The constant Jenga rebuilding is the worst

[SanJunipero1]

It doesn't matter how well I'm doing, how much progress I've made, I always end up crashing every few months. The crash itself isn't the worst for me, ring in the hole as painful as it is, I'm just used to now and to be honest mostly sleep my way through real crisis vibes. It's the climbing out of the hole that kills me. I can never just jump back in to where I was, I have to take baby steps and start all over from scratch and be ok with my achievements going from "got a piece of my writing performed" to "showered for the first time in 10 days." It's like my life is a giant game of Jenga. Every time I get that little bit higher, it's all the more devastating to start all over again.
And it's near impossible to find the motivation to when he's never gonna be there when I get back up and life without him will always only be bearable for a few months at a time.
I wish I didn't have such a strong survival instinct. I wish I could just die in my sleep. I wish someone would just put me out of my misery coz I know I'll always get back up eventually only to fall again a d again and again.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

What if this is "normal"? A famous movie quote, "What if this is as good as it gets?" What if the people who get up every day all happy happy are the sick ones? Would you feel more accepted, more part of real life, if most (95%) people wanted to die to escape their misery? All those happy happy people were forced into psych wards because they are "sick" or outside the norm, given drugs to make them feel depressed, anxious, all of that.

If this was normal, would people not want to CTB? They would fit into society. If people liked you, if your company and companionship were sought after because you were the most miserable person on your block, would that change how you feel about CTB?

Just some random thoughts which your post started in my brain...
Imagine this... you are lying on the couch in the dark, in the same clothes you have been wearing for three days, eyes swollen and red from crying, and the doorbell rings. You drag yourself to the door and there are three people who say, "damn, bro. This laughing is gonna kill us so we came over hoping you could help us feel lousy. Wanna go get some lunch?" Would that make you feel more happy? Less CTB-ish?

Is it loneliness that perpetuates the desire to die? I often check my phone, hoping somebody has called or texted, hell, even a sales call! I spend more and more time here on SS because it helps me feel better, this is my social hangout.

 

[SanJunipero1]

No not for me. I'm glad for places like this and my young widow forum where I can openly talk about my pain and talk to people who feel the same way but I wouldn't wish wanting to die on anyone.

I am very well liked, loved even.
Even for all of the friends and family members that I've lost in the last year since being vocal about my grief and suicidal ideation, I still have a small but very loyal group of friends who love me dearly.

I want to die because my soulmate is dead, and the pain of living without him is too much, that's it.

 

[NeverGoodEnuff]

Young widows forum? I did not know there is such a thing. Twelve years since my husband died. He was a Good Man. I still have little conversations with him, not so often now as those first few years. I was afraid I was holding him back from wherever he was going. If that is possible, just in case.

How good it is that you have close friends!

 

[SanJunipero1]

Young widows forum? I did not know there is such a thing. Twelve years since my husband died. He was a Good Man. I still have little conversations with him, not so often now as those first few years. I was afraid I was holding him back from wherever he was going. If that is possible, just in case.

How good it is that you have close friends!

I'm so sorry for your loss. It is the most unimaginable pain to lose true love to death. I talk to and message my love all the time still. I wear his clothes every day to feel closer to him.
The young widow forum is called Young Hot Widow Club (there are all ages from 20s to 50s mostly, with a fair few in their 60s too). I find it a great place to vent with people who understand, check it out.
It is wonderful to have close friends but none of it means anything to me without him. Not for very long anyway.