The conflicting pressures of the pros and cons of your life

[Wayfaerer]

The circumstances that have lead you to the prospect of suicide are so bad that you are willing to kill yourself over, yet the pros prevent you from fully letting go? All I want is an open and shut case either way, yet I am being crushed in between two opposing forces. Great pressure to cease, yet great pressure to remain. Anyone else here like this? Hope has become my worst enemy.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

The oxymoron of existence/consciousness

 

[Final Escape]

Yea the flip flop between wanting to live but not sure how u can at least with a decent amount of freedom for a good of quality life. Existing isn't going to cut it.

 

[Wayfaerer]

Yea the flip flop between wanting to live but not sure how u can at least with a decent amount of freedom to a good of quality life. Existing isn't going to cut it.

This is why I think suicide is really the only way out for me. I am so sick and tired of just "existing," it'd be better to die. Just existing is the best that I can hope for at this point.

 

[Fragile]

yes i can relate.

i want to experience so much and enjoy so many things in life, also find some answers even if they are not what i want to know.
but i was born with a terribly ill and deformed body, i just can't keep living like this and there is nothing that will save me.

the pros and cons are simple, if i decide to live and to some degree try to enjoy what i like, then i'll have to endure having to live inside this body that i hate so much, the days of pain do not outweigh the few moments of happiness, and since my health is declining then i see no reason to keep suffering for so little payoff.

and if i decide to die, then i will never have to hate myself again, all the pain will be gone forever and i wont have to see myself falling even deeper into despair and illness. but the things that i loved about this life will also die with me, the beauty that i liked to admire so much will cease to exist because i wont be there to enjoy it.

that last part about hope becoming your worst enemy really resonates with me, i feel exactly the same way.
i know how bad my situation is, but there is that little light, that very small hope of something better that i still cling to, this is a delusion at this point, and yet it's keeping me alive through the pain. but that light is waning, and my inevitable death will come one way or the other.

 

[ThingWithFeathers]

It's indeed a hard choice to make, like living on the edge all the time. Your post kinda reminds me of this movie.

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

It's indeed a hard choice to make, like living on the edge all the time. Your post kinda reminds me of this movie.

View attachment 21436

That would be true hell, unless there was the smallest chance of one being able to find the best route to escape or let everyone know, before it ended, for good.

 

[Reyki6667]

There was never any pros in my life......
so i don't have any conflict and death seems more and more seductive with time.

 

[Mizzmini45]

What pros?! And anything good just doesn't seem worth it

 

[NitriteAnatomy]

The only possible pro I'd have, is if I actually found someone. One that knew my issues and could accept them, as I'd accept theirs. Even if we had to ctb in each others arms, it'd be better than what my pitiful life has consisted of. Alas, that's a fucking pipedream, so downing the mixture I've at hand, alone, will be my final call.

 

[Malletboy]

I made a post about this a couple days ago although I didn't say this quite so elegantly as you did haha. But my life isn't completely awful- there are tons of pros to living: my family/friends, my music, so much untapped potential, etc. But I also can't live with this crippling depression anymore and I'm tired of fighting it.

 

[Wayfaerer]

There was never any pros in my life......
so i don't have any conflict and death seems more and more seductive with time.

That is a gift, in its own way.

 

[KiraLittleOwl]

A couple of people love me, I don't starve (well, unless I can't get up from the bed and go out).
Cats.
That is all left for me... I don't really feel that I am getting anywhere. I was depressed my whole life and seen only glimpse of happiness after some time transitioning... Now I feel like before, just bland existence with no reason and no hope, days empty and nothing makes sense.
A couple of days ago I stopped being actively suicidal and cry less for some reason. Maybe I am accepting my fate slowly.
I still don't want to live.

 

[Moonicide]

Pros:
- I'm loved and wanted to some extent
- My pet
- Delicious food

Cons:
- Inability to support self : Life is not sustainable when you live off of $500 a month on disability + food stamps
- Get older and watch my mental illness progress even further
- Consistently deteriorating
- Continuing to take multiple medications a day
- Continue to live in a abusive and toxic environment
- Continue to live like a zombie : Never leaving my room, only form of connection is the internet
- Continue being unable to live a productive life nor function in society
- Deal with the inevitable heartbreak and having people leave you

 

[HannahB]

Ahh anxiety and depression. Anxiety is the fear of dying and depression is not wanting to live. Having both is called hell.
The quickest way to settle this debate is to take them both to their inevitable conclusions and see which side YOU want to chose. See we are not our bodies but an emergent property of our bodies. Same with our thoughts and feelings. We are not them for we are what is observing them, and for observation to occur there must be two objects one to compare and one to be compared.
So where do these two options lead? And which do you choose? I could tell you but that isnt for me to decide. The only way to stop being a slave to something is to see how it enslaves you and to make a choice. I cannot make that choice for you love but I can be here to support ❤

 

[BlueWidow]

Most definitely! In my case, it isn't that I'm conflicted about whether or not to die.
My conflict is when and how will I leave things after I'm gone.
I had everything figured out, it was all decided. Then the minute I set a date, all this weird shit started happening to me, and now I'm back to being undecided again.
Sometimes I want to wait and get a few more things done before I go, other times I think I'll just go with my date that I have set right now and the people left can deal with everything after I'm gone.
To tie up all the loose ends is going to be so much work and I am so fucking exhausted and unmotivated. On the other hand, if I don't tie up at least some of the loose ends, I'll have no control over where my belongings go and that type of thing.
Some days I care about that stuff, some days I don't.
The back-and-forth is so frustrating.