in their own ego. The fact they continue to do this even when they KNOW it's a thing is what made me give up entirely on people. A family member who is a therapist did this worse than any of them ironically.

I used to explain and try and convince. I thought people could be fair and reasonable if I was as well. I was calm and rational and defended myself and my suffering. No change. I even took to documenting things for a while to prove it...since I was getting screwed over so much by people and systems. That documentation was ignored and even worse used as "evidence" of some vague mental issue...obsessesive, paranoid, whatever. A doctor once asked me to compile some information about a treatment I was asking about for him to read. When I brought it in in a simple file he accused me of having some mental health issue hypochondria sort of thing, and that I'd bother making an organised file of medical info was proof. When I said flabbergasted..."You asked me to do this." he realized he had in fact done so but pride prevented him from admitting he was wrong so I got lectured and labeled once again. I have countless examples like that. You can literally show someone their own words, or a video of them saying something, and they will deny it or try and blame you somehow. You either have power to live your life or you do not. When you do not you are dependent on the irrational and selfish behavior of others. I am too tired to fight shitty people anymore. If someone cannot be decent, reasonable, honest....and I can avoid them...I just do. But it's most people so easier said than done.

 

[DoNotLet2]

I just wanted to say that it doesn't necessarily mean that something is wrong you as a person because you can't overcome your problems. You are probably just perfectly normal.

 

[GoodPersonEffed]

There's a writer with cerebral palsy who calls such stories as the OP mentions "inspiration porn."

I think of Stephen Hawking, he had the socioeconomic background and support to achieve all that he did. I read his ex-wife's memoir, and he was portrayed as quite a selfish ass. His response to the memoir was that it was accurate. His wife's life revolved around his wants as well as his needs, and she was overwhelmed and frequently negated.

I learned in linguistic studies that our brains tend to work in binary opposition -- we view things as opposites, and it causes a lot of hatred, blame, and inaccurate comparisons. It keeps us safe by recognizing when something or someone is an "other," but it also causes a lot of harm and can be easily manipulated, as in the case of inspiration porn. It's very persuasive yet utterly illogical. Example: "man" and "wo-man," the latter is defined by being other than the former, and therefore less valuable or desirable. Example: "sane" and "in-sane." Example: "dis-abled" -- if one lacks ability and yet can achieve, what the hell is wrong with you then? (Edit: And a victim is automatically less than, and therefore easier to make "wrong," compared to a non-victim, who is surely blameless [one of the weird times the "non" qualifier gives rather than takes value].)

We also have a binary default of either/or thinking, again limiting things to only two basic opposites, rather than, as the OP suggests, looking at all of the information and options. Our brains tend to freak out over too many options and possibilities.

 

[Iloveyouall]

There's a writer with cerebral palsy who calls such stories as the OP mentions "inspiration porn."

I think of Stephen Hawking, he had the socioeconomic background and support to achieve all that he did. I read his ex-wife's memoir, and he was portrayed as quite a selfish ass. His response to the memoir was that it was accurate. His wife's life revolved around his wants as well as his needs, and she was overwhelmed and frequently negated.

I learned in linguistic studies that our brains tend to work in binary opposition -- we view things as opposites, and it causes a lot of hatred, blame, and inaccurate comparisons. It keeps us safe by recognizing when something or someone is an "other," but it also causes a lot of harm and can be easily manipulated, as in the case of inspiration porn. It's very persuasive yet utterly illogical. Example: "man" and "wo-man," the latter is defined by being other than the former, and therefore less valuable or desirable. Example: "sane" and "in-sane." Example: "dis-abled" -- if one lacks ability and yet can achieve, what the hell is wrong with you then? (Edit: And a victim is automatically less than, and therefore easier to make "wrong," compared to a non-victim, who is surely blameless [one of the weird times the "non" qualifier gives rather than takes value].)

We also have a binary default of either/or thinking, again limiting things to only two basic opposites, rather than, as the OP suggests, looking at all of the information and options. Our brains tend to freak out over too many options and possibilities.

Gonna quote @NonsenseTrash here: It's not better or worse, it's just different.